lilybeth0529

Karma, Chapters 6-7

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 02:28:01 GMT

I haven't given up on this story, or my other works in progress. I promise.

Chapter 6

****

Addison took a deep breath to steel herself before knocking.

When the door opened, she took in the not unexpected sight of Meredith Grey. What she hadn’t expected was how Meredith looked. She was wearing pajama pants and an old college sweatshirt, and her eyes were red-rimmed and swollen from crying.

‘Not your problem, Addie,’ she reminded herself. She had her own issues to deal with, and whatever energy she had left over she would give it to those who deserve her friendship – like Preston, Miranda, and Callie – not to the intern who had sex with her husband.

“I’m here to see Stevens.” Addison’s tone was controlled. Not friendly in the least. “O’Malley said I could come by.”

Meredith nodded. She was glad for Izzie’s sake that Addison had come, though her presence brought only more negative feelings to the forefront for Meredith herself. Guilt. Sadness. Inadequacy. She looked at Addison, still perfectly coifed post-work, and then down at her sweat shirt, ripped and fraying at the bottom.

“She’s upstairs. Second door on the right. I took some food up there a little while ago, but I couldn’t convince her to eat it.”

Addison just nodded and swept past Meredith on her way to see Izzie. When she got to the door Meredith had indicated, she knocked. When she didn’t hear a response, Addison invited herself in.

Izzie was lying on her bed, eyes red and swollen like Meredith’s, in pajama pants and a tank top and an oversized sweater that Addison surmised must have been Denny’s. She was lying there and when Addison first walked through the door, it seemed to her as if Izzie was still just staring into space.

“How do you do it?”

Addison jumped when Izzie’s voice washed over her. It took her a second to catch up and respond.

“Do what?”

“Stand there and look fabulous when your heart is broken?” Izzie asked, and she scooched herself up into a sitting position, back against the headboard, clearly making room in case her mentor wanted to sit.

“You know about my broken heart?” Addison couldn’t figure out how Izzie would know or why she would care in the wake of losing Denny. She sat down next to Izzie, leaning back against the headboard, and swung her legs up onto the bed.

Two broken-hearted women sitting side by side. Survivors – battered and bloody, at least on the inside – of the same war.

“I heard Meredith and Finn last night talking about you – well, you, and Derek, and Meredith. – And I’m sorry.”

“Thanks. I’m sorry, too, for you as well as for me.”

Addison had thought a lot about Izzie’s situation as well as her own in the past couple of days. She had tried to decide what was worse – to lose the man you loved when you were just starting, when the love was fresh and new and exciting and you knew that he loved you more than anything or to lose the man you loved after 12 years of love and commitment and euphoria and mistakes and heartbreak. There was no answer to that question.

“Denny was a good man, and I know you loved him and he loved you.”

“So how do you do it?”

“You just – you put one foot in front of the other,” Addison took a deep breath. “I – somewhere along the way I learned that even when you’re down, when you’re broken, if you at least look like you have your act together, it helps. Other people might think you really do, and if it doesn’t fix what’s wrong inside, at least – at least I function.”

“I can’t seem to function,” Izzie said. “I can’t even seem to get up and go to the bathroom. I know Mere and George are worried. Even Callie and Christina. And Alex. Bailey called. I can’t seem to care. I lost Denny, my love and my future rolled up into one. And my career. I am nothing. I might as well move back to the trailer park.”

“The trailer park?” Addie asked.

“I grew up in this small town trailer park. My mother works long shifts at the diner. And I was determined to get out. I worked hard and I used everything – my brains at school, my looks to model. And here I am, but now it’s all gone. Everything I worked for. Everything I am. I am nothing.”

“It’s not gone,” Addie reassured her. “You’re here. You’re a fighter. You may not feel like one now, but you’re a survivor. So we’re going to fix things, one piece at a time.”

“Where do I start? How?”

“You start by eating something. Taking a shower. Then tomorrow, we’re going to have a meeting.”

“A meeting?” Izzie was puzzled.

“You, me, Bailey and Burke. We’re going to figure out the best course of action professionally and then we’ll make it happen. You are too talented a doctor and too fabulous a person to spend the rest of your life in pajamas in bed. That doesn’t mean that your actions aren’t going to have a cost professionally – they are. But we’re going to make the best out of a bad situation. So you need to think about what you want professionally and how we’re going to get there – and what price you’re willing to pay.”

Izzie turned and looked at Addison, and Addison looked back at her. Then, Izzie nodded.

Addison stood up. “Good. Now eat that sandwich.” She walked to the door and paused again, looked Izzie straight in the eye and said with empathy in her voice. “I’m sorry about Denny. I really am. But now, now we have to focus on you. So I will see you tomorrow. Burke’s room at 7:30 a.m.”

“Addison,” Izzie called out as Addison entered the hallway. Her mentor turned back to look at Izzie. “Thank you.”

Addison just nodded and left. Without a word, she walked past Meredith sitting on the couch on her way out of the Grey house. It looked like Meredith was crying, and Addison reminded herself a second time that Meredith Grey was not her friend and definitely not her problem.

Meredith pulled an old afghan over herself and just sat there on the couch. Seeing Addison had brought the night before back to her, not that it had ever really faded away.

“Why can’t you talk to Addison? . . . I think it’s time for you to be straight with me.” Finn had said after George left the room. “I told you that it’s fine if you’re scary and damaged, and I promise I will understand and I will try to help, but I need to know what’s going on. Because that night, I felt like I was in one of those old westerns where the two gunslingers duel over the girl, and I had no idea what was going on. That’s not fair to me.”

“It’s a long story . . . and not a very pretty one.”

Finn took the bottle of wine and refilled their glasses before taking a seat. “I’ve got time.”

Meredith nodded, took a seat across the table and kept her eyes down on the wood, tracing the patterns. She couldn’t look at Finn – or anyone – and tell the story.

“I met Derek when he and I first moved to Seattle. It was the night before my internship. We both were at Joe’s, having a few drinks. I picked him up, or he picked me up. Whatever. We had a one-night stand. That was supposed to be it.”

She glanced up and saw Finn’s eyes on her, so beautiful and kind and unprepared for what she was about to say, and quickly lowered her gaze again.

“Then I discovered that my one-night stand was in fact my boss, or my boss’s boss, and I tried to end it, but I liked him and he liked me and we just kept sleeping together. I can’t really say dated, because it wasn’t like we went out to eat or on dates, but we were regularly sleeping together and we liked each other. I had my own other issues and Derek had his own other issues – obviously – but we never talked about them. Neither of us wanted to be serious, to deal with our problems. We were each so busy hiding our own problem, I don’t think either of us even realized the other one had a secret, too.”

“Where was Addison while all this was going on?”

“New York.” Meredith paused, guzzled the rest of her wine. “I’m not going to explain Derek’s issues or Derek’s and Addison’s issues because those are their issues, not mine, and they’re only tangentially relevant. So I’ll just say that they were in a really bad place in their marriage, Addison had hurt Derek badly, and he came out here to – I don’t know – get away from her, from their marriage, whatever. He never told me he was married. . . . And then one day Addison showed up. That’s how I found out.”

“So Addison came to Seattle ostensibly for a case, but she also made clear that she wanted Derek back. At the same time, however, she offered him his freedom. She gave him the choice to fix their problems and rebuild their marriage or to divorce, and he picked her.”

“But?” Finn asked, sensing this was not the end of the story.

“But I don’t know. It was like now that we couldn’t be together, I wanted Derek more than ever, and he wanted me, too. I mean, I was mad, I was angry, I was hurt, but I was also fixated on him, on what we could have had together. And it wasn’t one-sided. If it was, maybe I would have gotten over it. But Derek was fixated on me, too, and we would flirt and pretend to be just friends, but it was a lie. Addison bought it, or at least she pretended to, and she tried to be friends with me, too. Derek would go home to Addison and I would pick up more strange men in bars. And that was that.”

“That’s it? What changed at the Prom?”

“I can’t tell you. If I tell you, you’ll hate me.”

“I won’t hate you, Meredith. How could I hate you?”

“You will. You’ll hate me and you’ll be disgusted by me. I know. Because I hate me. And I’m disgusted by me. But, whatever, I deserve it," she took a deep breath and then spoke quickly. "At the Prom, Derek was looking at us dancing, and I couldn’t take it. I left. And he followed me. We ended up in an exam room. And I – I lost my underwear.”

“You had sex with Derek Shepherd,” Finn said, to confirm, to make no mistake.

Meredith nodded, unable to look up and meet his eyes.

“While Addison was what, down the hallway? While I was down the hallway?”

Meredith nodded again, the tears crawling down her cheek.

Finn stood up, picked up his jacket from the chair, and walked toward the door. At the door, he paused for a moment but he didn’t turn around.

“I don’t hate you, Meredith,” he said, before he walked out. “I don’t hate you.”

As Meredith sat on the couch in her living room 24 hours later, she just heard the echo of those words, “I don’t hate you.”

But it didn’t matter. Those words from Finn couldn’t keep her from hating herself.

*******

Across town, Miranda Bailey stared in disbelief at what she had found on her doorstop.

“You have a lot of guts showing up here.”

“I need to talk to Addison and I figured she would prefer to do it in private rather than causing yet another scene at the hospital.” Derek was nervous enough about this conversation and having to go through the pit bull that is Miranda Bailey protecting her best friend was not helping matters.

“A. She’s not here. B. Did you really think ambushing her is the right thing to do? C. You are an insane idiot. D. According to the rumor mill, the vet dumped Meredith Grey, so why don’t you go chase her?”

Tucker kept an eye on the scene on his front porch. Miranda usually limited herself to verbal smackdowns; but, given how she felt about Derek Shepherd at the moment, Tucker was not entirely sure she would limit herself tonight. At least she didn’t have the baby in her arms. Nevertheless, Tucker didn’t want to have to have conjugal visits in prison if Miranda killed Derek; plus, while he thought Derek was an absolute moron for cheating on Addison, the man had once saved his life. So he kept an eye and an ear out.

“Look, I know you don’t believe me, but I love Addison. I screwed up, as bad as a man could. And not just at the Prom, but since she came to Seattle and even before that. Maybe it took me hitting rock bottom to see it. But I do now. I’ve realized it. I love Addison. And anything you want to do to me for hurting her, I deserve.”

“Fine,” Bailey said, unsure if she could believe a word he was saying. “Even if you do, why the heck should she give you the time of day?”

“She shouldn’t. You think I don’t realize that? But I love her. I know she deserves better, but I can’t help how I feel. I love Addison, and I think – I think despite everything, underneath the anger, and the pain, and the hurt, she might still love me. If there’s a chance, if there’s a glimmer of a chance, that we could still love each other, that we could forgive and build something new and stronger and better, then I have to try.”

Bailey gave him her infamous Nazi stare.

And there was silence. A long, heavy silence. Derek felt like the stare could possibly stop his heart, which might not be the worst resolution to this whole situation.

Then, Bailey pronounced judgment before turning and going inside to her husband and son.

“You can wait on the porch.”

Chapter 7

****

Addison had had a long, long day.

She had woken up hung over – despite the water and anticipatory ibuprofen she had consumed before bed. The water and ibuprofen had been no match for the quantity of alcohol in her system.

It was her pager that woke her. She had rushed to Seattle Grace to discover that a high-risk patient whom she had been monitoring for weeks had gone into pre-term labor. Despite her best efforts and those of George O’Malley, they had been unable to save the baby and the mother had lost her uterus as well when they couldn’t get the bleeding under control. Thankfully she hadn’t lost her life, but that was small consolation to the Addison's patient today.

Though Addison had done everything she could, and she knew in her head that even her best wasn’t always going to be enough, she felt the loss of that baby and that mother’s future potential babies in the core of her soul.

While they were treating the patient, O’Malley had approached her about Izzie Stevens – both her professional problems, which clearly were not insubstantial, and the fact that she was a mess in general, mourning Denny in her pajamas without eating or showering or leaving her bed, unresponsive to her friends’ concerns.

So, despite everything going on in her own life, Addison mustered the energy to go see Izzie, passing Meredith on her way to and from Izzie’s bedroom sanctuary, to express her sympathy and to try to help pull her at least a step closer to living her life again.

Now, she was exhausted.

All she wanted was a glass of white wine and a full night of sleep in the guest bed that Miranda and Tucker were so graciously allowing her to appropriate for as long as she needed it.

So to say Addison was less than pleased to see Derek waiting for her as she walked up to the Bailey porch was more than a little bit of an understatement.

“I’m really tired, Derek.”

“I know. I heard about your patient and I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

Derek looked at Addison and the tiredness emanated from her very being. She looked perfectly coifed on the outside, but Derek could see exhaustion of her soul. He knew that he was largely responsible for it.

“You didn’t come all the way over here to express sympathy about my losing a baby.”

“No. I did want to tell you I was sorry. But I also came to talk to you, in private. I need to talk to you, to tell you some things. I didn’t want to make another big scene at the hospital because, well, we’ve entertained the gossip mill plenty. And I know that is my fault, but I still thought maybe it’d be better to talk in private.”

“I’m sort of surprised Miranda hasn’t called the cops on you.”

Derek smiled at the recollection of Bailey’s recent verbal whipping.

“I think there’s some pity mixed up in her contempt and desire to kill. After beating me down, she told me I could wait on the porch.”

Addison looked at Derek, really looked at him, for the first time since she realized what he had done with Meredith Grey at the Prom. And she realized he looked awful. Worse than she did, although that was just due to her skill with makeup and a curling iron. Not worse than she felt. And not worse than Izzie, since he had at least showered in the last 48 hours.

Nevertheless, Derek looked like a man who hadn’t been sleeping, hadn’t been eating, and had had a date with the bottle. She tried to harden her heart against the glimmer of concern lodged there.

“Fine.”

“Fine?” Derek asked.

“Look, you came over here to tell me something. I’m listening. Tell me, so I can go inside, have my glass of wine and go to sleep.”

Derek gave his wife a wry smile.

“So you’ll hear me out just to get rid of me?”

“Exactly.” Addison nodded, taking a seat on the steps of the Bailey porch. Suddenly she was too tired to even stand.

“OK. I’ve rehearsed this a thousand times in my head and now I know it’s not going to come out right. But here goes.”

Derek sat down next to his wife and looked her in the eye. He didn’t attempt to touch her. He wanted so badly to take her in his arms, but he knew that even his hand on hers would be unwelcome. It was enough that she was going to listen, even if it was just so he would then leave.

“I love you, Addison. I know that I don’t deserve to, that I am nowhere near good enough for you, and that I’ve done nothing but hurt you for a long time now. In New York when I didn’t prioritize our marriage. When I left without a word. When you came here and I treated you like crap, using my own pain as a justification to just keep on hurting you. I know that what I did with Meredith at the Prom was just the final straw.”

“And I’m so sorry for all of it. I don’t even – there are no words to express how sorry I am for all of it, and most especially for what I did the other night.”

“But the one thing that the last 48 hours has made clear to me is that you are the one I love. You are the person I most regret hurting. You are the person I see when I close my eyes and think about my life twenty years from now or fifty years from now. I love you. I lost my way for a while, but I am in love with you. And I am asking you, no begging you, to consider giving me another chance even though I recognize that I in no way deserve it.”

“Derek,” Addison finally interrupted, unable to listen to her husband’s declaration any longer in silence. “The problem with this nice little speech – and the one you made outside the neonatal unit -- is that I can’t believe a word you say. Not one word. Because everything, every single thing that you’ve said to me for months has been a lie. So I don’t see what you hope to get out of being here, out of doing this. Unless you just want to twist the knife a little more?”

“Addison, the last thing I want to do is hurt you more. And I know you can’t believe me. I don’t blame you. I never meant to lie to you, to deceive you. And, believe it or not, I never meant to sleep with Meredith again.”

“We ended it when you and I agreed not to divorce. I don’t want you to think that this was going on for six months. We didn’t have sex from the day you walked into Seattle Grace until the one crazy, stupid, idiotic time at the Prom. It’s just – I don’t know -- we didn’t end it right, or something.”

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I don’t know if it was my guilt at hurting her or if it was just that we ended so abruptly but I was crazed about her. I thought if we could be friends, if I could make sure she was OK, that would be fine, but that didn’t work. I was deceiving myself because I was just feeding my unhealthy obsession. I know it was wrong. And I know that if you were to decide to give me another chance, it would never happen again.”

“Really?” Addison asked, bitterness and sarcasm evident in her tone. “Because from my vantage point, it seems to me that you’re here with me on this porch because Meredith didn’t want you. She picked Finn, right? Left the Prom with him? So maybe you should rethink this whole speech about loving me because I don’t know if you’ve heard the latest Seattle Grace gossip, but Finn dumped her. She’s free and back on the market. And I saw her not long ago and she’s in tears, so maybe you should go rescue her, McDreamy.”

Derek winced at the embarassing nickname, said with such sarcasm and vitriol.

“I know that Meredith and Finn had a fight, broke up, whatever. No less than a dozen people made sure I knew today. But I don’t care. If anything, I hope they work it out. What Meredith and I did was a mistake. A big, giant, monumental mistake. I cared about her. I was obsessed with her. I felt guilty about hurting her. But I never loved her the way I love you.”

“Really? . . . So maybe you wouldn’t cheat on her?”

Derek bit back the words that she cheated first. That simply did not matter anymore. For he finally had understood and forgiven Addison for her affair with Mark. And next to his own sins, well, Addison’s one giant mistake paled in comparison.

Meanwhile, Addison had been waiting for the obvious comeback. That she cheated first. He had never been shy about throwing it in her face before. So she was stunned by Derek’s next words.

“I know you have no reason to believe me. . . but you are the one I want and if you give me another chance, I promise you will never ever regret it. . . .”

“When you first came to Seattle, there was a point in time when I was so angry and you said to me that you might be Satan and you might be a bitch, but you still were the love of my life. I still remember those words, as if you said them yesterday. I couldn’t admit it then, but you were right. Not about the Satan part, about the love of my life part. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it.”

“I know I have no right to ask you for another chance. And if what you decide is that you really want is a divorce, I promise I won’t contest it. I’ll sign whatever papers you want.”

“But if there’s some glimmer of a hope, I have to try, I have to beg you to consider giving me one last chance to get it right. Because I love you. I promise you that – while I probably will make other mistakes – I won’t make the same ones again. I won’t cheat on you. And I won’t take you for granted. And I know you think you can’t believe me, because my track record is terrible, but if you give me a chance I will prove it to you with more than just pretty words.”

“I’m willing to do whatever you want – therapy, move back to New York, sell the trailer, anything – if you’ll just hold off on the divorce papers and give me a chance to prove to you that I can be the man that I once was, the man you married, the man you could trust with your heart, your best friend. Indeed, the first thing I think we should do if you are willing is therapy – with a better therapist then the one we used the first time around.”

“He wasn’t very good,” Addison interjected. One small point they could agree on.

“Because just like you are the love of my life,” Derek continued, “I believe that somewhere deep down underneath the anger and the rage and all those other things you are more than entitled to feel, I believe that you still love me, that I am still the love of your life. And if we have a tiny fraction of a chance to reclaim our love and our life together, I want to seize that.”

“So all I am asking, Addie, -- and I know it’s far more than I deserve – is that you think about it, think about whether there is any way, definitely not today or tomorrow, but maybe down the road, that you can forgive me and that we can rebuild. Because I love you and I want to rebuild my life with you.”

Addison looked at Derek when he fell silent. Then she stood up and walked into the house and let the door close behind her, leaving Derek still sitting on the porch of the Bailey house. Alone.

Physician, Heal Thyself, Chapter 3

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 06:11:46 GMT

Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Same as the first two.

The paperwork spoke for itself.

