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C&F, Chapter 19
If the GA withdrawal is this bad in June, what are we all going to do for the next three months?

Disclaimer: Derek & Addison Shepherd still aren't mine, and I make no profit from them. Thanks for letting me play with them.



For the second morning in a row, Derek Shepherd woke up intertwined with his wife, as close as two people can be.

And the closeness only made him realize yet again how distant he and Addison had been before this weekend. They had been together but apart.

Now, finally, they were tearing down the wall between them.

Silently, he thanked Celia Booker and his brother Jack once again. He hoped Celia was kicking up her heels in Paris. And, Jack, well, he just hoped Jack found his own soulmate somewhere.

The night before he and Addison had renewed their vows in a private ceremony for two. He had restaked his claim on his best friend, his lover, his better half, his soul, and he knew that she owned his heart and his soul and his body. Now, the hand lying on Addie’s hip was once again wearing his wedding ring.

And it felt right. The way it should be.

***

A few hours later, Addie and Derek had partaken of the B&B's delicious (and decadent) breakfast and then taken a long hike to stretch their legs and work off some small portion of the food they were consuming that weekend.

The scenery was beautiful, and the conversation was lighthearted as the two just enjoyed each other’s company again.

It felt good to be just Derek and Addie. Together alone. Away from the demands of everyday life.

After their hike, they grabbed a quick sandwhich for a late lunch in a cute coffeeshop Addie had spotted the day before.

Then the Doctors Shepherd ended up back at the same bench in downtown Victoria that they had occupied the day before.

It was as if they had designated that spot to be where they did their serious talking. And, for as much as they had put on the table the day before, as much as things had improved during the last few days, there remained plenty more to cover.

As they sat and took a moment before diving back into their issues, Derek leaned forward and captured Addie’s mouth with his. It was a kiss of love, of reassurance, and Addie gave as good as she got.

When Derek finally pulled away, Addie said, “So where do we start today?”

“First, I just want to thank you again. I know how hard our conversation was yesterday, and you are so brave and amazing for being willing and able to share all of that with me. I know it was scary for both of us, but I think it was worth it.”

“And I’m sorry, Addie, for my role in everything, for not being there for you in New York, and for not staying and fighting for you when everything blew up.”

“Can you forgive me?” Addie asked, and Derek almost smiled in amusement when she began twirling a curl around a finger nervously. The nervous habits were so unlike the Addison that most people saw, and he knew that now was not the time for teasing. He leaned forward and lay the palm of his right hand against her face, needing the contact.

“Yes. . . . I love you, Addie, and I know I said I hadn’t forgiven you when Mark came, but the pain was so raw then. Seeing Mark brought it all back, ripped my heart wide open again.”

“I guess I needed to know that you would pick me, that you would stay and fight for me, for my forgiveness, for our life together even when I wasn’t acting like somebody who was worth fighting for. . . . You’ve shown me how much you love me, so how could I possibly not forgive you?”

Addie’s smile of relief was instantaneous and wide and joyful, and it made Derek smile back. He just didn’t have a choice, but then the smile faded as he thought about what had to come next.

“And I think turnabout’s fair play. So I think today I should talk about Meredith. I know -- like yesterday -- it’ll be hard for us, but I don’t want there to be any secrets, any walls between us.”

Addie nodded, and Derek watched as she pulled her knees up onto the bench with her, putting her arms around them. It was as if she was folding herself up into a little ball, making herself as small a target as possible so as to minimize the potential pain. If only that worked with emotional pain, Derek thought.

“First, like you said yesterday, I want you to remember that I love you. I chose you. I want us to have the most amazing future together. That’s what we’re working for.”

“And, just like yesterday, when we’re done, when we need a break, we’ll take our three hours and meet back at the B&B. I promise you that I’ll be there, and . . . I need to know that you’re going to be there, too.”

“I promise.” Addie had no hesitation about making that vow.

She had been fighting to get her husband back, her marriage back, herself back, since well before she even came to Seattle. She didn't think there was anything Derek could say, ever -- other than that he didn't want her or didn't love her anymore -- that could keep her away. Given the way things had been between them the past few days, she knew that whatever painful revelations Derek was about to make she would find a way to deal with. Because there was no way she was giving up after they had come so far.

Besides, what could he possibly say that would hurt more than that he loved Meredith? And she had already been there and done that. She chose not to buy the T-shirt, but the memory was alive and well and heartbreaking in its vividness.

“OK, then, . . . I guess I should start at the beginning. . . . When I came to Seattle, I was, well, I’m not even sure how to describe what I was. I had picked up and moved without a word to anyone, to you, to Mark, to my family, to other friends.”

“I just couldn’t deal with what I had seen and so I left. I ran away. Thankfully, I had the offer from Richard on my plate, and since the only thing I could handle doing was working, I gave notice at the hospital in New York and I came to Seattle. No one here knew me, except for Richard. I could hide and lick my wounds, or just ignore that I had any.”