Employee’s name:

Gregory House

Describe the medical facts which support your request for leave under the FMLA:

Chronic pain in his leg, the result of surgery to remove part of the thigh muscle due to an infarction. Breakthrough pain occurs at intermittent intervals. Past use of Vicodin to control the pain has led to increased tolerance and decreased effectiveness. Furthermore, the patient has exhibited addictive tendencies, including a tendency to consume more Vicodin then prescribed, to self-prescribe, and to otherwise abuse the prescribed drug. Given the presence of ongoing chronic and breakthrough pain, a new pain management regime must be established and the patient’s addictive tendencies addressed with physical and psychiatric therapy, among other techniques. This process will be handled as an inpatient at Bolingbrook Center.

State the probable duration of the condition (and also the probable duration of the patient’s present incapacity if different):

Duration of the condition – forever. Duration of the present incapacity – approximately eight to 12 weeks.

“Reading something interesting?”

Cuddy drew her eyes involuntarily from the paper she had been reading and rereading to meet Wilson.

“I don’t know if interesting is the right word,” she frowned. “It is, however, the first time I’ve ever gotten timely and complete paperwork from House.”

“I wouldn’t necessarily attribute that to him,” Wilson replied. “They must just have efficient administrators at Bolingbrook.”

Cuddy sighed. “Do you think he’s going to be OK?” she wondered aloud, not really expecting an answer.

“I don’t know,” Wilson replied anyway. “I hope so.”

“I just hate that he’s all by himself.”

“That was his choice,” Wilson reminded her as he turned to leave. “He didn’t have to run away like the lone ranger.”

“Didn’t he?”

It wasn’t until she caught Wilson’s stare that Cuddy realized that she had voiced that thought aloud.

***

That night, as she was leaving Princeton-Plainsboro, Cuddy found herself drawn to the silent Diagnostics Department. All was quiet, as the fellows had been sent to their respective specialties to kill time, but hopefully not patients, until House’s return.

She walked inside and passed by the big white board, eerily pristine and white, and found herself sitting in House’s chair behind his desk.

His array of toys were present, as if waiting for his return to a life of goofing off between episodes of eccentricity leading to eclectic diagnoses.

The gameboy. The ipod. The ball he loved to annoy everyone by bouncing.

What was missing was the aura of House -- that feeling of controlled pandemonium, that sensation that she never knew what was coming next.

The office was simply too quiet.

With her problem genius on the other end of the country, the office felt almost like any other office.

Cuddy sat in House’s chair and began to bounce his thinking ball.

Bounce. Bounce. Bounce.

It was rhythmic. Hypnotizing.

Cuddy caught the ball and returned it to its home on House’s desk.

***

For the second time since House went AWOL, Cuddy used her key to let herself into his darkened house. The pandemonium that House had left behind registered once again as she passed through the living room to the kitchen where Steven McQueen reigned supreme.

“I can’t believe I agreed to take care of a rat,” she grumbled aloud as she flipped on the lights.

She moved quickly to House’s kitchen and looked around, wondering where one would keep rat food. She opened the pantry and found some Cheerios.

“Here’s a start,” she told Steve McQueen as she poured some in a paper bowl and quickly put them in the cage. “The website said you can eat cereal. But you wouldn’t happen to know where House keeps your real food, do you?”

Steve McQueen had no answers for her. At least he did not put forth sarcastic nonanswers.

“You know,” Cuddy continued her one-sided conversation as she pondered where else to look for rat food. “Your owner is a real pain in my ass. I could tell you some stories....”

Under the sink, Cuddy hit paydirt.

“It figures he would import gourmet rat food from Canada,” she observed, as she dished it out. “It takes a rat to feed a rat.”

She watched Steve eat.

“The website said you should have a buddy,” Cuddy told the movie star. “But you’re going to have take that up with House when he comes back. . . . If he comes back.”

House’s best friend fed, Cuddy turned her attention to less pressing matters. She pulled out a garbage bag and began to systematically dump in the contents of the mad scientist’s refrigerator. She started with his possible science experiments and moved on to anything that might spoil, grow, or otherwise smell. She contemplated with disgust House’s eating habits as she worked her way through leftover containers of pizza, Chinese food, and something that might once have passed for Thai. When the bag was full, she took it out to the dumpster.

“Don’t look at me like that,” she told Steve upon her return to the kitchen as she began to literally clean the refrigerator. “He can’t come home to this.”

***

When she finally got home, Cuddy pulled on her comfy pajamas and flipped on the TV to help wind down. She sat on the couch with her Lean Cuisine and began changing channels, looking for something to watch.

When she hit a monster truck jam, she could not bring herself to change the channel again.

Instead, her thoughts turned to House. Was he watching across the country? Were there even TVs at Bolingbrook Center? Was he detoxing? Or was this one more trick?

She had risked her career – her life -- for him, and he had disappeared.

No thank you, no notice. The only concern that House expressed was for his rat.

She was worried and angry and concerned and pissed off; her emotions were like a seesaw, but she only got the down side. There was no relief or joy; only fear and rage.

Was House even planning to come back?

Suddenly, Cuddy realized that even if House didn’t have the courtesy to call her and tell her what he was doing himself, she had more than a few things to say to him. She grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and began to jot down her thoughts.

House,

How dare you just disappear on me? Didn’t you think that I’d worry? Didn’t I deserve better than that after everything?

Didn’t you think that Wilson would worry – even more than me? That your team would worry? Even Brenda was worried about you. We almost called the cops on you, as if that wouldn’t have made everything worse.

What I said to you in that jail cell still holds – your ass is mine – just as soon as you get out of Bolingbrook Center. You'd better put it on a plane straight back here to New Jersey.

Anyway, I’m glad that you’re getting help dealing with the pain; from the research I’ve been doing, the place looks like it’s the best. But don’t you think it gets you out of what you owe me. . . . I expect you back here, bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready for some clinic hours, gladhanding with donors, and whatever else I need. I think I might set up a special clinic day with only the most annoying patients, especially for you.

Anyway, the rat is fed. You order gourmet rat food? And whatever was growing in your fridge is gone; you’ll just have to start new experiments of your own when you get back.

Call me if you need anything.

Cuddy

p.s. If this rehab turns out to be like the last one, the West Coast isn’t far enough to hide from my wrath.

Physician, Heal Thyself, Chapter 2

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 04:55:43 GMT

Without further delay, Physician, Heal Thyself, Chapter 2.

Disclaimer: Still don't own the characters. Still no profit. Thanks for creating them and letting me borrow them. Feedback is always welcome

“My suspicion is you have better friends than you deserve.”

The judge had modified her words. Held back what she first intended to say.

That Cuddy had lied for him. That he was a drug addict and a thief who belonged in jail. That he had stolen drugs from a dead man. Embroiled Wilson in his troubles, and then blamed the oncologist for them. Hit Chase.

“My suspicion is you have better friends than you deserve.”

“You make everyone around you worse off for being there.”

Cuddy’s words traded off with the judge’s in his head.

The restrained anger. The resignation. The frustration.

“My suspicion is you have better friends than you deserve.”

“You make everyone around you worse off for being there.”

Like a CD player stuck on repeat, as he lay on the barely-there mattress on the metal springs, his leg aching rhythmically despite the Vicodin that Wilson had unknowingly smuggled in via Voldemort, he heard the words again and again and again.

“My suspicion is you have better friends than you deserve.”

“You make everyone around you worse off for being there.”

They were more annoying than Cameron being nice, or Foreman being his boss. Or Chase just being Chase.

“My suspicion is you have better friends than you deserve.”

“You make everyone around you worse off for being there.”

The contraband Vicodin wore off too soon and the words got louder as the pain in his leg began to shoot in time with the words emblazoned in his audio memory.

“My suspicion is you have better friends than you deserve.”

“You make everyone around you worse off for being there.”

The pain in his leg and the voices in his head. Could be poetry.

Or worse.

Truth.

***

When his 24 hours were up, he half-expected an armed guard to escort him back to his voluntary rehab. Instead, alone at the door to the county jail, expected to fend for himself, limping and tortured like something out of a Bronte novel, he called a cab.

“My suspicion is you have better friends than you deserve.”

“You make everyone around you worse off for being there.”

The voices in his head were reminders as he waited.

He was alone. He had driven them all off.

They were better off.

***

His tour de Casa House took only a few minutes. After all, the cab was waiting, and his house de House was not so much a home these days.

He stuffed some clothes and reading material his backpack, grabbed the last of his secret stash of pain meds, dumped some food for Steve, and hobbled outthe door.

He knew where he had been. Knew where he was going. Or maybe not.

At least he would no longer be making them all worse off.

***

Courtesy of weather and an unexpected stop in Denver, it was almost a day later by the time he made it to Seattle.

The effect of his last few Vicodin had disappeared long before the plane hit the turbulence over the Rockies. The handful of Advil combined with the mini bottles of Vodka did little to dull the pain.

He drifted in some sort of half-awake haze of pain and not-strong-enough narcotics.

The voices continued to trade off with the pain.

“My suspicion is you have better friends than you deserve.”

“You make everyone around you worse off for being there.”

***

Bolingbrook Center. The sign was simple and green and white.

“All hope abandon ye who enter here” is what it should have said.

Dante’s Divine Comedy. Or perhaps House’s Divine Tragedy.

Perhaps, “You make everyone around you worse off for being there”? That’d look good on a sign.

“Are you getting out, buddy?” the cab driver said.

“I’m not your buddy,” House growled, even as he shuffled himself out of the cab. “I’m not anyone’s buddy.”

Each step sent shooting pains through his leg, and he leaned harder on his cane than ever before. His crutch and his pain. He felt like he’d had another chunk of muscle removed.

It’d be even worse inside.

But at least he’d get something for the physical pain.

***

“Liz.”

House growled at the redheaded woman who greeted him in the lobby.

“If it isn’t Dr. Gregory House?” she replied, her tone even. “I’ve been waiting for you for years.

House didn’t want to play poker with Liz Samuels. She had been a few years ahead of him at med school, and even back then she could hold her own in head-to-head action. Her face showed not a trace of surprise; maybe, lack of reaction was something one learned in head-shrinking school.

They had never been friends, but he knew she was the best at what she did. When he had researched pain alternatives, he had sometimes run his eclectic ideas past her. She had told him to come to Bolingbrook for years to find a better solution than poisoning himself with Vicodin. He ignored her and kept running his eccentric plans by her. She was the first one he had told about the Ketamine, and she had helped him research it.

He had never told Cuddy or Wilson or anyone about his experimentation with other forms of pain medication or his correspondence with a pain guru/shrink.

He needed Cuddy and Wilson too much to leave them for Bolingbrook. Not that he would admit it, even with hot pokers running through his leg. He needed them to believe that he was whole – well, as whole as a man with a hole in his leg could be.

“You make everyone around you worse off for being there.” Cuddy’s words condemned him.

Now they would be better off without him.

***

“So you didn’t tell anyone where you were going? Don’t you think your friends are worried about you?”

“They’re better off without me,” House growled. They said so themselves.

Ironically, at the rehab they gave something for the pain. Morphine. Even better than Vicodin. Just a temporary solution while they figured out a real plan, Liz had warned him. He had fallen asleep in the hall three seconds after the relief had hit and it was 12 hours later before he awoke to Liz demanding he deal with practicalities.

The pain was at bay, temporarily, but the voices were back.

“My suspicion is you have better friends than you deserve.”

“You make everyone around you worse off for being there.”

“House.” Liz’s voice drew him back to the physical world, away from the voices. “What about your job?”

“You call them,” he insisted petulantly. “Call Cuddy and tell her where I am and to send the godforsaken paperwork she adores. I warn you that she won’t believe you. Or maybe it’s that she won’t believe me. Anyway, remind her to feed my rat. Or to get Wilson to do it.”

“Don’t you want to talk to her? Or anyone else before we start this in earnest?”

“No,” he could still hear the echoes in his head. “I just make everything worse”

Physician, Heal Thyself, Chapter 1

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 06:50:59 GMT

As my life continues, I remain overcome by my new obsession. This is Chapter 1 of a longer House fic that I am calling Physician, Heal Thyself. As always, the characters aren't mine but I'm grateful to borrow them and return them gently used. This begins post Words and Deeds.

“Where is he?”

Cuddy’s voice cut sharply through the Diagnostics office. Chase, Cameron, and Foreman conferred silently before Foreman stated the obvious.

“He’s not here.”

“No shit, Sherlocks. That doesn’t answer my question.”

“We don’t know,” Cameron admitted softly. “He never checked back into rehab after his night in jail.”

Cuddy glared at them one by one, as if one of his protégés was hiding House in a back pocket.

“Find him,” she directed, the tone of her voice leaving no room for hesitation.

***

“I don’t know, Lisa,” Wilson’s voice was pained. “I haven’t heard from him.”

“His ass is mine,” she declared.

Her tone was stern but if he listened carefully enough Wilson could hear the worry and the anger at war underneath. He looked up and saw the Three Musketeers in the doorway to Cuddy's office.

“According to the prison,” Cameron volunteered, “he called a taxi.”

“I checked with the taxi service, and it took him home.” Foreman continued. “I went over there and his car is gone. I went in and it didn’t look any different to me than last time I was there.”

“Maybe he just took the day off to enjoy his freedom on the open road,” Chase suggested.

Cuddy glared.

***

“I went over there,” Wilson started when he caught up with Cuddy at the end of the day, “and there’s no sign of him. No sign of foul play. No suicide note. No sign that he intended to go anywhere. I fed Steve McQueen.”

Cuddy raised an eyebrow.

“What exactly do you expect me to do with this information?”

“Should we call the police or something? I already checked ERs and the morgue.” Wilson informed her.

“So we’re going to call the same police department that’s been harassing him and the rest of us for weeks and tell them that our crazy drug-addicted diagnostician went AWOL?” Cuddy asked rhetorically. “Let’s face it. This is House just playing with us, trying to make me worry about him so I forget that I own his ass from now until the end of time. He can take his little unscheduled vacation but for every day he’s gone, I’m adding double clinic hours to his tab. You tell him that when you hear from him. He’s going to have to come back sooner or later, if only to stock up on Vicodin.”

“You know he didn’t get off in rehab?” Wilson was surprised.

“I am Lisa Cuddy,” she asserted. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

***

Cuddy drove by House’s place on her way home. Without conscious thought, she found herself parking, walking up to the front door, and letting herself in with a key she had long ago confiscated without her problem doctor’s knowledge or consent. He could break into her house; she could break into his.

She saw Steve McQueen running in the wheel in his cage. She opened the refrigerator door and saw a disgusting conglomeration of leftover Chinese food and pizza boxes, turned milk, and beer. She didn't speculate about the things that were not readily identifiable.

She walked back to his bedroom and saw the usual assortment of jeans and T-shirts lying about.

There was no sign of her wayward, headstrong, recalcitrant diagnostician.

“So help me God, House,” she declared aloud to only the rat Steve McQueen, “If you are doing this on purpose, I’m going to rip a hole in the other leg.”

***

The next morning, Cuddy came into work looking professional as always. It was only when Wilson looked closely that he could see the dark circles that signified her sleepless night. He was just about to suggest again that they report House missing when her assistant interrupted.

“Dr. Cuddy, you have a phone call. It’s a Dr. Samuels,” the assistant du jour poked her head in the door.

“I don’t think I know a Dr. Samuels. Can you take a message?” Cuddy had too much on her plate to worry about a non-emergency.

Just a few seconds passed when the assistant returned.

“She says it’s about Dr. House.”

Cuddy took a deep breath before she picked up the phone.

“This is Dr. Cuddy,” her tone was professional, but Wilson could see the concern etched on her face.

“Dr. Cuddy, my name is Dr. Liz Samuels,” the voice on the other end was pleasant. “I am calling to inform you that Dr. House has checked himself into Bolingbrook Center.”

“Bolingbrook Center?” Cuddy tried to remember where she had heard of it before. She used one hand to type the name into her laptop and exchanged a glance with Wilson when the website appeared.

“Yes, outside Seattle. We are a special kind of rehabilitation center. We specialize in finding workable approaches for people with chronic pain.”

“Is this for real?” Cuddy asked, wondering if House was playing a sick practical joke on her.

Samuels laughed.

“Dr. House warned me that you wouldn’t believe me, Dr. Cuddy. Feel free to look me up and call me back.”

“No, it’s fine. I’m just surprised,” Cuddy said. “So are you just calling to inform me of House’s whereabouts?”

“He asked me to. I need you to send me whatever paperwork he needs to fill out for a leave of absence while he is being treated here. In addition, he asked me to ask you to either feed his rat or get someone named Wilson to do so.”

“I’ll take care of it,” Cuddy assured her.

***

Cuddy spent the morning reading up on Bolingbrook. Founded 10 years ago and loosely associated with Seattle Grace Teaching Hospital, it was the premiere facility in the country for drug addicts with chronic pain problems. Most of their patients had one or the other – a drug addiction or chronic pain – but where the clinic excelled was with patients who had both.

“Why hadn’t she thought of sending House there long ago?” she wondered. “Maybe because it was so far away,” she admitted to herself.

“Why do you think he went all the way to Seattle?” Wilson asked once he had finished his own reading and come to compare notes.

“It’s the best,” Cuddy said. “I don’t know why we didn’t think of this long ago.”

“I think he went to get away from us.”

Karma, Chapters 4-5

Fri, 12 Jan 2007 01:36:43 GMT

Sorry about the slow pace of reposting. I've recently gotten obsessed with House and have been frantically reading everyone else's fanfic. But I know I have to keep going and finish up some of these neverending stories. Same disclaimer as always; comments are always welcome.

Chapter 4

“Dr. Montgomery.”

“Yes?”

Addison looked up in the scrub room and saw Callie Torres, an orthopedics surgeon whom she’d never really had reason to interact with before, standing in the doorway.

Callie recalled walking in on the aftermath of the sexual escapades of Derek and Meredith; she had heard about Addison’s announced name change; and she just couldn’t help herself from stopping when she saw the redheaded neonatal attending scrubbing for surgery while Callie was on her way back from a knee replacement.

“Look, I don’t really know you, and this really isn’t my place, but well I’ve never been good at knowing my place. . . . I just wanted to say. . . .”

“Yes?” Addison raised an eyebrow to emphasize her questioning tone.

“Way to go,” Callie told herself that she would want to hear what she had to say if she was Addison. “No one deserves to be treated the way Derek Shepherd treated you. I was thrilled to hear you dumped him. You deserve better.”

With that, Callie turned to leave.

“Dr. Torres?”

She turned back around at the sound of Addison’s voice.

“Thanks. Believe it or not, it means a lot.”

Callie nodded and turned to leave again.

“Dr. Torres?” Callie turned back again. “If you don’t have plans this evening, Miranda Bailey and I are going out for drinks to celebrate my independence or mourn my marriage, I’m not really sure which -- or maybe both. Anyway, if you are interested, I’d love it if you’d join us.”

***

“So I stopped by to see you last night before I left the hospital, but you were otherwise occupied.”

“Christina was here. . . . Finally.”

“Yes, she was.”

“I understand you had quite the busy night last night yourself.” Burke’s tone was even, nonjudgmental, not revealing how much he wished he could just get up and shake some sense into Derek Shepherd. Well, sadly, it was too late for sense.

“Gossip really travels in this hospital.”

“Derek, you have turned your life into something worse than a soap opera. Everyone in this hospital waits and watches to see what idiotic thing you’re going to do next. The nurses. The orderlies. The doctors. Joe. Heck, even the patients. -- So, yes, when you not so discretely follow Meredith into an exam room, come out disheveled, and then your wife announces quite publicly that she’s dumped you, it doesn’t take long for news to travel.”

“Well, since we’ve covered what a failure I am as a husband, perhaps we should instead focus on me as a doctor. Or you as a patient. How does your hand feel? Any pain? Any problems with motion?”

Burke paused for a minute, decided to let Derek’s personal failings go and focus on himself.

“It feels fine,” Burke hesitated.

“But?” Derek prompted, as he looked up from Burke’s chart at the hesitation he sensed in his colleague's voice.

“There have been trembles.”

“How often?”

“Not constant. But sometimes. When I try to focus on controlling the hand, making it still.”

“Show me.”

Burke raised the hand, and then as he and Derek both stared at it, the trembles came. Derek reached out and felt the hand, then turned it over and examined it.

“OK. There is no reason to panic. I’m going to order a few tests, and we’ll see what we’re dealing with it. . . . There is every reason to think that this is just temporary and will resolve itself without any further surgery. So try not to let the worry consume you.”

“Derek.”

“Yes?”

“What am I going to do if I can’t be a surgeon?”

“Don’t think like that. You know as well as I do that there is a very good chance that this is just your hand healing as it should, or at most a small speed bump on the road to recovery. And I am going to make it my mission in life to see you back in an OR.”

Preston looked Derek in the eye, and finally he nodded his acknowledgment.

“If you need to distract yourself, feel free to think about the badly written soap that is my life,” Derek advised his patient. “If you come up with any good ways for me to redeem myself, I could use all the help I can get.”

“Who exactly are you trying to redeem yourself with? The general viewing public?”

“No. I have an all important audience of one – my wife.”

Preston stared at Derek in astonishment.

“We all know that I’m the most brilliant surgeon on staff, but that’s an operation that even I cannot perform, Derek. I’m afraid the diagnosis for your marriage is terminal.”

“Don’t you believe in miracles, Dr. Burke?”

“Not this one, Dr. Shepherd.”

****

“Hello, Ellis.”

“Meredith. How are you today? Your patients?”

“My patients are fine. I’m working on a neonatal case, but I was able to sneak away for a few minutes to see you since everything’s under control workwise. . . . But I’m afraid I’m not so good otherwise.” Meredith confided, ironically enough, in her mother.

One dirty mistress to another.

Maybe her mother, stuck as she was in the time when she was Richard Webber’s dirty mistress as well as a dirty cheater on her own husband, would have some advice for her. Yeah. Irony.

“What’s wrong?”

“I made a huge mistake yesterday. A gargantuan mistake. There isn’t even a word big enough for the size of the mistake I made.”

“A medical mistake?”

“No. A life mistake.”

“I have a few minutes before I have to be in the OR; I’m waiting on test results. So let’s grab some coffee and you can tell me about it. . . . Maybe I can help.”

Meredith found it sometimes difficult to comprehend that after years of being ignored by her mother, the unwanted daughter, it was only now that her mother had Alzheimer’s that Ellis wanted to be there for Meredith.

Of course, it no doubt helped that Ellis now saw Meredith as a colleague who merely shared a name with the five-year-old she had once actually been, not as the child at home playing who was making unwanted demands on the talented up-and-coming surgeon’s time. Or as the adult daughter Meredith actually was.

“Are you sure you don’t mind?”

“Of course not,” Ellis replied. “This is what coffee breaks with your mentor are for. It’s kind of de rigueur for surgeons to have screwed up personal lives and to confer with each other about just how screwed up they are.”

Meredith’s stomach twisted as she was reminded of her mother’s state of mind – or lack thereof. She nodded her assent.

“Well, there was this guy. We had a romance. I didn’t know he was married until his wife showed up one day from the other end of the country. She offered him a divorce, but he chose to stay with her, even though I begged him to choose me. . . .”

“But while he stayed with her, he kept flirting with me,” Meredith sat on the edge of her hospital bed, but kept her eyes down. She couldn’t even look her mother – another dirty mistress – in the eye. “Meanwhile, I sort of, against my will and my better judgment, became friends with her – the wife. Then, yesterday, I slept with him. The whole hospital knows it. She knows it. And she dumped him.”

“Do you love him?”

“Once upon a time, I thought I did. . . . I was sure I did. . . . But now,” Meredith shook her head. “What kind of man turns a woman into his dirty mistress? . . . There’s this other guy, too. After I slept with the cheater, I chose to go home instead with my date – that fabulous guy who wants to be there for me.”

“Meredith.”

“Wait. There’s one more thing. After Derek – the guy – had sex with me yesterday and practically forced me to choose between him and the new guy, and after his wife dumped him, he’s now going around the hospital talking about how miserable he is because he lost her – his wife. Not me. . . . He told lots of people, and the news has spread.”

“Meanwhile, I have to work with her – the wife – and she hates me. Not that she isn’t right. I would hate me, too. Sometimes I think I do hate me. After all, I make all the wrong choices. It’s like I don’t even want myself to be happy.”

“How pathetic am I?” Meredith finished. “Or maybe despicable’s the right word?”

“You’re not pathetic, Meredith, or despicable, at least no more than the rest of us. . . . We all make mistakes in life and in love. I – I’ve made mistakes. I think I’m probably making one now – and I just can’t help myself. . . . Sometimes you just have to play the hand you’re dealt – because you can’t help who you love, who you’re obsessed with, even if you know that he doesn’t love you the way you should be loved, even if you know that what you’re doing together is wrong, even if you know there’s someone else out there who loves you better.”

“Life,” Ellis continued, “life isn’t easy; it isn’t neat; it isn’t clean. It’s not like surgery. There are no right or wrong answers. All you can do is live with the choices you’ve made. You own them. And you deal with the consequences – both the good and the bad – however you can. And you hope you can survive the guilt for those you hurt along the way.”

“You feel guilty?” Meredith couldn’t help but seek insight into her own mother as well as herself. Did her mother feel guilty for hurting her father? For ignoring her? For Adele? What?

“Yes. I – I’m afraid my way of dealing with emotions is to pour them, and myself, into my work. I know I’m good at work. I’m smart. I’m capable. I am a fabulous surgeon. . . . it’s my refuge, my survival skill. You have to find your own way to survive – to deal. I may be a lousy person, a lousy wife, a lousy mother, a lousy friend, but I am an excellent surgeon. You can be one, too.”

“Just make a choice.”

****

“Addison. Addison.”

Derek called out to his wife as he chased her down the hallway. He finally caught up with her just outside the neonatal unit. He had had a difficult time finding the guts to come up here at all, but he had to talk to his wife.

He had to explain. Apologize. Beg.

Whatever was necessary.

“Derek,” Addison finally turned and when she saw the look in his eye, she regretted it. “I have nothing to say to you.”

Derek grabbed her arm as she turned to leave.

“Then just listen.”

“You really want to make a scene here?” The emphasis on “here” made Derek wince. “Haven’t we made enough scenes – fueled enough of this hospital’s gossip for one day – heck for one millennium?”

“You had your say last night. I let you. I think as your husband I’m entitled to one conversation.”

“Soon to be ex-husband. You’ve had your say for six months, Derek. ‘Meredith won’t be a problem.’ ‘Let it pass.’ ‘I’m working on it.’ ‘Do you want to go to the Prom?' . . . All lies. . . . So, after all that, just think how lucky you are, you no longer have to live with Satan. You no longer are obliged to pretend to have forgiven me, to care about me. You finally got what you wanted – you could have had it so much earlier, had you only been willing to tell the truth.”

Addison turned, but Derek refused to let go and she was forced to stay. He noted that they had gathered an audience, and he knew that it was more than fine -- it was necessary. It was his turn to make a fool of himself, to make a scene for her the way she had made so many for him since she had come to Seattle.

It would only be a first step, but it was necessary.

“Addison, I am sorry. I screwed up. I know that I hurt you badly; maybe I’m the only other person who can understand how badly. And I didn’t do it intentionally, but I did it. I wasn’t thinking. I was so obsessed with Meredith, with the fact that we hadn’t finished whatever it was we had and that I wasn’t ready yet to let go, that I lost sight of who I loved, who I wanted beside me for the rest of my life.”

“And I know that you hate me right now, and that you deserve to hate me,” Derek continued, “and that I deserve to be hated. But I love you. I love you, Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd. Maybe it took losing you, you walking away last night for me to realize it, but that doesn’t make it any less true. I love you. You are my soul mate. This time, I’m not giving up without a fight.”

Addison stood there speechless for a moment, unable to believe that Derek had the gall – particularly after what he had done the night before -- to declare his love for her in front of half the neonatal staff and other assorted people in the hallway. Finally, she mustered enough coherent thought to respond.

“Derek, you lost the right to love me last night. . . . This time, Dr. Shepherd, this time, I’m the sink with the open drain. So why don’t you go find your precious intern?”

“Maybe she still thinks you’re McDreamy. I know better.”

Chapter 5

"Bourbon and water, please."

Miranda Bailey looked at Addison Shepherd with concern.

"What?" The redhead returned her gaze. "After the day I've had – the week I've had – I deserve to get smashed. I made sure I wasn't on call tonight. You're here to drive me home – to your home at that. Given my emotional state, I think I'm acting very responsibly."

"A glass of Chardonnay." Miranda Bailey's only response was directed at the bartender of Toi, a hot new Seattle bar with the chief advantage of being far away from Seattle Grace. Addison had not needed to specify that she wanted her drunken night out to be far from the prying eyes of interns, nurses, etc.

"Hey. Sorry, I'm late. My last knee replacement took a turn for the complicated. . . . Damn skiers."

Addison nodded at Callie, as she took her drink from the bartender and went over to secure a table by the windows. Bailey took her drink and followed. Callie ordered a Long Island Iced Tea before joining them.

"Here," Addison said, raising her already partially consumed drink to make a toast, "is to devilishly handsome husbands who lead you on for months with promises, lies, and half-truths before sleeping with their wafer-thin blond girlfriends . . . at the ****ing Prom. . . .”

“Do you know -- I think most people get to leave behind their awful Prom experiences by the time they reach their 30s,” Addie continued. “I wonder if I could make the Guinness Book of World Records – Worst Prom Experience by a Woman in her 30s."

Miranda and Callie exchanged glances.

"What, you don't want to toast with me?" Addison asked rhetorically, taking another large sip from her glass. "You know, I really should find friends who agree with me that men are scum. Why is it that my best friend in Seattle has to be happily married to the perfect guy, and my newest friend is happily dating my nemesis's best friend – at least best male friend and roommate – who happens to be a genuinely nice guy from everything I can see? You really are the wrong crowd for this occasion."

"Tucker's hardly perfect." Bailey said, perusing the menu in search of some appetizers in a perhaps hopeless effort to dilute the alcohol going into Addison's system.

"You really want to go there, while your husband's home baby-sitting so you can take me out to get smashed?"

"Look, I don't get the fascination with Meredith Grey, either," Callie interjected, saving Bailey from the need to answer. "After what she did to George, by all rights, he should hate her. What kind of woman sleeps with a man that she knows is in *love* with her when she has no interest in him and then bursts into tears during the deed? And what kind of man forgives her for that? Worse, he expects me – the person who loves him, even though he won't say it back – to forgive her for it and to be nice to her. . . . I guess that’s the same kind of woman who sleeps with a married man at the Prom and then goes home with yet another man."

Addison took another healthy swig from her glass and then nodded at Callie.

"See, that's why I invited you. I knew you had good perspective," Addison pointed out, as Bailey took a moment to order a smorgasbord of appetizers. "Smart. Wise. Funny. . . . I like you, Callie. And I've decided that – since I'm stuck by contract in Seattle – I need friends in this city. Consider yourself drafted."

"I'm honored," Callie said. "I need friends myself. . . . I feel like everyone just looks at me like the weird ortho resident who popped up out of nowhere. . . . Had I realized Seattle Grace was like high school, I never would have transferred from Mercy West.”

“And George,” Callie continued, “I mean, he's great but he comes with this package of women I can't stand. I'm trying, but it's not like they're all that interested in being friends with me. We've worked up from loathing to grudging tolerance – but only for George's sake."

Addison took a few peanuts from the bowl already on the table and another sip from her drink before she reverted back to the main topic of conversation.

"She apologized to me today."

"Who?" Bailey asked, returning to the table.

"Meredith. . . . She said, 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sleep with your husband. I couldn't help it. But I don't really want him, so everything's OK, right?'"

"She didn't?" Callie almost gasped in horror.

"What did you tell her?" Bailey asked.

"I told her to go jump in the ocean, preferably with very heavy rocks attached to her skinny little body."

"Really?" Callie smiled at the thought.

"No. I told her she could have my husband, but not my forgiveness. Then I told her to act like a grown-up and do her job." Addison signaled the bartender for another round, and Bailey prayed for them to hurry with the food.

"Apparently your husband doesn't want her. . . . Considering the public spectacle he made of himself declaring his love for you outside the neo-natal unit," Bailey observed.

"So you heard about that, huh?"

"I am the Nazi. I know all. I see all. Even when I’m not actually present, I’m all knowing and all seeing. Ask my interns. . . . Or my husband."

"Well, I don't. So fill me in. I must have missed out while I was in surgery," Callie observed.

"All day Derek's been going around the hospital telling people how much he loves Addison. How devastated he is to have lost her. That he didn't realize his destructive course until too late. . . . As if it takes a brain surgeon to figure out that sleeping with your ex-girlfriend is not a good idea if you want to keep your marriage," Bailey relayed the gossip. "He told me. The Chief. Burke. Who knows who else? And then he decided to tell Addison."

"You are kidding me?" Callie asked rhetorically. "That man has some nerve."

"Yeah. He told me that I'm his soul mate, that he loves me, and that he wants a future with me." Addison polished off her second drink and signaled the bartender for another before continuing. "Derek doesn't have a clue what he wants. . . . No, that's not quite true. He wants whatever he doesn't have. He's the opposite of that old saying about birds and bushes. He thinks the woman he's got is always less than the one out there, just outside his grasp."

"Well, Meredith said no. Then you walked out." Callie observed. "At the moment, at least the way I see it, he doesn't have any women."

****

Derek Shepherd sat outside his trailer in a lawn chair. He had a partially consumed bottle of Jack Daniels and an unopened bag of pretzels.

He was a wood-chopping, flannel-wearing fisherman alone in his refuge.

Which – when one didn't choose to be there alone – was not so much of a refuge.

More of a prison. An emotional prison, where he was tortured with memories.

Everywhere he looked around his so-called refuge he saw Addison.

She had been sitting right in this very spot the night she told him that if he wasn't done hurting her, she would have to order a thicker skin. The night they had "ripped the stitches." Had found solace in each other again for the first time in eons.

In this trailer, they had laughed together – like on the morning of the boring sex. Then he had ravaged her that night in the shower.

They had fought – like when Addison yelled at him for cooking trout in the house.

They had cried – like the night after Mark had come to town.

Now, no matter where he looked Derek saw Addison, as he had been unable to see her while she was actually present.

He saw her patience. He saw her courage. He saw her love.

Derek wanted his Addie back.

His words rang in his ear – in her voice as she had repeated them to him today.

"Meredith won't be a problem," Derek had assured the therapist.

"I'm working on it," Derek had promised Addison while lying on their bed in the trailer.

"Do you want to go to the Prom?" Derek had asked her at the hospital when she was looking for reassurance about their marriage.

"All lies." Addison had pronounced. Three promises that his wife believed were lies. And, to be fair, history supported her.

She was right, Derek thought to himself as he continued to drain the Jack Daniels, and she was wrong.

Those particular statements – Derek hadn't meant them to be lies. He had intended to work things out with his wife. He just gotten sidetracked, obsessed with Meredith, obsessed with what could have been with a fresh start with someone else. Jealous and insane and delusional.

But now, now that Addie was gone, he realized just how hollow his relationship with Meredith was.

When he placed the two failed relationships side by side, it was clear that Meredith was a knock-off, a pale imitation of Addison. Ten years younger and blonder and less self-confident, but otherwise a flawed copy of the Addison he had fallen for a long, long time ago. Their relationship – could it even really be called a relationship? – lacked the depth and gravitas that came from being together for a decade and a half.

It wasn’t that Meredith and Derek didn’t have potential, it was that they had nothing but potential.

And how could potential stack up against the memories –the life – he shared with Addison? He had explained it all to Meredith back when he refused to sign the divorce papers. Addison was his wife; she was his family; she was 12 years of shared memories, both the good and the bad; Addie was the one who knew him better than he knew himself. His life and love with Addison had texture, the wrinkles and folds and flaws that came from a life lived together.

But then he had promptly forgotten every word he said. How he had felt when faced with the divorce papers, with the prospect of truly having a life without Addie.

Derek blinked sleepily when he realized that he had almost emptied the bottle of Jack. Then, he shrugged. He wasn’t on call, and at this point, what’s done was done.

He fell asleep, still outside on the lawn chair, dreaming of ways to convince Addison that he had finally remembered. That he saw her.

That Derek loved Addie.

***

“Hey, George. Where’s Callie?”

Meredith was standing at the island as Finn worked at the stove, when she called out that greeting to her roommate.

“She’s out for drinks with friends. How’s Izzie?”

“The same. She’s lying there in a flannel shirt that must have been Denny’s. I tried to talk to her, to convince her to come downstairs, but she just grunted. Maybe you’ll have better luck. . . . Finn’s a great cook, so I thought maybe good smells and good food would tempt her. She needs food – and a shower.”

“Hey Finn.” George could not believe that Meredith was just going on with Finn, pretending that nothing had happened with McNightmare at the Prom the night before.

“Hey George.”

George grabbed a beer. “I’ll wait until the food’s ready and then take some up to Izzie.”

“What are we going to do to get her reinstated? I mean, we can’t let her just quit.”

“I don’t know,” George admitted that while Meredith was an unbelievably lousy love interest, she could be a good friend. “I mean, she confessed so I’m not sure if they’d even let her back into the surgery program. What she did – it could have cost the hospital its transplant accreditation.”

“What about another program?”

“Maybe we could persuade Addison – I mean maybe some of us could persuade Addison Montgomery to go to bat for her in obstetrics and gynecology.”

“Is Addison Montgomery the same person as Addison Shepherd?” Finn asked. “Because she seems like a kind and reasonable person, the kind who would help Izzie.”

Finn watched George and Meredith exchange a long look. He had thought there had been something weird in recent days about the relationship between Meredith and Derek Shepherd and he couldn’t help but wonder about the name change. It was one thing for her to be scary and damaged – another for her to be deliberately deceitful.

“Yeah, they’re the same person. Montgomery was her name before she married Derek Shepherd,” George interjected. “She liked working with Izzie, offered a long time ago to teach her – of course, that was before all this craziness. . . . Obviously you can’t, so I’ll talk to her tomorrow if we can’t get Izzie to get up to deal with her life herself. Or maybe I’ll see what Callie thinks, since she and Bailey and Montgomery are all friendly.”

“Thanks, George.” He nodded and took the two plates of food that Finn had put on a tray and left the room.

“Why can’t you talk to Addison? . . . I think it’s time for you to be straight with me.”

***

“So George says, 'I’m not going to tell you that I love you now, because then I’d just be saying it to say it, because you said it first. . . . When I say it, I want to mean it.'”

“Awww.” Addison sighed, and even Bailey cracked a smile at the thought that she had at least one good intern. “That’s a good man. . . . I mean, I know that hurts now, but in the long run, once he says it, you’ll be happy you know he means it.“

“Why can’t I find a man like that?” Addie continued. “Why do I have to love Derek?”

“Do you still?” Callie asked.

Addison lay her head on the table, to see if it would make the room stop spinning. She had long since stopped counting her drinks and she was feeling no pain, but a bit of dizziness.

“Yes. . . . Don’t you think I’ve tried to stop? I hate women like me – women who stand by their man while he treats them like crap. I saw the signs. I saw Derek and Meredith flirting in the elevator every other minute. I knew they were taking walks with Doc. I knew. I just lived in denial. Derek enabled my denial a little, gave me just enough false hope to maintain my happy little delusional world where Derek loved me and was just friends with Meredith.”