“I admit it was not especially brave, and it probably wasn’t the best way to handle things, but I wasn’t really using my brain at that time. I was just working off of instinct, and my instinct was to get as far away from you and Mark as possible.”

“I met Meredith at Joe’s, the night before she started her internship. I wasn’t looking for her, or anyone. I was just looking for a drink. Or a lot of drinks – not especially smart, particularly given my family history. You would think I would know better than to drown my feelings in alcohol.”

“But I didn’t. I drank. Then I drank some more. And I flirted with the pretty blond at the bar andm\, after I drank some more, I went home with her.”

“The next morning she told me she was late for her first day of work, and I should get out. I had no idea she was an intern. I tried to be polite, but I didn’t figure I would ever see her again. Just a typical one-night stand, I guess, not that I’ve had many.”

“Then, I get to the hospital and there was Meredith. She was so embarrassed, mortified that she had unknowingly jumped into bed with one of her bosses.”

“I pursued her. Meredith was just this fresh-faced young intern, so determined to become a surgeon. Watching her and her friends, sometimes when I wasn’t careful, I would flash back and see us the way we used to be. Alex, the overconfident one like Mark. George, the nerdy nice guy like I always thought I was. And Meredith, Meredith was like a young you, so smart and eager and determined to make her own way. I think that’s a big part of what drew me to Meredith, she was like you back when we fell in love, back before we grew apart.”

“I pursued her. She kept trying to push me away because I was the attending. And, when Bailey found out about us, well, the Nazi was more than ready to kill both her and me.”

“But, for as much as I pursued Meredith, at the same time, I never let her in. She only saw the surface Derek, the charming, cocky surgeon. The flirty doctor. She never knew the real me.”

“Actually, we never let each other in. I couldn’t. If I so much as thought about you, thought about our marriage, our lives together, I started to break down. So I just didn’t. I did my best to try not to imagine you and Mark happy together in New York, like I thought you were – I know better now, of course, after our discussion yesterday but that’s what I thought then. I tried to keep the images of you and he together at bay."

"So in order to avoid that, I just kind of ignored the fact that I had any life at all before I moved to Seattle.”

“I think Meredith would have picked up on that sooner, except she had her own issues that she was dealing with. She was trying to keep under wraps that Ellis had Alzheimers.”

“We were both so busy trying to keep up the images of what we wanted everyone to think of us, that we never got past the surface with each other. When they brought Ellis into the hospital, I was as surprised as everyone else. And after that Meredith started pushing me for information about me -- where I lived, what my family was like. I gave her few details. None of the important stuff, about you or New York. Not long after that, you showed up.”

“And you hated me,” Addie interjected, breaking into Derek’s monologue for the first time. It caused him to look up at her. During his speech, he kept looking down at his hands. He knew he had to get it all out, and he wasn’t sure he could do it if he looked her in the eyes.

But her remark caused him to look up and catch her eye.

“I will admit to feeling 100 million emotions combined, Addie, when I saw you walking across the hospital lobby to confront me. Fear, worry, exhileration, grief, joy, dread, horror, fright, pain, rage, relief, anger, love, desire. You name an emotion and a shot of it probably went through me in the minute after I saw you. I couldn't even process the emotions. I just watched you walking toward me and all I could hear this little voice in my head shouting over and over, 'Addie's here.'"

"No matter what I said then, Addie, I could never truly hate you.”

“It was like in that one minute everything had come rushing back, every feeling I had suppressed for months erupted simultaneously and I didn’t know how to handle it.”

“I didn’t know what you wanted. I felt guilty, so guilty, for what I had done to Meredith. She had no idea that you existed, and I felt like I was responsible for ripping open her heart the way that mine had been ripped open.”

“And I had no idea what you wanted. Did you want me back? . . . Or were you really just in Seattle for the consult? When you said you still loved me, still wanted me, I didn’t know what to believe. Was that real? Or did you just want me as some kind of fallback because things hadn’t worked out with Mark?”

“It was never that, Derek, I swear. I love you, I wanted only you.”

“I know that now,” Derek replied quickly, once again reaching for her hand and letting his fingers feeling the wedding bands safely on her fingers. “But then I was just so full of a zillion contradictory thoughts and feelings, and I was afraid to believe that you had come to Seattle for me, to get me back, to love me. I couldn't believe that an Addison who wanted me, who loved me, was anything more than a mirage. . . . Illusory."

"So I called you names. Did my best to drive you away again, so I could tuck all those messy emotions back into a nice safe box.”

Addie used her hand to wipe the tears from her face. She took a deep breath and asked the question that had run through her mind over and over and over again during the last several months.

“I need to know, Derek. What made you decide to take the chance? Why didn’t you sign the divorce papers?”