“Yet even now, even given what he pulled yesterday, I can’t help it. . . . I love him. I hate him, and I don’t forgive him, but I love him. . . . I’ve loved him for 15 years, and I just don’t know how to stop. I think about who I want to be with 10 years from now, and I imagine Derek there. I know it’s not going to happen, but that doesn’t stop it from being my dream, doesn’t stop Derek McJerk Shepherd from being the love of my life.”

“Maybe it’ll pass.” Bailey observed.

“I don’t think so,” Addie raised her head to shake it, but regretted the motion. “Don’t you think if my love for Derek could go away it would have done so already? It’s not like I was as blind as I pretended to be. You all saw me melt down at the hospital. And yesterday was pretty dramatic – that should have broken my love as well as my heart. But I’m just going to have to find a way to live without love. Because anyone else would be a poor substitute – I’ll just be one of those people whose career is her life. I’ll get a cat.”

“There was a part of me today, when I listened to him make that speech in front of half the hospital, that wanted to forgive him instantly, to take him in my arms and take him back, and love him forever. I didn’t. I know better. But that doesn’t mean it was easy.”

“Why do you love him?” Callie asked.

“Why is the sky blue? Why am I drunk as a skunk? Some things just are. I love Derek. The sky is blue. And I am drunk. These are facts,” Addie laughed at her own drunken logic. “I realize that he doesn’t love me. And I realize that he doesn’t treat me well anymore. I know all these things in my head.”

“But in my heart, in my dreams, Derek is still that man who loved me when I was the redheaded nerd starting med school, who magically appeared with a latte whenever I needed one during our residencies, and who was standing at the end of that aisle when I walked down it and pledged to love and honor and cherish him forever.”

“Don’t tell him, but even as angry and as hurt and as wrecked as I am, I don’t know how to break that particular vow.”

The Real Dr. House

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 05:55:34 GMT

Well, I'm branching out of Grey's Anatomy fanfic and into another realm. I've really fallen for House and Cuddy, and so here's my first glimmer of fanfic in that fandom. I'm not entirely happy with it, but I wanted to do something after last night's episode. The usual disclaimer is that of course I do not own the characters and greatly appreciate and respect those who do. I hope they don't mind if I borrow them and return them gently used.

For his first day back at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, Cuddy scheduled House for eight hours of clinic.

She waited impatiently for Brenda to arrive in her office and tell her House had skipped out/was watching soap operas/had insulted a mother of three’s ability to care for her offspring.

She was waiting, she admitted to herself, to go yell at him. She had a lot of anger built up.

Brenda never arrived.

On House’s second day at PPTH, the Diagnostic Department handled three cases simultaneously.

A coma patient transferred from NYU woke up after the Diagnostics Department found an aneurysm seven other doctors had missed hiding behind the left eye. A patient with what appeared to be an incurable flu was diagnosed with a rare disease from Africa making its first appearance in the United States to the CDC’s great consternation. And a baby was found to have Adams-Oliver syndrome.

Three cases. One day. House.

On House’s third day back at PPTH, Cuddy heard through the grapevine that House had apologized to Chase. She also heard that he did more than his scheduled clinic hours without complaint and without breaking for General Hospital. Even after a four-year-old puked green jello on him.

On House’s fourth day back at PPTH, Cuddy found an envelope addressed to her on her desk. The check inside was made out to the hospital from one Mrs. Clara P. Lavelle in the amount of $300,000.

“Dear Dr. Cuddy,” the attached note began. “The charming Dr. House told me all about the good work being done at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. I felt it was my duty to help support the research and teaching. Dr. House assured me that you would make sure that my contribution was put to good use. Sincerely, Clara P. Lavelle.”

On House’s fifth day back, Cuddy found herself staring across her desk at Foreman, Chase and Cameron.

“He’s just not House,” Cameron complained. “He brought us all coffee this morning,” Foreman added.

“Enjoy it while it lasts,” Cuddy responded, but she could not help the gnawing in the pit of her stomach.

That was before she heard that House bought Wilson lunch.

On House’s sixth day back at PPTH, Cuddy ran into him in the elevator.

“You look really beautiful today, Lisa,” she heard. Not one comment about funbags or prostituting herself for the hospital. He called her Lisa.

When she got to her office, she closed her door, put her head down on the desk, and cried.

On House’s seventh day back at PPTH, he was politely dismissive to a pediatrician who interfered in his treatment of the seven-year-old she had misdiagnosed.

Until several hours into the case when the pediatrician stopped two of the tests that House ordered because she thought they were too painful for a child to experience.

“You are an idiot, Dr. Samuels,” House proclaimed loudly in the middle of the hallway, his voice drawing the attention of everyone in the vicinity. “You screwed up and now you won’t let us fix your mistake. You either let me perform these tests, which might hurt a little now but will let me diagnose what’s really wrong. Or you explain to her parents why they’re burying her tomorrow.”

There was silence as the staff of PPTH took in the scene.

“Dr. House, that’s enough,” Cuddy stepped in before the pediatrician could respond, careful to keep the glee out of her voice. “Go treat your patient.”

House hesitated. "Cuddy," he started.

“Now,” her tone was commanding. “Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, your most supreme worship and queen of the realm,” House replied, gesturing to Chase to go do as directed. “Your humble servant hears and obeys.” As he walked passed her, he added softly, “After all, my ass is yours.”

Cuddy could not keep from smiling as she returned to her office.

The real Dr. House was on his way back.

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 03:58:02 GMT

Thanks for the comments. As the Karma continues.....

Chapter 3

"Yesterday I believe I called you honorable, Derek. . . . Consider that a mistake."

"Excuse me?" Derek turned and looked at the Chief, his mentor.

He couldn't handle this now. His life was falling apart. He still wasn't sure if Burke was going to be OK.

He just couldn't handle this.

"You heard me, Derek. . . . You may be a remarkable surgeon, possibly the best neurosurgeon I've had the pleasure of working with. But as a man, you clearly leave something to be desired. . . . How could you have listened to what I confided in you yesterday about my own life and then turn around and do what you did to Addison?"

"Chief," Derek needed to run, to escape this converation. "My relationship with my wife is none of your business. And, if you'll excuse me, I need to go check on my patient."

"There is no excuse, Derek," the Chief's tone stopped Derek in his tracks. "It was one thing when you first came to Seattle. . . . I didn't approve of you cavorting with an intern, not telling her you were married and messed up, but I let it go. I knew you were hurting and I let it go. . . . But this . . . . Addison is like a daughter to me. . . . I'm just glad that she has the good sense to divorce you."

"What? . . .What do you know?"

"I know that half the hospital saw you chase Meredith into an exam room during my niece's Prom. . . . I know that Addison told everyone this morning to call her Dr. Montgomery and that she had dumped you. . . . It doesn't take a brain surgeon to put two and two together. I told you yesterday how I hurt my wife -- how I regretted it, and you went ahead and did exactly what I did. Worse, you flaunted it."

"It wasn't like that," Derek took a seat on the nearest bench and put his head down in his hands. "Chief, I screwed up. I screwed up so badly. I got so obsessed with Meredith that I just lost my mind last night -- and now I've lost Addison and I've realized that I made the biggest mistake. . . . Meredith picked Finn, and after what we had just done, you'd think that should be what I was upset about. But it's not. I sat there in the trailer last night after Addie packed her bags and left, and I couldn't sleep. All I could think about was Addison. How much I do love her. How much I need her. How badly I screwed up. . . . I've got to convince her to give me another chance."

"Why would she want to do that? You've been systematically destroying your wife since the day she first set foot in this hospital. Last night was just the final straw."

"I don't deny it, Chief. I've been a lousy husband to Addie. I was lousy to her in New York, which was why she turned to Mark in the first place. And I've been even worse here. And maybe . . . maybe it took me hitting rock bottom last night, but I realized, I realized that Addison is everything to me."

"Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you left her alone on the dance floor."

With that parting shot, the Chief left Derek alone on the bench.

*****

"So spill."

Meredith looked at Christina, who was flanked by George and Alex. They had hunted her down in the interns locker room, where she had been sitting on the floor, systematically banging her head back against the lockers.

"Do you think brain damage would be sufficient to get me off Addison's case? . . . If I just bang a little harder...."

"You are not going to get brain damage," Yang said in her typical brusque style. "And considering Bailey is Addison's best friend, you are only getting off the case if Addison wants you off the case. . . . Maybe you'll get lucky. But Bailey's not going to be doing any of the four of us any favors after yesterday."

"I'm pretty sure Addison would prefer me buried in a shallow grave somewhere."

"I'm confused," George interjected. "Because you came home to take care of Izzie with Finn last night. . . . So what happened before that?"

"Since I started dating Finn, Derek's been jealous. . . . He has no right, but he has been. . . . He called me a whore. . . . And he was dancing with Addison last night, but he was staring at us, and I had to leave. And he came after me."

"And?" Christina prompted.

"You know. . . ."

"You had sex," Alex stated the obvious.

"In an exam room. . . . Just down the hall from the Prom."

"And then Callie found us when the whole thing happened with Denny. . . . And at the end of the night, when we were leaving, there was this standoff. Derek was staring at me. Finn was staring at me. I chose Finn."

"Let me get this straight," George said, a note of disbelief clearly evident in his voice. "You ditched your date, who seems like a great guy, went and had sex with Derek Shepherd, who had just called you a whore, right down the hall from where his wife was -- were you trying to prove him right? -- and then you chose your date." George walked toward the locker room door. "You really are a piece of work, Meredith."

Meredith put her head down between her knees, as Alex followed George out of the room.

"They don't even know the worst part."

"Which is?" Christina asked.

"Not even 24 hours earlier I had assured Addison that I was not in fact sleeping with her husband."

*****

"So, Preston, this is really just a big ruse on your part to get us all to bring you presents, isn't it?"

Burke smiled at Addison as she walked into his room with two wrapped packages.

"You know, you didn't need to do this."

"If friends don't visit friends cooped up in hospital beds in the very hospital where they work, then how can they be considered friends?"

"Can you say that five times real fast?"

"No." Addison forced a smile. Preston had enough to deal with; she had come by to cheer him up, not to bring him down. "So open your presents."

Preston did as he was told, and Addie watched him, checking his hands, their mobility and control. She wasn't a neurosurgeon, but she'd been married to one for long enough to know what to look for. She caught the faint trembles and worried.

Preston smiled as he found the latest Elmore Leonard novel and a CD of jazz trumpet.

"Thanks. I need something to keep my mind occupied in here. I don't want to think about those interns killing my patients." Then, he frowned as he realized what he'd said.

Addison picked up on it. "I'm so sorry about Denny."

"I just . . . . I feel guilty for not being there for him. We'd been through so much together. And Stevens must be a wreck."

"She is. She quit the program."

"That's what Christina said. Is that going to stick?"

"I have no idea. I don't know if they want her back, given what she did."

"Christina told me something else," Preston paused. "That you dumped Derek."

"News travels fast in this hospital. It's true."

"Should I ask?"

"No," Addie shook her head. "Just be grateful for what you have with Christina. . . . Don't ever take it for granted. . . . But speaking of Derek, I'm going to bail out of here before he comes to check on you. I really don't want to see him."

"I understand. . . . I can't believe with everything you have going on that you took time to shop for me."

"That what friends are for," Addie smiled. "Gifts, and Dionne Warwick songs."

As Addie was just about to walk through the door, she turned. "Just because Derek's a lousy husband for me doesn't mean he's not a great doctor for you. . . . Tell him about the trembles or I will."

*****

"You paged me. I assume you got the test results."

"They're right here." Meredith handed them over, and then stared at the ground as Addison looked them over.

"We're going to have to operate. Book the OR, and I'll go break the news to our patient."

Meredith took a deep breath for courage.

"Addison."

"Yes?"

"I'm so sorry. . . . I didn't mean for this to happen."

"Apology not accepted, Meredith," Addison's voice was smooth as silk and controlled. "You may have my husband, but you do not get my forgiveness. I'm sure you'll have no trouble living with that since you did **** him just down the hall from where I was standing."

"I don't have him. I don't want him. . . . I didn't want to ruin your marriage. I was moving on. . . . It just -- it just happened. I couldn't help it."

"That excuse works for five-year-olds, not for grown adults. At least when I made my mistake with Mark, I owned it. It was my mistake. There were reasons, but ultimately it was my decision, as bad as it was. I didn't say that I couldn't help it. . . . I took being called Satan by Derek and by you and your sanctimonious intern buddies, and I asked my husband for forgiveness, which he promised -- but, oh, wait, that was all a lie. I forgot for a moment there. I guess anything goes since I cheated first, right? . . . Besides, do you really think it's any better for me that you went ahead and slept with my husband and then chose the vet?"

Meredith had tears running down her face.

"Go wash your face and then go book the OR," Addison directed as she turned and walked away. She needed a moment to collect herself before she went to see her patient.

******

"Dr. Shepherd, you look like crap."

"Thank you, Dr. Bailey. I always appreciate your refreshing honesty." Derek was sitting in a corner of the cafeteria, an empty cup that once held coffee in front of him. Bailey's observation was an understatement.

"It's hard to beat up on people who look like crap -- even when they deserve it. It takes all the fun right out of it."

"I can give you a raincheck, but I can't promise to look any better in the near future."

"Still getting over Grey's choice of the vet?"

"No," Derek shook his head for emphasis. "I've realized how badly I screwed up with Addison."

Bailey's expression turned puzzled.

"You asked her to the Prom then slept with your mistress at the dance. . . . What exactly did you think was going to happen? And do you mean to tell me that after all that, you claim to care two bits about Addison?"

"There's nothing you can say to me, Miranda, that I haven't already said to myself a thousand times over. I was so obsessed with Meredith that I never saw Addison. . . . And, now that she's gone, Addison is all I can think about. What I felt for Meredith was nothing like the love I feel for Addison."

"How could I have been so stupid? How am I going to live without her?"

Karma the Beginning

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 03:17:40 GMT

So Karma is my other multi-chapter saga that has been ongoing for a while but I'm just starting to post here. Once upon a time I thought of it as a summer project, one that would end before the third season started. But, as usual, I was just deluding myself. So anyway, for those who are interested, here are the first two chapters. For the record, I still don't own these characters, sadly for me.

Chapter 1:

***

Meredith stood there looking at Finn, then at Derek, then at Finn again.

Two gorgeous men in suits.

One was making plans.

Finn saw her, saw that she was damaged and broken, and he didn’t care. He was helping to fix her.

Although he might terminate those plans if he knew that she had just ****ed Derek Shepherd while he, Finn, was chatting with Addison at the freakin’ Prom.

Finn was a good man.

A kind man.

He probably never contemplated cheating on his wife. He had been devastated by losing the woman he loved.

Finn was fixing her. He was making plans.

And then there was the other man.

The man who had just hunted her down as she ran from the dance floor. The man who had raw crazy passionate sex with her.

What she did with Derek – it was passionate; it was crazed; but it couldn’t be called making love.

Obsession, maybe.

The man who had lied to her for months.

The man who had a wife. Addison. Who had been talking with Finn while she, Meredith, had been ****ing her husband down the hall. Addison, who was just over there now talking to the Chief, while her husband gave her a not-quite-silent ultimatum, a plea to choose him over Finn.

The man who was crazy with wanting Meredith, but had yet to tell his wife – Addison - that it was over.

What kind of man was that?

Time stood still, as both men stared at her.

And then she walked over to Finn.

Today was a day for endings.

She had buried her dog.

She had ****ed Derek. One last time for old time’s sake, she guessed. To shoot the elephant.

It was time for a new beginning.

She didn’t look back.

She could feel the eyes burning holes in her back.

But she didn’t look back.

***

When Derek finally recovered his senses enough to look around, he realized most everyone was gone.

Meredith and Finn, of course. Stevens, Karev and O’Malley before them. Most of the nurses and doctors. The Chief and Adele. Bailey. Some back to work. Some home to sleep.

And his wife was gone, too.

He didn’t know where or when.

So he walked by Burke’s room one more time, saw that he was with Christina, and decided not to disturb them.

So, not knowing where else to go, what else to do, Derek headed back to the trailer.

Addison’s car was parked outside.

When he entered the trailer, he threw down his keys and his jacket.

And then he saw Addie.

Still dressed in that gorgeous red Prom dress, Addison was being industrious.

She had pulled out her suitcases; she was packing her bags. She was working quickly, efficiently. Folding things. Packing things.

Neat and systematic.

It wasn’t until she looked up that he saw the tears.

They were crawling down her face, although she made no noise. She could keep everything in, except the drops of moisture leaving tracks down her beautiful face.

His stomach twisted.

“What’s going on?”

“You win, Derek.”

“Excuse me.”

“I said, you win,” she wiped away the newest tears but kept the tone of her voice perfectly calm, controlled. “I clearly missed out on the rules of the game, but whatever the heck they were -- you win.”

“Addison, I’m tired. . . . And I have no idea what you are talking about.”

“I’m talking about you leaving me on the dance floor and going and having sex with your girlfriend. . . . If you wanted revenge, if you wanted to hurt me as much – no, more – than I hurt you, then congratulations. . . . Mission accomplished.”

Derek was silent.

“Thank you. Thank you for not bothering to deny it. . . . Thank you for leaving me that tiny, almost nonexistent shred of dignity.”

Addison kept packing, moving from the closet to the suitcase and back again.

“Addie.”

“Don’t.” Her tone was firm. “Don’t Addie me. . . .”

“Did you both have a laugh? Stupid Addison. . . . She already humiliated herself yesterday in front of the whole hospital by being jealous and crazed. . . . Let’s see what we can do to finish her off.”

“Addie, it wasn’t like that.”

“Really? Really? . . . So what was it like? . . . Never mind. Don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. I don’t think I can handle it. There aren’t enough pieces of me left to handle it. . . . You win, Derek. I’m done. I’ll have new divorce papers drawn up and delivered to your attorney. . . .”

“Addison.”

A tone of desperation entered Derek’s voice as he realized what he had done, as he watched the big gaping wound that was Addison attempt to hold it together as she packed her bags and departed his life.

“No. . . . Mark loved me. He chose me. He wooed me -- especially after you walked away without one single, solitary word. And I stayed with him for a while in New York after you’d fled. So, yes, Derek, I was guilty of my own crimes against our marriage. . . .”

“But my heart – my stupid, stupid, naively stupid heart – still loved you. Even after you’d been absent and ignored me for months, years. Even after you walked away without a word.”

“So I came out here. And I gave you a choice. You could sign the divorce papers and keep your intern; or we could fight for us. . . .”

“And what did you do? You gave me a lie. . . . The cruelest lie of all. You made me believe you wanted me, too, eventually that you had forgiven me, too, that we had a future, that maybe you still loved me. . . . And then you destroyed me.. . . ”

Derek stood there speechless as she walked to the door, suitcase in hand.

“Congratulations, Derek. You got your revenge. . . . You broke me. . . . And now I’m done. There’s simply nothing left – there’s nothing left of me.”

And Derek watched, still silent, as Addison took her suitcase to the car. He heard it start up and heard her drive away. Away from the trailer. Away from him.

Derek looked around the trailer. No dog. No wife.

And he finally realized what he had done.

Derek Shepherd was alone.

Chapter 2:

Derek Shepherd had had a terrible, rotten, horrible, no good night.

First, his dog died. Doc was a good dog. He did nothing to hurt anyone – except maybe O’Malley. Nothing to deserve cancer. Nothing to deserve death.

Then, Derek had sex with his girlfriend in an exam room, while his wife was down the hall at the Prom.

He felt compelled to do it. Between losing Doc – his and Meredith’s link -- and watching her with Finn Dandridge, he just went crazy at the prospect of finally losing her for real. He had to have her then and there. He threw caution and common sense and the fact that he was married to the wind and had extremely passionate sex with Meredith.

Then Meredith left with Finn anyway.

He couldn’t really blame her. One the one hand there was a genuinely nice good guy; on the other, there was him. The guy who forgot to mention he was married and then picked his wife over her. It was unclear what he could even offer her on Prom night, since he was still married.

Worse than losing Meredith, he lost his self-respect.

His actions had punctured his own belief that he was a good guy.

He was a bastard, and really there was nothing else to do but admit it.

What kind of man invites his wife to a Prom and then screws his girlfriend down the hall?

Then, Addison left him.

He walked through the door of the trailer and saw the devastation he had wreaked upon Addie and he had never felt so terrible in his life.

It dwarfed what he had done to Meredith months earlier when he let her get taken by surprise by Addison’s arrival.

He had devastated his wife. The same way she had devastated him back in New York. So he knew not just what it looked like from the outside, but what the utter devastation felt like on the inside.

And when he tried to tell himself that she had done it first, when she slept with Mark back in New York, the justification rang hollow.

Because Addison had slept with Mark, had had an affair with Mark, out of desperation, because he was absent. It was wrong, but it was partly his fault as well. She had apologized and suffered his slings and arrows ever since, his unending willingness to make her serve penance. She had taken it all, because she loved him. She was fighting for what they had lost.

Addison was present – she was waging a one-woman war to save their marriage.

And Derek had sex with Meredith. Gave a silent but all too real ultimatum to Meredith.

He had wrecked his wife.

Derek had only just begun to realize the consequences of his actions when Addison walked out the door with her suitcases.

But as Derek stood in the middle of the trailer that had once been his refuge, all he could see was Addison.

He looked at the bed where he had held her every night for six months. How could he sleep there now?

He looked at the kitchen where she had yelled at him about cooking trout in the trailer.

He looked at the shower stall where they had come together in a wild passionate frenzy of hot, non-boring sex.

He looked outside and saw her playing with Doc.

Not only had Derek wrecked his wife, but he had wrecked his life.

And only then, standing alone in the trailer that had once been his refuge, surrounded by memories of Addison, did he begin to appreciate once again the amazingly strong, beautiful woman he had demolished with his obsession.

He had come so close to losing her twice before -- when he was absent and she turned to Mark, and when he almost signed the divorce papers.

This time he had pushed his wife over the edge of the cliff.

But it was Derek who had crashed alone on the rocks below.

****

“You paged me.”

Miranda Bailey and her four remaining interns – Karev, Yang, O’Malley and Grey – were with a woman who appeared to be five months pregnant when Addison walked through the door to the exam room.

“Grey.”

Meredith started at Bailey’s call to attention.

Meredith simply could not look at Addison, so she just started talking.

She had been dreading the moment when she would have to look at Addison since the instant she was assigned to this case. She was procrastinating the inevitable, and she would do it as long as she could.

“This is Sara Reynolds. She’s 34, in her twenty-first week of pregnancy and she fainted after having severe pains in her abdominal area. We’ve ordered standard bloodwork.”

“Ms. Reynolds, I’m Addison Montgomery.”

“Wait, I’m confused.”

Sara Reynolds gestured in the direction of the other doctors, though Addison wasn’t sure which.

Addison noted that four of the five of them had forgotten the patient in the room and were staring at her, although Meredith was still staring down at the patient’s bed.

“Earlier she said she called Dr. Shepherd, said she was the best. . . . I want the best – that Dr. Shepherd. ”

“I am the best,” Addison smiled, using her most reassuringly tone with her patient. “But when I dumped my lying bastard of a spouse last night, I also decided to dump his name and reclaim my own. . . . But I promise you that my name change and my personal life will have no effect whatsoever on my ability to treat you.”

Addison silently observed that her life was like a really badly acted sitcom.

With the words “dumped my lying bastard of a spouse,” four heads swiveled in unison to stare at Meredith Grey, who kept her gaze downward. Then, even the patient turned and looked at Meredith.

Meanwhile, Addison was proud of herself. Thanks to a skilled makeup job and a stiff upper lip, no one could see her the physical effects of her emotional wreckage.

It didn’t mean the devastation wasn’t there, but she was damn tired of being the pitiable, long-suffering wife looking the other way. Yes, she had cheated, but she had apologized and she had fought. But Derek had given her false hope over and over and over before he chose Meredith Grey last night.

She was done. If she had to fix herself, fix what Derek broke, she was doing it on her own terms.

“You dumped Dr. Shepherd?”

“O’Malley.” Bailey’s voice was firm and brooked no nonsense.

“It’s OK, Miranda. Might as well get it all out there once so I don’t have to go through it a thousand times today and subject other patients to this. . . . Yes. I dumped Derek. I’m having my lawyer draw up the papers, hopefully as we speak. . . . ” Silently she added to herself, “He’s all yours, Meredith,” before forcing her mind back to the situation at hand.

“Now, Ms. Reynolds, now that you’ve helped me take care of informing the hospital gossip mill, we can put my disaster of a personal life aside and focus on what’s really important – you and your baby. . . . And I promise you, I am the best.”

With that, Addison grabbed the ultrasound machine and began doing her job. She could still feel four of the five doctors in the room watching her and watching Meredith, but she was not going to let them break her.

Meredith Grey would have to fend for herself.

****

When Addison left the room, Miranda came after her and pulled her into an on call room.

“Are you OK?”

“The short story – yesterday my husband thrilled me by inviting me to the Prom where he proceeded to sleep with Meredith Grey. Needless to say, it was even worse than talking Star Wars at my high school Prom. . . . Anyway, the point is -- I’m done.”

“What can I do? . . . I’ll take her off your cases.”

“No. I’m not letting this affect my professional life. . . . I have to tell you, what you just did means so much. It means so much to know that I have a real friend here, someone who actually cares about me. . . . Because when I moved to Seattle, it felt like everyone was on Meredith’s side and no one cared about me,” Addison wiped away the tears that came unbidden to her eyes. “I can’t talk about it anymore, because I’m not going to let anyone here see me at anything less than 100 percent.”

“OK. I’ll talk to Tucker, because you’re coming home with me tonight. You can stay with us until you find a place. . . .”

“Miranda, no, I’m fine at the hotel.”

“Forget it, Addison. I’ve made up my mind,” Bailey gave Addison her infamous stare until she nodded her agreement. “And tonight, we’ll make Tucker watch the baby and we’ll drown our sorrows in alcohol. . . . This weekend, we’ll help you house hunt.”

“That sounds like the best offer I’ve had all day.”

****

Needless to say, Derek Shepherd was not in a good frame of mind when he walked through the doors of Seattle Grace. He looked about how he felt, as if he hadn’t slept and he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

He needed to check on Burke, he needed to . . . he didn’t even know what else he needed to do.

He needed to talk to Addison if he could find the courage.

From the moment he walked through the door, he could feel something was up. He saw doctors, nurses, orderlies, even paramedics giving him the evil eye.

And then he saw the Chief, who approached him in the middle of the lobby, his face grim. Derek was sure that something had happened to Burke.

“Yesterday I believe I called you honorable, Derek. . . . Consider that a mistake.”

The last actually written chapter

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 01:24:30 GMT

I promise I have not let C&F go; it's just gotten sidetracked by my various other stories. Like Karma, which I also have to start posting here because apparently the first thread disappeared from The Incision, which makes the new chapters somewhat confusing. Anyway, hope everyone is surviving the holidays.

Chapter 30:

The Shepherds had made peace with the fact that their first night back was going to stretch into their first day back at Seattle Grace Hospital. The emergencies from the bus crash – and other assorted causes – had kept on coming through the night and, while the night had been a good one in terms of surgical batting averages, the couple was exhausted.

So, still wearing scrubs at 6 a.m. after Derek polished off his last surgery, they appropriated one of the on-call rooms.

Derek laid down on his back on the bed and Addison laid down with him, her head pillowed on his chest. They had left word with various recovery and NICU nurses in case they were needed; otherwise, they needed to get a few minutes of shut-eye.

Addison felt herself start to drift off almost as soon as she put her head on Derek’s chest. She could feel his heart beat, and the sound was soothing.

“Addie,” Derek whispered, pulling her reluctantly back from the verge of unconciousness.

“Yes?"

“Two things,” he continued, his voice still a whisper. He waited ‘til he felt her nod against his chest before he continued. “First, I want to make clear now that that we’re back at Seattle Grace that I still love you, I still adore you, and I still need you.”

At that, Addison found the energy to raise her head and capture her husband’s lips with her own in a brief kiss of affirmation. As she pulled away, she raised an eyebrow and said, “And second?”

“Second is that I’m too tired to act on it right at this minute, but I want to make very clear how utterly gorgeous and sexy you look in those salmon scrubs. So you better watch out later.”

She smiled and put her head down.

“I’ll worry about that particular problem once we’ve gotten some sleep,” she whispered, as both of their eyes closed.

****

The slumbering couple was awakened a scant 45 minutes later by a knock on the door.

“Go away,” Derek yelled.

The knock came again. Derek groaned.

Addison sat up as she yelled, “Come in.”

“I’m really sorry, Addison,” Izzie said, “but there’s another emergency coming in. Transfer from Mercy West. Referral from Dr. Chang there, because the woman is seven-months pregnant with twins and apparently they didn’t catch it earlier but the babies are conjoined.”

Addison was frowning. “What do you mean they didn’t catch it earlier? How does one miss that?”

“I don’t know. But I spoke to Dr. Chang and she said that the mother is panicked and that she thought it best to send her directly here.”

“Is there some reason that this is an emergency? The mother’s not in labor, is she?”

“Not that I know of. I think it was the mother’s reaction to the news that made it an emergency. I got the impression Dr. Chang was afraid that the mother’s panic would send her into labor, and she thought that you would be able to reassure her and prevent that. Anyway, the patient should be here soon, but I had her messenger over the records asap and they just arrived.”

“Good job, Izzie. Let’s go take a look.”

As Addison turned to leave with Izzie, Derek grabbed her by the wrist and spun her back around. “Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?”

Addison looked at him puzzled.

Derek leaned forward and kissed the puzzlement off of her face. She smiled and he smiled back.

“Good morning, Dr. Shepherd.”

Addison leaned in and gave him one more kiss.

“Good morning, Dr. Shepherd. See you later.”

As Addison left the on-call room with Izzie, Derek smiled a self-satisfied smile, a smirk if he was being honest, and then he pulled out his blackberry and set the alarm to insure that he did not forget to kiss Addison within the next 12 hours. Then, he laid down on the bed and tried to catch a few more minutes of shut-eye.

***

It was several hours later before Addison next had the opportunity to sit down. She had spent the morning calming down and then examining the records of her new patient. Addison had kept Izzie on the case and ordered her to run a bunch of tests and otherwise to keep the patient as calm as possible.

Meanwhile, Addie had also checked on the other mothers and babies in her care after the bus accident. During rounds, O’Malley had pointed to some irregularlities in the test results for one of the preemies Susan had delivered over the weekend, and after conferring with Susan she had been forced to schedule a procedure for that afternoon to rectify the problem. Given his eagle eyes in spotting the problem, she had told O’Malley he could assist.

But first, she was grabbing some lunch. After paying, she surveyed the cafeteria. Seeing no one she was dying to sit with, she grabbed a table on her own. She was just contemplating her first forkful of salad when another tray joined hers on the table. She looked up to see Miranda Bailey.

She smiled.

Bailey gave Addison her fiercest glare.

“You do realize that only works on your interns and the Chief?”

“It works on your husband, too.”

“That’s true.”

“So, welcome back,” Bailey took a seat. “And spill.”

“Spill what?”

“Don’t give me that BS, Addison Montgomery-Shepherd. How was Victoria? How are things in Shepherd-land?”

“Victoria was fabulous. Thank you so much for the recommendations that you gave Derek. The lighthouse and the B&B were both fabulous,” Addison’s smile was involuntarily radiant, and seeing it made Bailey smile as well. “And things with Derek, well, they are even more fabulous.”

“Spill. . . . “ Bailey noticed the gleam in Addie’s eye. “But keep it G-rated. I’ve got to eat.”

Addison laughed. “He forgave me. He really forgave me. We talked, for the first time in ages, about everything. About Mark. And Meredith. And how we really do want to rebuild our life together. . . . For the first time in so long, I know that my husband sees me, and he loves me. . . . We privately renewed our wedding vows.”

“Awww,” Bailey couldn’t help herself as the sigh escaped. “Damn, now see what you’ve done. You’ve made me act like a mushy girl.”

“Don’t worry, Miranda. It’ll be our little secret.”

“What will be your little secret?” Derek asked, coming up and taking the third seat at the table, leaning over and kissing his wife on the cheek.

“I hear tell you done good,” Bailey told him. “You’d better keep it up.”

As Addie laughed and Derek looked nervous, the table didn’t realize – although they probably should have – that they were the object of scrutiny by the interns across the room.

“Guess the weekend away did wonders. Can you even remember what it feels like to have four days off in a row?” George asked, still looking at Bailey and Montgomery-Shepherd laughing together, apparently at Derek Shepherd’s expense.

“Days off are for the weak minded. The lily livered. The pansies,” Christina pronounced.

“You’re just jealous,” Alex responded. “They probably had four days of nonstop sex.”

Izzie hit Alex across the top of his head. “It’s not about sex, you moron. It’s about love. Wouldn’t it be nice?” Izzie speculated. “It’s like they’re an entirely different couple. This morning they were in the on-call room napping and Dr. Shepherd wouldn’t let her leave without kissing him good morning.”

“That must have been like walking into the twilight zone,” Christina said. “It’s hard for me to imagine lovey-dovey Shepherds. They’re usually screaming at each other in the halls.”

“I think that’s over,” Meredith observed.

The other four looked at her.

“What? I told you guys I’m over it. I want them to be happy.”

“Really?” Izzie asked doubtfully.

“Really. I think I’m going to get it tattooed across my forehead. Look, Derek picked her months ago. And it took a while for it to sink in, which for the record partly his fault. . . “

“Entirely his fault,” Christina interjected. “McAsshole led you on.”

“But he picked her for a reason,” Meredith continued, ignoring the Yang-esque show of support. “Obviously they were happy before, and they’re happy now, and I’m happy for them. And if you all can’t deal with the mature happy-for-the-Shepherds Meredith, that’s your problem.”

Izzie smiled. “I’m so proud.”

“I like that they’re happy,” George observed, “since I’m scrubbing in with her this afternoon.”

“So has anyone figured out the deal with the damn salmon scrubs?” Christina asked.

The other four interns shook their heads.

“I don’t what the deal is with them,” Alex announced, “but I can tell you that she’s damn hot in them.”

The three women looked at him in disgust.

“I say whomever gets the real story on the salmon scrubs gets out of all scut work for a week,” Izzie said.

“Sure, that’s a bet you want to make. The She-Shepherd likes you best,” Christina complained.

“I guess you’re just too scared to take the bet,” Izzie challenged.

“You’re on,” Christina took the bait.

They looked around the table and one by one Meredith, Alex and George nodded their assent.

“Game on,” Izzie pronounced.

***

At 5:30 p.m., Addison finally found herself back in the attending locker room, changing back into street clothes. She was exhausted, but content, her surgery having gone swimmingly, her new patient with the conjoined twins safely on bed rest with Stevens keeping a special eye on her, and her hopes of going home high.

She was personally as well as professionally content, because her greatest fear had not come to pass.

Derek was still as loving now that they returned to work as he had been while they were away. Well, not as loving, because that would have meant that they did not work. But they had napped together that morning in the on-call room, he had sought her out for lunch, and he had stopped in to watch part of her surgery. She had felt his eyes on her as she worked, and she looked up to see him sitting in the front row of the gallery.

Even better, at 2:45 p.m., he had paged her to his office, where he proceeded to show her just how much he liked her return to salmon scrubs. Of course, she hadn’t really been wearing them during his show of devotion, but she got the point.

She had just rolled up her thigh-high stockings and slipped on her skirt and blouse when Derek came into the dressing room.

“Hello, Dr. Shepherd,” he said, pulling her into his arms for a kiss. “I believe I need a consult.”

“A real consult?” she murmured back. “Or a private one in the privacy of our own home?”

“Neither,” Derek smiled. “Bailey wants us to come over tonight to hang with her and Tucker and the little man.”

“I can handle that,” Addison smirked. “But can you?”

“She promised steak and beer, so I think I’m good. But, for the record, don’t think that this gets you out of the private consultation later.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Addison smirked again. “I have some newfound expertise that I would love to share.”

Derek started laughing at Addison’s deliberate provocation.

“I love you, Satan,” he said. “And I would never pass on a private lesson from an expert of your caliber.”

new

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 12:59:17 GMT

For those looking for a new fic, I finally finished my belated Big Damn Table piece and posted it over at the cobra_sss journal.

Back finally -- C&F 28 & 29

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 14:55:00 GMT

Well, I survived vacation, then post-vacation illness, then other craziness, and today I'm finally posting again here. I'm also working on my overdue fic for the cobrasss big damn table fic challenge. (If you like Addie fic, with or without Derek, I recommend checking out the non-tardy authors offerings.) I apologize for the delays.

I should add I also finally got caught up on the show, and all I can say is Meredith and Addison both deserve better than Derek, who is a self-centered, self-superior, arse, and Mark, who apparently cannot maintain focus on one woman long enough to actually pursue her. McSteamy may indeed be steamy, but he comes off as less mature than Karev on a bad day; and McDreamy is really just a nightmare.

Anyay, on to the fic with the tiny disclaimer that of course I still don't own the characters. As you can tell by the fic, I would play with them very differently than Queen Shonda.

Chapter 28

Derek smiled and let his hand graze his wife’s cheek.

“I understand what you’re saying – why you brought it up and why it has the question mark.” Derek began. “I’ve always believed that we would have amazing children. Smart and beautiful like their mother. I still want that, Addie, more than anything.”

“But, I also know that we don’t want to have a child to save our marriage. Because that’s not going to fix things, but merely paper over problems. And that’s not fair to a baby, and it’s not fair to us. On the other hand, we’re already committed to rebuilding our marriage. Sure, we have a lot more to do, but we’ve made the commitment. We’ve taken some of the hardest steps.”

Derek smiled and was reassured when Addison gave him a somewhat wisful smile in return. He leaned in and gave her a quick kiss.

“And I choose you. I love you. Whether we never have a child or we have a hundred children.”

“Derek,” Addison interjected. “I can safely say that we are not going to have a hundred children. Unless you plan to give birth to at least 98 of them.”

Derek smiled. “I would if I could. After all, I’ve watched you deliver so many babies, I am one man who appreciates what a miracle it is to bring a child into this world. . . . In an ideal world, we wouldn’t have to think about our ages, and maybe it would make sense to wait another year to start trying, to make sure we have our marriage solidly back on track. But I also know that the longer we wait, the worse our chances of conception are.”

Addison nodded.

“It seems to me the most logical thing to do would be to wait at least a few months before we even start to try. That’ll give us some time to make sure what we’re doing here in Victoria holds when we get back to Seattle and our jobs and our patients and everything else.”

“It is going to, Addison, because we are smart people and we are not going to make the same mistakes again. If either of us start to fall back into old habits, the other one has to put a stop to it. By any means necessary. We have to guard against it. Because I love you, and I love the life we’re building together in Seattle, and I’m not willing to give it up.”

“So?”

“So maybe we agree to put off the topic of a baby just for a couple of months, until we’re both confident in each other and the marriage that we’ve built together. I want to be absolutely clear that I want a little girl with your hair and my eyes and your quick wit, or a little boy with my hair and your eyes and smile. But I just don’t think we’re ready yet,” Derek looked at Addie nervously, fearful that she would read the wrong message into his hesitation to pursue a child right this minute.

Addison saw his nervousness and for once it put her at ease.

“I agree with that plan.” She leaned forward and sealed their agreement with a kiss, which went from reassuring to passionate in no time at all. When they broke for air, Derek whispered his wife’s name and she smiled at him mischieviously.

“Now, that we’ve finished our lists, Dr. Shepherd,” her grin turned wicked as she pulled away and extracted her long legs from under the bedsheets before standing up. “I believe you said something about how seeing me in your clothes makes you think less than fully pure thoughts.”

“Addison,” Derek assured her, getting up to take his wife in his arms. “I can promise you that seeing you in my clothes, in your clothes, and in no clothes at all regularly inspires creative thinking on my part.”

“Really?” she murmured. “Perhaps you’d better demonstrate.”

***

“What’s wrong, Addie?”

Having checked their luggage on the ferry for the ride back to Seattle, Derek – carrying just a backpack – found his wife on deck, staring back at the town they were about to depart, a wistful expression on her face.

“Nothing,” she mustered a smile. “We just had such a great weekend and I’m sort of dreading going back to Seattle. Back to work and real life.”

Derek took her in his arms, his hands rubbed her back, hand his lips touched hers briefly before he responded.

“First of all, you love your work. You’re going to be excited to see your patients and get back to them. Second, nothing is going to change in Seattle. I will still love you. I will still be committed to you. And you had damn well still better love me.”

Addison smiled mischieviously. “I don’t know. There’s supposedly a hot new surgeon over at Mercy West. Miranda was saying we should go over there and check him out.”

“No way, darling. You’re mine and I’m yours. And if Miranda Bailey is being a bad influence on you, I’m going to have to have a conversation with her.”

Addison openly laughed at the thought. She gave Derek about two seconds before Bailey smacked him down with her trademark wit. As she laughed, Derek pulled a blanket out of his backpack and laid it out on the deck for them.

“Anyway,” Derek continued, grinning openly at his wife in a manner that made her nervous. “I have a way to take your mind off your troubles.”

“Yeah?”

Derek leaned in and kissed Addie again at her challenging tone. He deepened the kiss for a moment, and then laughed when she pulled away breathless. “We can’t do *that* here, Derek. We’re in public. . . . There are small children.”

“Not *that*,” he responded, pulling something else from his backpack and handing it to Addie. “I’m afraid you’re going down, Dr. Shepherd.”

Addison looked at the travel backgammon game her husband had handed her, as they both settled themselves on the blanket. “I believe, Dr. Shepherd, that you might be mistaken. However, if you’d like to place a little wager on the game.”

“Well I suppose that would depend on the stakes,” Derek replied quickly.

“What would you like to play for, McDreamy?”

Derek thought about it. Addison was good at backgammon, but he believed he could beat her. “If I win, it’s garters and stockings every day for a week.”

“I can live with that,” Addison said. “If I win, I get seven half-hour foot massages at my request.”

“Deal,” Derek replied as he set up the game. He almost laughed as he saw the look of intense concentration come over his wife’s face. “Deal.”

****

Seven fierce games of backgammon later, Derek was in the lead five games to two, and that was without doing all of the point totals. Addison had grudgingly and unhappily admitted defeat as the ferry pulled into Seattle, vowing to get her revenge later with some Monopoly, a game at which Derek had never defeated her. She had really wanted those foot massages.

Meanwhile Derek's gloating smile gave away both his competitive nature and his excitement at the thought of his wife's apparel for the next week. Oh well, Addison thought, at least it would be easy to seduce him for the next seven days.

Both Shepherds reluctantly turned on their pagers. Though technically they weren’t on call until 2 a.m., as their replacements had agreed to cover until then, they felt guilty not being available for emergencies when they were actually in the city.

From the ferry they headed to the Baileys to pick up Doc. Only Tuck was home, and he handed over the dog and extracted a promise from Addison and Derek to come over for a barbecue the following night so the couples could catch up. He knew his wife wanted to grill Addison about their weekend away, and he doubted that she’d get the chance at the hospital.

As they drove back to the trailer, Addison looked out the window at the beauty of the woods and thought about how much had changed since she was last there.

In five days, she had gone from being completely uncertain about the state of her marriage – about whether Derek still loved her, about whether he was going to leave her for Meredith, about whether their marriage would survive regardless – to having substantial, if not yet complete, faith that she and Derek would rebuild something stronger than what they had thrown away in New York.

She now believed that Derek loved her. She believed that he wanted to make things work. So she could handle whatever else came.

She knew that they still had battles to fight. There were still repairing the fractured trust. They still had to break old bad habits – like failing to communicate and letting their work take precedence over their life. They still had to build a real life in Seattle – a life that involved more than going to work at Seattle Grace.

Addison was so lost in thought that she did not realize until they had parked and Doc started barking that there was another car parked outside the trailer.

“Who is that?” she asked Derek, not recognizing the car.

“Why don’t we get out and see?” he replied.

Addison could tell from his tone that he knew and that he was up to something. But after this weekend, there was no feeling of dread at that thought. She followed him, as Doc ran ahead and began almost jumping on a man she had never seen before.

“Down, Doc,” Derek pulled the dog away and the stranger bent down and let Doc smell his hand and lick his fingers, before Doc ran off in seach of more interesting prey in the form of a squirrel he had spotted. Addison thought to herself again how fortunate they were that Doc was a spectacularly bad hunter. “Ethan Andrews, I presume.”

“You presume correctly. And I presume that you’re Derek Shepherd.”

“Guilty. This is my wife, Addison. And you met, Doc.”

“Pleased to meet you,” Addison said, still trying to figure out who this man was.

“This is a beautiful piece of land that you have here. I have the drawings I did, based on what you said, in the car, so I’ll just grab those. I’ve already thought of some things I want to change now that I’ve seen the land.”

Addison watched as Ethan went to the car and grabbed a pile of papers. She looked at Derek questioningly, but he was picking up sticks to throw for Doc, most likely in an effort to avoid being questioned. Ethan returned and motioned them over to the picnic table, where he laid out the papers.

Addison looked down at blueprints, speechless.

“So this is the first floor,” Ethan began. “The glass wall in the kitchen and dining area will face the woods, to let nature come in but still keep it safely outdoors. As requested, there is an island for extra counter space and room for all of the state-of-the-art appliances. Off the kitchen, of course, is the laundry as well as a food pantry. Then there’s the living room area, and the office space on this floor, as well as one bedroom with a full bath.” Ethan turned to the next blueprint. “This is the second floor. The master bedroom and master bath. Two walk-in closets. Room in the master bath both for a shower and an extra deep tub. Then two additional bedrooms and one additional bathroom.”

Addison found her voice. “Derek?”

“What?” he asked mischieviously. “Don’t you think this has enough closet space for all of your shoes?”

Chapter 29

“I really like that the master bedroom faces east,” Addison observed, as she and Derek sat at the picnic table examining the plans that their new architect had delivered. He had assured them that they were only preliminary; he himself had suggested changes while they discussed them, and he had left them with the Shepherds so they could ponder some more. “But I’m wondering if we shouldn’t add in an extra closet upstairs, for linens.”

“Or for shoes?”

Addison playfully smacked Derek, before leaning in and kissing the “hurt” away. “I can’t believe you did this.”

“What?”

“You actually want to give up the trailer?”

“Don’t worry, I’m still planning on fishing. Maybe even bringing the trout in the house. And wearing flannel shirts. You won’t civilize me overnight,” Derek rubbed Addie’s back absently as he talked. “But the trailer – it was a place of healing for me. A place where I could deal with all of my messed up emotions, where I could be in solitude when I needed it. It was about as far from a Brownstone in Manhattan as I could get, when I needed to escape. . . . And later it became a place where I could punish you, where I could make you pay while still not giving you up. But we’re beyond that. We’re ready to rebuild – or in the case of the house, just to build.”

“I do have some good memories of the trailer.” Addison admitted.

“We don’t need to get rid of it entirely,” Derek observed. “Maybe we could use it as a guesthouse?”

“We need a guesthouse on top of four bedrooms?”

“Well, first of all, if the guests include my dad or otherwise overstay their welcome, we might want a place that’s not actually in the house. And if we could lure my whole family here or our med school friends, we’d need it. I do have some fond memories of the place. . . . And, if we have that hundred babies we discussed yesterday, we’d need more than four bedrooms.”

“I think you’d look great pregnant, Derek,” Addison grinned. “If you want to keep it as a guesthouse, I’m fine with that. Just so long as I get to move into that master suite with the big bathtub and walk-in closet.”

“Never let it be said that I don’t know the way to my wife’s heart. Forget flowers. Forget candy. Just give her room for her shoes.”

“You got that right, buster.”

Addison turned and captured Derek’s lips with her own. She deepend the kiss, trying to convey her gratitude and love. Just as she was about to suggest going inside to make some more good memories of their bedroom in the trailer, their passion was disturbed by the simultaneous and highly annoying sounds of both of their pagers.

Addison looked at Derek’s pager, as hers was still in her purse. “’911 mass casualty. Bus crash. Get your butts in here. Miranda.’. . . So much for one last night of relaxation.”

“We’re not even on call yet,” Derek complained.

“Who would you prefer to tell? The person who crashed the bus at such an inopportune time, or Miranda Bailey?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Derek grumbled, as he went to secure Doc inside the trailer. When he climbed in the driver’s seat, Addison leaned over and gave Derek a kiss designed to eliminate all thoughts from his brain. “What’s that for?”

“For the best four days of vacation ever. I love you, Derek.”

“I love you, too, Addison. Forever and always.”

*****

“Where do you need us?” Addison called out to Miranda who was clearly running the chaos pit known as the ER when she and Derek walked through the door.

“Welcome home,” Bailey called back. “Addison, Stevens has a woman about 24, 25 weeks in curtain 1 from the bus crash. Derek, both Grey and Karev have patients for whom we need neuro consults. Grey just took hers for an MRI, so I’d start with Karev, in the furthest curtain.”

As the Shepherds parted ways to go to their respective patients, Derek took a moment to type something in his blackberry so he wouldn’t forget.

*****

“What have you got?” Addison asked Izzie Stevens as she entered the curtain area.

“Welcome back, Addison. At the moment, I’ve got a malfunctioning portable ultrasound. She’s unconcious, but looks to be about six months. Vitals are good. Driver’s license says her name is Alison Sanders. She also has a serious gash in and potential break of her right leg.”

Addison took a moment to try to get the ultrasound working. “I give up. Go find the other one asap, and while you’re at it page Derek for a neuro consult and Torres to take a look at the leg. Although that’s probably the least of our problems. I don’t like that she’s not concious yet. How long ago did the bus actually crash?”

“I don’t have an exact time,” Izzie replied, “but at least two hours. Oh, and I should tell you that Yang has another pregnant woman from the crash.”

“I’ll check on Yang’s patient while you find me a working ultrasound machine. We need to hurry.”

****

“Dr. Karev. What have we got?”

“Steve Mitchell. Thirty-two. Probable spinal injury as a result of the bus crash. We’re in line for an MRI but the line is lengthy.”

“Mr. Mitchell, I’m Derek Shepherd. Can you tell me where you are?”

“Hospital. Seattle. Washington.”

“Good. Now can you move your fingers for me.”

Derek watched, pleased, as his patient did just that.

“How about your toes?”

Derek kept his face neutral as he watched his patient attempt unsuccessfully to follow his directive.

“OK. Mr. Mitchell. I’m going to touch you with my pen. You tell me when you feel it.”

As Derek did the test, it became clear that Mitchell would only realize the pen was touching him when it touched his torso or his arms, not anywhere lower. Derek exchanged a look with Alex.

“So, Mr. Mitchell, Dr. Karev is going to bump you to the front of the MRI line on my orders so we can get some pictures of what’s going on in your back. As soon as we have those pictures, I’ll be back to talk to you.”

****

As the night continued, Derek and Addison jumped from patient to patient as a result of the bus crash. The patient Yang had was only 20 weeks pregnant. Overall she was concious and had no clear injuries, but Addison had Yang admit her on bedrest for monitoring. Grey’s patient had taken a serious bump to the head and her MRI showed a pool of blood forming. She, too was admitted for monitoring to see if the situation would resolve itself or whether Derek would have to take more aggressive measures.

When the functioning ultrasound was finally found, Izzie’s patient was shown to be 26 weeks pregnant. In addition to the trauma to her leg – a compound fracture Callie Torres diagnosed when she finally got to her, which was still the least of the woman’s troubles – an MRI had shown pressure building up in her brain. Derek needed to perform surgery asap, but that surgery could only be performed once the baby was delivered. Addison had administered a drug to help the baby’s lungs develop and with the consent of Alison Sanders’s terrified husband Doug they were waiting just long enough for the drug to take effect before delivering the preemie via C-section.

Meanwhile, a third pregnant woman – “How many pregnant women can be on one bus?” Addison grumbled – was delivered by ambulance, having bled sporadically. Her ultrasound showed partial separation of the umbilical cord from the uterine wall, so Addison first found herself in surgery delivering Mallory Smith’s new baby – a red-faced little screamer she had promised to name after the red-haired doctor who saved her. And so another Addison joined the world.

As Addison deliverd her namesake, Derek was in the next operating room over trying to repair the damage done to Steve Mitchell’s spine in the course of the bus accident. He let Karev handle the opening cuts but then jumped in to the intricacies of untangling the nerves and inserting the steel rod that hopefully would allow the patient to one day walk again himself.

Thus, even though they were sharing a patient, almost six hours passed before the Drs. Shepherd saw hide nor hair of each other. Izzie Stevens saw each of them as they passed through Allison Sanders room, getting the latest test results, monitoring the fetus’s lung development and attempting to offer words of comfort to her husband.

It wasn’t until all four doctors – for Callie Torres had joined the party, her more immediate patients also taken care of – met in the scrub room that the couple saw each other for the first time since returning to Seattle Grace. Addison was the last to arrive, but walked in in a pair of salmon scrubs that made Izzie uncertain whether to wince or laugh.

Derek had not yet began scrubbing, having been discussing the intricacies of his part of the surgery with Izzie. He fell silient when he saw Addison in the salmon scrubs standing in the doorway. Then he walked over to her, pulled her into his arms and kissed her until her knees went weak.

“It’s getting hot in here,” Callie muttered to Izzie, who only grinned.

As Derek pulled away, Addison’s cheeks were flushed with a comination that was two parts passion and one part embarassment. “My good luck charm,” Derek pronounced with a grin, before he turned to go actually scrub for surgery.

“Let’s get this show on the road,” Addison said. “I think I might have one more delivery behind this one, and I already have one preemie from this bus accident in the NICU who I need to check on.”

****

Two more successful deliveries under her belt, each of the three mothers recovering well from their emergency deliveries and their babies being carefully monitored in the NICU, Addison found herself at almost 5 a.m. forsaking a stolen nap in an on-call room for the opportunity to watch her husband at work. Like her, Derek had been inundated with patients from the bus crash, but this – his fourth surgery of the night – was actually the result of a fraternity hazing incident going very wrong.

As Addison watched Derek operate, she marveled at his skill and focus. Then he looked up at her and smiled, and she smiled back. Just that one moment of connection made her feel warm and fuzzy inside. She could feel his love for her. It was real and tangible.

And it was most definitely returned.

C&F, Chapters 26 & 27

Sat, 09 Sep 2006 00:31:06 GMT

So I've been awol from my LJ, to use abbreviations. But I'm back, at least long enough to post the next two chapters of this opus. I'm sort of stalled on it and more focused on my other opus, Karma, which I haven't really started posting here, but will eventually. Anyway, as always, I don't own them. And I love feedback.

Chapter 26

Addison smiled as she looked around the room at the B&B. She was working with a serious deadline, but she was satisfied with her results. It had taken more than one pit stop on the way back to the B&B to get everything she was looking for, but fortunately she had scoped out most of what she needed while shopping with Derek. He had been oblivious.

A pretty tablecloth covered a small table brought in by the B&B owner for the occasion. That table was graced by two tapers in Derek's favorite shade of blue, balancing in a beautiful antique candleholder she had borrowed from the innkeeper. Next to that was a chilling bottle of white wine. Spread across the table were various plates of cheeses, fruits, and other delicacies that Addison had picked up at the gourmet grocery store in town. Candles were spread about the room on almost every available surface.

They had explored Victoria quite a bit the past few days.

Tonight Addie wanted to stay in. To enjoy their last night in this beautiful room. To discuss the lists they had made in privacy. And to enjoy each other.

Having put the room the way she wanted it, she took what she needed, ducked into the bathroom, and locked the door behind her. She hoped she still had a few minutes before Derek walked through the door.

Addison no longer worried that her husband wasn't coming back.

She jumped in the shower, where she shaved her legs and used the almond-vanilla bath gel that she hoped would make her smell good enough to, well, eat, and when she got out, she was still putting herself together when she heard Derek walk into their room.

"Addie," he called out, even before he took in what she had done to the room.

"In here," she called back. "I'll be out in a minute."

Derek looked at the candles and the food; the display only accentuated the romantic atmosphere of the room itself. He ducked out of the room and asked the innkeeper to cancel the dinner reservations he had made.

Clearly, the Shepherds were staying in tonight.

As Derek re-entered the room, he saw the lighter. He picked it up and began to light the candles that Addison had placed around the room. As he moved from candle to candle, he thought about what Addison might be doing behind that closed door. Just the thought of her was enough to start his mind off in some very interesting directions.

When he had finished lighting candles, he turned his attention to the wine. He had just opened the bottle and poured them each a glass when he heard the bathroom door swing open, and he took a deep breath before turning to look at his wife.

It was a good thing he did, because the sight of Addison sucked all of the air out of his lungs.

Addison was wearing an emerald green babydoll negligee that just barely covered her bottom and was just not-sheer enough to provoke the imagination in all of the right ways. Her brilliant red hair was curly and falling over her shoulders. And at the very end of her long, long, long legs were strappy sandals that added another three inches to her never-ending legs.

Derek had a hard time taking his eyes off his wife's legs, but as he moved up her body, the arousal only increased. He appreciated how the negligee emphasized her assets and how the green color emphasized her eyes – through which he could see her intelligence, her strength, her humor, and most importantly her love for him.

He walked over to greet her with a glass of wine in each hand. As he handed Addie hers, he leaned forward and kissed her hello.

It was not a quick kiss. In it, Derek conveyed the love and the lust he was feeling at that moment.

By the time Addison pulled away, she was breathing more quickly – almost panting. She smiled and walked a few steps away.

"I take it you're OK with us staying in tonight?" she asked, even as she made sure that Derek got a good look at the barely-there back of her negligee.

"I already canceled the dinner reservation," he assured her. "But I do have one question. How are we supposed to discuss our lists when you look like that? My brain doesn't function.”

Addison put down her glass and walked back over to Derek. She took his hand in her own and then leaned forward and placed her lips against his. She used her lips and her hands to push Derek back toward the bed.

She smiled and whispered, “I think that talking is going to have to wait.”

***

It was an hour and a half later before Derek remembered the lists.

He was lying in bed, his wife cuddled up against him, and he was uncertain if he was ever going to be able to move again.

“That was. . . .” Derek couldn’t even come up with a word to describe what had just happened. “Where did you get that little green number anyway? That was *not* in the luggage I packed.”

“You don’t really want me to tell you all my secrets, do you?” Addie smiled and placed a kiss on her husband’s chest. “I did a little bit of shopping after I finished my list. . . . You know what?”

“What?”

“I’m hungry now,” she smiled. Derek leaned in to kiss her and she pulled away, “I meant for the food on the table. Nourishment.”

Derek extracted himself from his wife’s arms, leaving her lying in the bed, only partially covered by the sheets. He went to the table and began to carry the plates of food over to the bed.

Addison sat up to make room and Derek got another eyeful of his well-loved, absolutely naked, and extremely sexy wife. He glanced at the floor and saw the discarded negligee. That would be no help at all. He went to his clothing and found an extra large T-shirt. He brought it to the bed and handed it to his wife.

“What’s this for?”

“You need to put it on.” She gave him a quizzical look. “You need clothes so we can talk while we eat. Otherwise, the view’s too distracting.”

Addie started laughing. “Good to know that I can still ‘distract’ you after all these years.”

Derek breathed a sigh of relief when she donned the T-shirt. It helped some. Not enough, because seeing Addie in his clothes had a charm of its own. But some.

He put on some sweats, and then grabbed his own list and the glasses of wine. He came back to bed and let Addison feed him some cheese.

“So how should we do this?” Addie asked before popping a strawberry in her mouth and turning to extract her list from the nightstand where she had tucked it.

“Maybe we can just take turns. I mean, some of mine are sort of simple – I would say obvious, except I screwed them up before. Some of them maybe require some discussion.”

When Addison nodded her agreement, Derek volunteered to go first.

“The first item is more weekends away together. We need time to recharge and just be us. So I was thinking that we could commit to doing at least one long weekend like this every six months.”

“You’re not going to get any argument from me. That’s actually the first item on my list as well,” Addie agreed. “With the added requirement of no pagers on our weekend trips.”

“I was thinking maybe next time, we could go to Vancouver. I don’t think either of us has ever been.”

“That sounds great. And, the Oregon coast is supposed to have some beautiful places as well. OK, I think it’s my turn, since we agreed on the first item. Tonight is one of the items on my list.”

“Tonight?” Derek wasn’t sure he was following.

“That little green number you practically ripped off my body? Item number 4 on my list is surprising you, making the effort to get sexy lingerie or just bring you a cup of coffee. We used to surprise each other all the time, and I’m not sure when that stopped, but it felt so amazing when I got that first package on Thursday – once I realized it really was from you.”

“Aha. We’re going out of order,” Derek couldn’t resist going in for a kiss before he responded. “Surprises was on my list, too. Item number 9. Peach roses and surprises. I don’t know why we stopped either, except we just stopped making it a priority. I don’t think I realized in New York how long it had been.” Derek made the executive decision to leave off salmon scrubs from his oral recitation – that way they would be an actual surprise when they showed up again in Addie’s locker. “You thought someone else gave you the biscotti?”

“Not exactly. When I was handed that first package, I was afraid to hope it was from you. I wanted it to be. And the peach rose suggested it might be. But if I got my hopes up and then it wasn’t from you, it would have devastated me. Of course, when I opened the card, I knew. And then it thrilled me.”

“Good.” Addison could tell from his tone in that one word that her husband was a little put out that she hadn’t known immediately the first surprise was from him.

“It was just it had been so long, Derek. I was surprised enough when you called me from Denver and you flirted with me on the phone, but then I didn’t hear from you.”

“I’m sorry, Addie.”

“Well, it’s OK now that I know what you were up to. I loved each and every one of the surprises. And now we’re both committed to surprising each other the way we used to.”

When Derek nodded, she decided it was time to move on. She gestured at his list.

“I guess it’s my turn. I’ll pick my number 4: We need to always wake each other when we get called in, or when we get home late. Even if we just talk for a minute, it’s important we actually talk to each other.”

“Just to be clear. You want me to wake you at 3 a.m. when I have to go to the hospital because one of my patients is in labor?”

“Well, when you put it like that, it doesn’t sound so appealing. But sometimes, given our jobs, the emergencies and those inconsiderate babies who can’t be born at a decent hour, we neither go to bed nor wake up together. Even if we only talk for 30 seconds and kiss once, we need to commit to making that effort. And, I don’t know if this is cheating, but I’ll do two at once. Because my number eight is to make sure to call – or at least have someone call – if we get stuck at the hospital.”

Addison smiled and nodded her agreement. Then, she glanced down at her list.

“I love you, Derek.”

“I love you, too, Addie,” Derek wasn’t sure why the last suggestion had prompted her declaration of affection, but he wasn’t turning it down. “But that doesn’t get you out of telling me what’s next on your list.”

“That is what’s next on my list. Telling each other ‘I love you.’ Number three on my list. Before this weekend, it had been one year and three months since you said those words to me.”

“Fifteen months? Really?” Derek was appalled, even more so when he realized he couldn’t dispute the figure because he couldn’t actually remember when he had last said the words. No wonder Addison had given up on him. “Well, I’m just going to have to say them over and over again to make up for my stupidity. I love you, Addison; I love you, Addison; I love you, Addison; I love you, Addison. . . .”

Addison couldn’t deny that every single time she heard the words made her heart swell with joy, but when it looked as if Derek might keep up his chant all night, she made the executive decision to silence him with a kiss. When their lips parted again, he made the declaration one last time for emphasis, “I love you, Addison,” before looking back to his list.

“We need to talk.”

“I think that’s what we’re doing,” Addison responded.

“No. That’s my number seven. We have to have to talk about our feelings, about things that are bothering us, about our issues. We made a great start this trip – better than we did in months of therapy – but we both know that all our issues aren’t going to magically disappear. I don’t know if we should have regular sessions, like a set time, or if we should just commit to talking to each other about what’s going on in our heads.”

“That’s my number two, too. I don’t know. Maybe it would be helpful to have regular sessions. Maybe once a week. Like on Sunday mornings. Talk and then take our mandatory break. Sort of continued self-couples therapy. It might keep us from bottling things up or papering over them with false fronts.”

“So Sunday mornings?” Derek asked.

Addison nodded. “Sunday mornings. We’ll have to find another bench in Seattle.”

When Derek nodded, Addison realized it was her turn. “Number eight on my list,” she said. “I’m going back to salmon scrubs permanently.”

Derek leaned in and kissed her thoroughly, his tongue taking care to touch every surface in her mouth. They parted only when they no longer had breath. Addison had to take a minute to catch hers before speaking.

“I guess that idea meets with your approval,” she smiled. “I wasn’t sure when I first came Seattle – they didn’t seem to have the same significance for you that they once had.”

Chapter 27

****

“I guess that idea meets with your approval. . . . I wasn’t sure when I first came to Seattle – they didn’t seem to have the same significance for you that they once had.”

Derek pulled away from Addison, but he kept her hand in his. He thought for a minute about how to express what it was he wanted to say, and he could feel Addison's anxious stare.

"Salmon scrubs," Derek started, "have always meant and will always mean something special to me. When I see you in them, they remind me of how amazing you are -- how brilliant, how caring, how strong, how tough, how determined. And -- how sexy. You are the woman who taught me that someone can be all of those things, strong and brilliant, tough and empathetic, competitive and caring. I fell in love with you wearing salmon scrubs."

Addison opened her mouth as if to respond, but Derek raised his hand to her mouth and shook his head.

"Let me finish. I know that there have been times when I've let my job, my ambitions, my patients, take center stage in our lives, and when I've forgotten to pay attention to you, to see you, the way you deserve to be seen. And more recently, there have been times when I let my anger and rage and jealousy trump all of the other emotions I have. But, that doesn't mean I ever forgot."

He noticed that her eyes were glistening with unshed tears and he moved his hand to her cheek as if to catch them if and when they fell.

"I fell in love with you, Addison, wearing salmon scrubs. Every part of you. Your beauty and your strength and your intelligence and your courage. And now that I've gotten past all of those negative emotions, and now that I've realized how I lost track of who and what was most important to me, I do see you again. I see that you are beautiful, that you are brilliant, that you are amazing, and that you are the love of my life. And even when I was an idiot, I still would see you in salmon scrubs and want you and desire you and love you. I may not have always acted on those emotions, but I always felt them."

"And, for the record, I always -- every single time -- felt the urge to rip them off your body and make love to you where you stood. That has not changed. I sometimes let other things keep me from acting on that desire, and no doubt sometimes patients -- or propriety -- still might require me to not ravish you in the middle of an OR or an ER or in front of the Chief. But I think you going back to salmon scrubs is a fabulous idea, because every time I see you in them I will think of how much you mean to me."

Addison smiled, the tears still in her eyes. "Well, then, I guess that's what I'll do."

Derek leaned forward and kissed her. "For the record, I should point out that almost anything you wear can have that affect. The little green number was irresistible. And now, even that T-shirt of mine is making me think less than purely pure thoughts about you, Dr. Shepherd."

Addison grinned, and she maneuvered a little way away from Derek on the bed, extracting the comforter. She used the bedding to hide her legs, which had extended out -- from Derek's perspective, until all eternity -- from under the T-shirt. "Is that better?"

"Well, it depends. From the perspective of me not attacking you at this very moment, I suppose it is," he teased. "But if you think it's going to save you in the long term, Doctor, you had better think again."

"I'll keep that in mind, Doctor Shepherd. But before you get to act on your impure thoughts, you owe me another item from your list."

"Fair enough," Derek looked down to decide what to pick. "OK, regardless of whether you're wearing scrubs or your more designer professional attire, I think we should have lunch together whenever possible. Obviously it won't be every day, because of our surgical schedules, but if we make an effort we should be able to manage it at least half the time."

Addison nodded. "That seems like a good goal. . . . My number five works with that. Same idea anyways. We should try to travel to and from work together as much as we can. Take the ferry together. Wait for each other if it's not an outrageous amount of time. I think the idea is to try to make time for each other on a daily basis."

"I love to ride the ferry with you," Derek said, his mind flashing back to when Addison first came to Seattle and surprised him on the ferry, back when he was less than fully pleased to see her. Even then, it had made his heart beat faster to see her waiting for him on the ferry. "Your beautiful hair goes flying. . . . And, if it's chilly, I have an excuse to take you in my arms."

"Derek," Addie dropped her voice to a low whisper. "I'll tell you a secret."

He looked at her expectantly.

Addison kept her voice low and sexy. "You don't need an excuse."

Derek felt the twist in his gut. 'You have to finish the lists first,' he mentally reminded himself, trying to keep his desire for his wife from flaming out of control. "You're evil, Satan," he grinned.

"I'm just trying to live up to my demonic origins," she replied.

"OK. Back to work. Number 3. I think we should get season's tickets to the Intiman Theater."

"Really?" Addison stared at her husband, unable to contain her shock. In New York, Addison had always been the one to push for arts in their life. They had bought season's tickets to two off-off-off Broadway theaters, and Addison had always been up for going to see a Broadway show. But more often then not, she went with Savvy and the girls or had to find some last minute substitute to take their tickets when Derek found something else more important to do.

"Really. I feel like we need to build lives outside the hospital in Seattle. I know you love theater. I did some research and the Intiman's really good, and I think you'd like it. . . . I won't promise to love every show, but I will promise to do my best to attend."

Addison smiled. She was touched that Derek had made the effort to look into the theater scene for her. "Season's tickets sound great. I had 'explore Seattle' on my list. I do feel like I haven't really got to know the city, which means I haven't made it my home. Part of that was my uncertainty about us. Why bother if you were going to change your mind and I was going to end up back in New York?"

"I'm not changing my mind," Derek interjected.

"I know," Addison's smile was brilliant. "And we're staying. So it's time for me to get to know the city better. I thought we could explore together, make a list of restaurants and other place that we want to try."

Derek nodded. "OK. Perhaps we can do some of our exploration on our weekly date night." Addison looked at him quizzically. "Item No. 6. Weekly dates -- just you and me."

"Dinner and some heavy petting in a movie theater?" Addison laughed at the image.

"I was thinking we should pick one night -- and one backup night for when our careers don't cooperate. We could take turns planning them. Sometimes they could be 'stay-in dates,' like what you planned for tonight. And other times, they could be ‘go-out dates.’"

"OK. I admit I had romantic dinners for two on my list also. Number nine."

"It's nice," Derek paused to make sure he got his words right. "It's nice to see that our lists overlap, that what we both think is important for getting and keeping our marriage fully back on track is similar and complementary." Addison smiled, and Derek checked his list. "We're getting down to the end," he observed. "OK. Number two. A real vacation, just the two of us. I was thinking maybe Paris. Neither of us have ever been, and it is supposed to be the most romantic city in the world."

“Paris sounds lovely. Do you think we can get the time?”

“Our contracts do say that we get time off, much as the Chief doesn’t want to honor those provisions. We have three weeks off a year. Some of that time will get eaten by visiting our families, but I figure we should reserve one of those for just us. This year, Paris. Next year, who knows? Maybe somewhere where I can get you in a bikini.”

“A bikini, huh? I’m going to have to start working out more.”

“Hardly. There’s a reason you earned your nickname. You are sexy and gorgeous and more than bikini-worthy just as you are.”

“Satan wears bikinis?”

“Nope, but that’s not what the male interns call you.”

“Oh really? Have you been holding out on gossip, McDreamy?” Addison smiled as she pulled out the nickname. She wondered if it should bother her that it was associated with Meredith, but really it was just too amusing not to use to torture Derek on occasion.

“I know for a fact that it was Karev who dubbed you McHot. O’Malley agreed. Should I be jealous?”

“McHot, huh? I hadn’t actually heard that, maybe because the interns are usually too busy grumbling about what a bitch I am,” Addison just started laughing. “I assure you, McDreamy, you’ve got nothing to worry about. First, I would imagine that McHot and McDreamy would go together like peanut butter and chocolate – McHot-and-Dreamy.”

“Second, Karev, well, aside from being unable to admit he’s in love with Stevens, is no competition for you. And O’Malley’s sweet, but like a puppy dog.” Addison checked her list. “Getting close to the end, huh? Speaking of dogs, I thought perhaps we should walk Doc together sometimes. Number seven.”

“I don’t know how Doc would feel about that – he wants our undivided attention. But otherwise that seems like an excellent idea – especially on days when we are doing more than just the five minute necessity walk before running to the hospital.”

“Would that make Meredith uncomfortable? I mean, I know you’ve been taking walks with her, and she’s attached to Doc. I don’t want to put a wrench in your friendship.”

“First, to the extent that Meredith is our friend, she shouldn’t be uncomfortable with having both of us there. Second, to the extent that there was anything more between us, that’s over. You are my number one priority, the love of my life. And you don’t have any reason to worry,” Derek assured his wife.

Addison was ashamed she let her jealousy show through again. She hadn’t meant to. She knew that Derek was committed to her. “I know that,” she responded. “I’m sorry that I sounded insecure there.”

“Addison, you do not have anything to apologize about. I love you. And I know that my actions have created these insecurities, and so I have no problem telling you over and over and over again that you are my choice, you are my love, you are my wife. And none of that is *ever* going to change.”

Addison smiled. “And to prove that to you,” Derek said, “my last item, number 10. If 12 hours have passed since we last kissed, it’s too long. And I am going to hunt you down, Dr. Shepherd, and kiss you, just to remind you of how much you mean to me.”

Addison just started laughing, and Derek pretended to be insulted. “Why is that funny?”

“I just have this image in my head – you bursting into the operating room and demanding a kiss.”

Derek smiled. “Well, I probably won’t invade sterile environments – but anything else is fair game. You better watch out in meetings and hallways and on call rooms. Because I’m actually going to set my blackberry on a timer to remind me.”

Addison continued to laugh. “You are a crazy, crazy man, Derek.”

“A crazy, crazy man who loves his amazingly beautiful wife and never wants to forget it and never wants her to forget it.”

Addison glanced down to the last item on her list. She took a moment, and Derek could tell she was nervous though he could not imagine why.

“I’m not entirely sure what to say about the last item on my list,” Addison hedged. “It’s something I think we ought to discuss, but not something I think we’re entirely ready for at this point because we’re just starting to rebuild.”

“Addison, why don’t you just say it and then we can talk about it? Because right now I have no clue what you’re talking about, and your nervousness is making me nervous.”

Addison reached out and took Derek’s hand in hers, letting the physical connection reassure her.

“It’s just. I’m 37. I think I always thought, even with our careers and everything, that we would already have done this, but we were so busy and then we were falling apart.”

Derek thought he had a clue, but he felt like he needed to let Addison say the word first.

“So, I don’t know if we’re ready, but if we’re not, we might never be, or it might be too late, and so,” Addison paused and took a deep breath. “Item number 10 on my list is a baby – with a big fat question mark next to it.”

A Date for the Prom

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 14:32:30 GMT

I needed a break from the two crazy multi-chapter fics, so yesterday I focused on this one shot that's been kicking around my brain since the finale.

It's an AU, and for those who don't know me, it's Addek. As always, Shonda hasn't signed over the rights to the characters, and feedback is more than welcome. Hope you're all having a good weekend.

A Date for the Prom

By Lilybeth

“You’re too honorable of a man to run,” the Chief had said.

Derek had wondered where exactly the Chief had been, who the Derek Shepherd was that Richard Webber saw.

He had only accepted the job at Seattle Grace because he was running. Physically, emotionally, metaphorically.

He had been doing so long before he walked on Addie and Mark. Indeed, his running was probably why he walked in on Addie and Mark.

His running had caused damage.

Addison.

His wife.

The strongest, most amazing woman he knew.

She had broken down in front of the whole hospital, accusing him of not caring about her, of not loving her. Of only being jealous of Meredith and the vet. She had embarrassed herself because of him.

Later, she repeated the accusation, after losing it in front of a patient. “It’s like you, Derek. Like how you pretend to love me but really you’re just using me to fill some need you have to be a good guy.”

Meredith.

The other woman. The one who worshipped him.

The one who had helped him heal, though she didn’t know that was what she was doing. He had felt a connection with her. They were both damaged souls.

She had helped him, but he had hurt her, too. He had chosen Addison.

They had tried to be friends, but he had used the friendship to try to hold on to Meredith. To his band-aid. His anesthetic.

The Chief had called him honorable. Had said he wouldn’t run. It was time to prove the Chief right.

It was time for Derek to be a man. To stop running. To face his fears. His emotions. His problems.

To rip the stitches.

To make a choice.

First, he operated on Preston Burke.

Then, when his damaged wife came looking for him, he had reassured her. “We’re trying,”

Then, he had floored her.

“Addison, will you go to the Prom with me?”

She had smiled, but the look on her face. . . . She was afraid to believe. Afraid to trust in him – no, in them.

It was time to be a man. Time to stop running. Time to make a real choice.

So he put on his tux. He made preparations. Now, he waited.

As he waited, Finn came up to him, wondering if he had seen Meredith. Derek informed him that he didn’t think she had arrived yet, and then he saw her. He pointed her out to Finn and the vet left with the eagerness of a newly-smitten man.

Derek watched them greet each other. He admitted that he felt a twinge of jealousy, as he had when he first found them together.

Addison was right that it was nothing like when he found his wife and his best friend exchanging illicit intimacies. He might get angry, he might get jealous. He didn’t feel his heart and soul shatter in a million pieces. He didn’t have to run.

He was still watching them when a vision in red appeared, as if out of nowhere.

He looked at her, her hair pulled back, her dress accentuating all her attributes, babbling as she had an endearing tendency to do when she was nervous.

“This whole thing brings back very traumatic memories of being a band geek, with braces and a lisp, spending the whole evening with Skippy Gold talking about Star Wars. . . . So, do you want to dance?”

“Addison,” he smiled. “I would love to. But first, I have something for you.”

“For me?” Derek wanted to kiss the puzzled look off her face.

“For you,” he reached down and picked up from the table the corsage of red roses that he had bought her. “It’s bad manners, my mama taught me, not to bring your date a corsage.”

Addison smiled, and Derek’s heart skipped a beat as he slid the circlet of flowers on her wrist.

“It matches my dress,” she observed.

Derek leaned in and captured her lips with his own. As he pulled away, he brushed his lips by her ear and whispered, “And I promise not to talk about Star Wars. Or fishing.”

They joined the other couples on the dance floor.

As they danced, Derek realized that all his careful planning was not enough. For Meredith was watching him. As he looked back at her, she stared at him and Addie and then suddenly stopped dancing and left, leaving Finn behind on the dance floor.

He realized that there was more thing he needed to do. He pulled away from Addison and looked her in her beautiful green eyes. He leaned in and kissed her, and then pulled away again.

“There’s something I have to take care of,” he said.

“What?”

“I need to go talk to Meredith.”

Her confusion – and even more importantly her fear -- was evident. He leaned in and kissed her again.

“You were right. Meredith and I had a fight. And I need to make it right. But, it’s not going to change anything, Addison. I’m committed to you. I just need to go talk to her, so we can enjoy the rest of our night.”

Addison nodded, and Derek’s heart literally ached as he realized that even this was hurting Addison more. But it had to be done. It was better for them all in the long run.

So he squeezed her hand and kissed her once more, and went to follow Meredith out of the room. He could feel Addison watching him, and he knew that she was still afraid – afraid that he loved Meredith, that he was choosing Meredith.

He caught up to Meredith in an exam room down the hall.

“What are you doing?” she hissed. “Why are you following me?”

“I came to apologize,” he stood his ground. “And I wanted to tell you that I hope that you and Finn are happy together. He seems like . . . a great guy, like he’d be good for you.”

Meredith stared at him, as if she was considering peeling back his face to look and see if indeed he had a brain. He couldn’t blame her. Derek doubted it some days himself.

“Your wife asked me if we were sleeping together. . . . She said she felt like we were having a lovers’ quarrel.”

Derek nodded, was silent for a moment.

“Thanks for telling me,” he said, realizing even more so how coming after Meredith must have unnerved Addison. “We . . . I’m sorry, Meredith. I don’t think we can be friends. Not like we were trying to be. I cared about you and I still do and I wish you the best, but we never had that time.”

“What time?”

“Usually when people try to become friends with their exes, they first go through the normal break-up thing of hating each other, wanting to maim each other, etc. Then, only later, can they really become friends. We didn’t break up because of us. We broke up became of us, I mean, Addison and I, that us. So I think we both had a harder time letting go. I never hated you. I never really get go.”

“I’m not sure why you didn’t,” Derek admitted. “Because you deserve to hate me – for lying to you and leading you on. But we didn’t break up right. I guess – I guess I was trying to hang onto both relationships. And that isn’t working. It’s not fair to Addison, and it’s not fair to you, because I think it is keeping you from moving on. I think subliminally that’s what I wanted. But if we’re all going to be happy, I need to focus. I need to focus on Addison. My marriage deserves to have my full attention. Addison deserves that. And you deserve someone who will make you his whole focus. I could never do that. Even when you didn't know it, Addison was always there. With me.”

“So it’s over?” Meredith said.

“It is. I’m sorry. And I really do mean it when I say that I hope you find all of the happiness you deserve.”

“Thanks.”

He could feel Meredith watching him, not sure what to make of his speech, but there was nothing else he could do. He hoped that they really could just let go, be professional at work and avoid each other otherwise. And, maybe, one day down the line, they could become friends again.

But not now.

He returned to the Prom and found Addison in a conversation with Miranda Bailey. He came up behind her and put his arm around her waist and pulled her back against him. She jumped a little, and he smiled and kissed her cheek. “How’s the most beautiful woman in the room?”

Bailey smiled at him, a genuine grin, and Addison asked, “Who are you talking about?”

“I am talking about my wife. I was wondering if we could finish that dance now.”

“Sure.”

They excused themselves from Bailey, who motioned them to the dance floor. Addie let him escort her. As they started to dance, he watched her worry her bottom lip for a few seconds and he leaned in and kissed her.

“Don’t worry. Everything’s fine.”

“Everything?” A tone of disbelief was evident.

“Well, everything might be a slight exaggeration. I’m still worried about Burke’s hand, and there’s the Chief’s niece, but you and I, Dr. Shepherd, we’re fine.”

“We are?” Derek could hear the questioning tone and his heart twisted painfully when he realized again how he had put it there.

“We are. I apologized to Meredith for being a bit of an ass to her lately, and I told her that I hope she and Finn are happy together. We decided that we’re not really going to try to be friends anymore.”

“You’re not?”

“No. Because it’s not fair.” Addison looked confused again, and Derek swung her around and dipped her, and when she came back up he kissed her before continuing. “It’s not fair to you, and I love you.”

“You do?” The tears came to her eyes, and Derek realized that this was actually the first time he had said it since she came to Seattle. She had said it many times, but he never had.

“I do. I love you, Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd, and you and our marriage deserve all of my attention. I know I haven’t been so good at that, but I promise we are going to fix it together.”

This time, Addison leaned in and initiated the kiss. “I love you, too, Derek Alexander Shepherd.”

They continued dancing for another song in companionable silence, and then Derek leaned forward to whisper in his wife’s ear. “Y’know, Addie, my parents always told me that we shouldn’t drink at dances and then drive, so I got us a hotel room.”

“Did you think you were going to get lucky? Y’know, Derek, not every girl loses her virginity at the Prom. Some of us have more self-respect than that.”

His lips claimed hers, his tongue parting her lips and dipping inside to taste that essence that was Addison. When they finally parted to breathe, they heard Bailey’s voice. “Get a room and spare the rest of us.”

Derek laughed. “We did.”

He took Addie’s hand in his and led her to the Hotel, just a couple blocks from Seattle Grace. They were silent as they walked, and Derek enjoyed just putting his arm around his wife and feeling their togetherness. It was the first time in a long, long time that he had taken the time to enjoy just the experience of being with Addison.

When they arrived at the hotel, he checked them into their suite. “Your luggage has already been taken to your suite,” the clerk at the desk assured him, making Addison look at him curiously.

“I thought you might want a few of your things, and I knew we would be walking from the Prom, so I dropped it off earlier.”

She smiled at the thoughtfulness of the gesture. And when they entered the room, they were both drawn to the floor-to-ceiling windows showing off an amazing view of the city.

Derek’s arms circled his wife once again. “The city is beautiful,” he said, “but not as beautiful as you.”

Addison playfully slapped at him. “That’s pretty cheesy.”

“I am a cheesy kind of guy. A cheesy guy who loves his wife. I should also point out that I’m the guy who booked the suite with the fantastic supersized bathtub.”

Addison smiled seductively. “Do I have to share it?”

Twenty-five minutes later, Derek found himself floating lying in that very same tub with his very beautiful, very naked wife. He was a content man. Things weren’t perfect; they still had work to do. But they were better than they had been in a long, long time. The icing on the cake was that he had six-feet of gorgeous redheaded woman with endless legs sharing his tub.

He was drawn away from his musings about his wife’s physical attributes by her voice.

“Derek, what made you decide you could no longer be friends with Meredith?”

Derek was silent for a minute.

“Whatever it is, you can tell me. I promise. I just – I have to know. . . . I deserve to know.”

Derek recalled what Meredith had said and he decided to start there.

“I know you asked Mere if we were sleeping together again, and the answer to that question is unequivocally no, Addie. I promise. After you came to Seattle, that part of our relationship was over.”

Addison thought about it. She had had her suspicions, because they were both acting so . . . strained. They had both denied it, and she was going to take it on faith. Faith was a lot easier at this moment, with Derek's arms around her lending her strength and her memory of his recent declaration of love.

"OK," she signaled her belief. "Go on."

“But I guess, we weren’t really emotionally done. We hadn’t broken up on our own, and while we were apart Meredith was my way of dealing – or maybe better put not dealing – with all of my emotions about you and Mark and New York and everything. And so I didn’t really let her go, because to do so would have meant that I let you back in. And I was terrified, Addie. I was terrified to let you in. So I hung onto Meredith – as a kind of emotional shield.”

“But I’ve realized that that wasn’t fair to you, and it wasn’t fair to her. It wasn’t even fair to me. Because I need to put my energy, all of my energy into us, into you and me and our marriage. And Meredith needs to move on.”

“I guess while I couldn’t do that at first because I was scared to let you back in, and I didn’t even see that that was what I was doing, I know now that you are my heart. You are my love. Any shield that Meredith served as must have been cracked. Because – despite everything -- you reclaimed your rightful space in my heart and in my life. You earned back my trust, bit by bit. But to really heal, I needed to let go of Meredith and just deal with all of my emotions about you, Addie.”

“So that’s what tonight was about. It was about my decision to stop running and to choose you and love you.”

Addison was silent for a minute, and Derek was afraid that he hurt her yet again. Then she turned over in the tub, so they were lying chest to chest and she kissed him until he felt like his heart would explode inside his chest.

When their lips finally parted, she said, “I love you, too. . . . And I guess you’re going to get lucky after the Prom after all.”

Chapters 24 & 25

Sat, 29 Jul 2006 15:55:46 GMT

I had meant to update before this, but RL got in the way. For the record, the characters still ain't mine, and I still love feedback.

Chapter 24 of the neverending saga

****

“Derek?”

“Mmmhmmm?”

“You do realize that when we go back to Seattle, we’re taking this bathtub with us?”

Derek smiled and laughed, but he didn’t open his eyes. He was perfectly content to lie there covered by the water and the bubbles that smelled like the ocean into which they had scattered their divorce paper confetti earlier that evening. He had his wife in his arms, her body lying comfortably back against his.

“You don’t think the owners will notice if it’s missing?”

Addison just smiled.

When they had come back to the room at the end of their second full day in Victoria, she had made a bee line for the bathroom. She had observed out of the corner of her eye Derek’s evident amusement as he watched her fill the tub with steaming water and some more of the bubble bath Savvy had sent from New York. This was one was called simply Ocean, and so it felt like the right choice to end the day the Shepherds had just spent together.

The boat and the ocean and the stars had been wonderful; the destruction of the divorce papers had been phenomenal. However, both she and Derek were both freezing after their night out on the water. A hot bath would warm them up. Plus, she was taking advantage of the wonderful tub while she had it, before she had to go back to the cramped shower in the trailer.

To get Derek to join her, she had been forced to assure him once again that these bubbles would not make him smell too “girlie.” Although to be fair, his objections had fallen away when he watched Addie start to strip.

“Besides,” Derek added, “I don’t think we’ll have room for it in our luggage.”

As the Shepherds lay their content with each other and the moment, Derek began to think more and more about the sentiments Addison had expressed earlier that evening, about how she lived each day in Seattle in fear that he would change his mind and leave her for Meredith. That bothered him. And he noticed that when Addison talked about leaving Victoria and the B&B, she talked about going back “to Seattle” rather than home.

He realized that although the word choice was no doubt unintentional, it probably reflected her feelings. Addison had moved to Seattle for him. She would stay in Seattle for him. But it wasn’t home – at least not yet.

Richard had made her a great offer to lure her to Seattle Grace, but if Derek hadn’t given her and their marriage another chance he had no doubt that Addison would have said “thanks, but no thanks” to the professional opportunity and hopped the next flight back to New York. Her practice had been thriving there.

There, she would still live in the beautiful Brownstone they had shared or perhaps in a new place equally nice if she wanted to escape the memories. She would not live in a trailer. And if she went “home” to New York, she would still have her circle of friends and family, both inside and outside the hospital where they had worked. In Seattle, Addie had become friends with Miranda Bailey and maybe she was starting a real friendship with Izzie Stevens, but she had to be lonely.

Her life in Seattle, Derek admitted to himself, mostly revolved around him. Given how he had been acting, and given her expressed fears, that was not much of a life.

Derek vowed that it was time for a change. If Addison and Derek were going to stay in Seattle, as they were now both contractually bound to do, then it was time to construct a real life there together. They needed to make Seattle home the way New York had been.

As he had been thinking, Derek had unconsciously let his hands trace all the curves and planes of Addison’s body. She had felt his fingertips as they moved along the sides of her ribcage, down her arms, across her stomach, tracing patterns in the skin that he could easily reach. At first, the motion had been calming and peaceful, like the bath itself, but as Derek continued to mark random patterns in her skin, Addison was beginning to feel a different type of energy.

Without warning, Addie sat up, turned around and claimed her husband’s mouth with her own. Derek was startled out of his thoughts and into the moment, as he watched Addie stand up and step out of the tub.

“Where are you going?” He asked, his eyes unable to leave her nude form, still glistening from the water of the bath, some bubbles clinging to her in provocative parts, emphasizing some of his favorites of his wife’s attributes.

“To bed.” She replied.

“Are you tired?”

Addison grinned wickedly.

“Not in the least.”

********

Day three – their last full day in Victoria before they would have to return to Seattle – dawned cloudy and cool, with a hint of rain. The Shepherds slept in and relaxed.

They battled over the Sunday crossword puzzle during their scrumptious breakfast at the B&B. Derek lost a small wager with his wife during breakfast, after he failed to get three clues specially selected by Addie on said crossword puzzle.

As a result they were spending the morning shopping. Derek pretended to grumble, because it was expected, but in reality he was fine with it. He liked to watch Addison in her element, and it had been a long time since he’d seen the master shopper at work.

The stores of Victoria offered a plethora of alternatives – from antiques to art galleries, boutiques with clothing and jewelry stores, used book stores and even a toy shop. As they were not looking for anything particular, the Shepherds took them as they came.

Derek held Addison’s hand as they wandered through an antique store first. They looked and admired the furniture, and Derek could tell that the beautiful mahogany dining room table nestled near the back of the store had caught his wife’s eye. Truth be told, he liked it, too. But, of course, they didn’t have room for a dining room table in the trailer, so the matter was academic.

Store number two was a clothing boutique, and Derek claimed the chair designated for husbands and boyfriends as Addison began to pile up clothing to try on.

“Addie,” Derek warned, “if you’re not careful, we’re never going to make it past this store.”

“Derek,” she responded, “have you lost faith in my ability to shop efficiently?”

“Never,” he assured her.

He watched with a smile as she disappeared into the dressing room. She popped out minutes later with a green blouse on that fit her perfectly and complemented her eyes, and Derek assured her she should take it.

The second time Addie emerged from the dressing room – 10 minutes later, since his wife rarely bothered to show Derek things she’d decided to reject – she had on a black skirt that was modest enough for work but had a sexy slit up the side that showed off her legs to full advantage. Once again Derek assured her it was a winner. He didn’t share with her the elaborate fantasy about making love to her both in and out of the skirt that he developed once she went back into the dressing room to continue trying on clothes. A man had to entertain himself somehow.

When she emerged for the third time, she was wearing the clothes in which she had started the day. She had in her hand four garments – the green blouse, the black skirt, something in red, and something in blue. She kissed Derek and praised him for his patience.

“You didn’t show me these?” Derek observed, as Addie led him up to the counter so they could pay.

“Nope.” Addie smirked.

“So you want me to just buy them for you sight unseen?” Derek teased.

“I’m a doctor. I’ve got a few bucks. I can buy them myself,” Addie smiled. “Beside, where would the fun be if I showed you all my tricks ahead of time? If you want to see these on my body, you’re just going to have to take me out a couple times.”

“I see. . . . So this is just blackmail?”

“Think of it as incentive.”Addison smiled, and she gave him a quick but passionate kiss, as if to remind him what else might serve as incentive for taking her out on the town.

As they moved on to store number 3, a bookstore, Derek and Addison picked out together a couple of books for themselves and a present for Derek’s father’s birthday. The proprietor was helpful with recommendations, which was useful since Derek’s relationship with his alcoholic father was quite strained and they always had a difficult time buying him presents.

As they moved from store to store, Derek realized that he was having a good time. As they browsed, Addie stayed close to him, her hand usually either in his or else somewhere on his body. Even when she seemed to be engrossed in whatever purchase she was contemplating, he could feel her warmth, her affection, her love, and it made him feel good.

While they meandered through the next couple of stores, they also found a birthday present for his niece and a board game that they had never seen before. Derek just laughed when his competitive wife promised to whip his ass at the game, though neither of them yet knew the rules.

They hit a jewelry store but when Derek suggested that he should buy Addie something new, she just shook her head and pointed to the charm bracelet that she had worn every day of the trip.

“I think you’ve bought me enough presents lately,” she smiled, before pressing a soft kiss on his lips. When he suggested that she needed something special to remember this trip by, she shook her head again. “I’ve got everything I need to remember this trip right here with me,” she said, squeezing his hand.

Derek felt like an idiot when he realized five minutes later that what she meant was all she needed was him. He silently promised not to lose sight of that truth again.

Chapter 25

It was mid-afternoon by the time the Shepherds dropped off their packages at the B&B, grabbed a sandwich for a late lunch, and found their way back to the bench that had served as their makeshift therapy locale during their stay in Victoria.

They each claimed their respective spot on the bench, and then they sat there in silence for a minute.

"It's weird," Addison remarked. "It was so obvious that we needed to finally discuss Mark and Meredith – to just tell each other the whole truth so there would be no more secrets standing between us -- and now that we have it's almost like I don't know what to say. I mean, don't get me wrong, Derek, I know there's more to say, but it's such a relief to no longer have those big things, to not have any secrets."

Derek took his wife's hand in his, feeling safer and more secure with the physical connection before he began to talk.

"I have something I need to say," Derek paused for a moment, and then he looked Addison in the eye. "I think maybe I'm only now starting to realize how much I've put you through the last several months, particularly by continuing to interact so much with Meredith."

"That's on me, on my need to deal with my own guilt about hurting her, and my inability to properly end what she and I shared. And maybe I felt like I was getting some of my own back when I spent time with her, because I knew it bothered you and I was still so, so very angry about Mark. Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about this since our conversation yesterday and since our discussion on the boat when we ripped up the papers."

Addison watched Derek nervously, trying to figure out where exactly he was going with this speech. These conversations never went where she expected them to, and while they seemed to be accomplishing their purpose, that didn't mean that she didn't have a gigantic knot in her stomach throughout. She looked down at their handhold and let the fact that Derek had reached out to her physically signal to her that he was reaching out emotionally as well. A good thing, though it didn't make the knot go away.

"So I guess I have three things to say, that I need to just put out there. The first one is that I am sorry. I hurt you more than I ever intended to, more than I wanted to, and that is something I regret. Maybe I needed to get a little bit of revenge, or to hurt you back for hurting me, or just to test you to see if you really wanted, if you really loved me, and maybe I needed to find some way to resolve things with Meredith, but I didn't realize the extent of what I was doing to you in the process, Addison. And I am so sorry."

Derek looked at Addie and saw the tears come back into her eyes even as she smiled.

"Apology accepted," she said softly.

Derek laid a hand against her cheek as he wiped the escaping tears away, but her eyes continued to glisten.

"The second thing is that I love you. I love you. I want to be married to you and only you. I am not going to wake up tomorrow or any other day and change my mind."

"I know we're going to fight, because, well, you're a redhead and I'm me," at that Addison gave a laugh and Derek smiled back at her before continuing, "and we're both stubborn and strong-willed, and sometimes we've even been known to fight dirty and stay mad for a while. But I don't want you to think that because we're fighting or angry or because I'm having a conversation with Meredith at the hospital or for any other reason that I'm going to change my mind."

"I love you. I'm committed to you. And when we're 89 and have no teeth and I have no hair, you're still going to be stuck with me."

Addison smiled again at the image, and Derek's heart twisted when Addison smiled.

"And I know – I know – that maybe the only way to prove that to you is just to keep being there, but I needed to say it, too. Because you've already proven it to me, with your ability to stay with me through all the craziness since you came to Seattle. And I appreciate it more than you know."

Addie nodded. "And the third thing?"

"The third thing is that I forgive you – for Mark. I needed to say that outright. I can't promise to forget, because that's probably impossible. But after everything that we've been through together and apart, the least I can do is understand and forgive."

"I forgive you, too, Derek."

"Really?" There was a note of doubt in his voice – doubt caused by his own fairly recent appreciation of the depth of his crimes against Addison.

"Like you, I can't promise to forget. There will probably always be a little bit of scar tissue when it comes to Meredith, even after the wound heals, just like there'll always be a scar for you when it comes to Mark. A different kind of scar in my case maybe, but a scar nonetheless. But I love you, I want my life with you, and I can and do forgive you."

"But," Addison smiled reassuringly at Derek when he jumped at the word 'but,' "I think to really fix what went wrong, we do have to talk about what happened before. Because Mark and Meredith were the symptoms, they weren't the root of the problem."

"I know," Derek said. "I've come to realize that I was the root of the problem."

"No," Addison said, shaking her heard. "Marriage is a two-way street. We were both the root of the problem. You don't get to martyr yourself, and take all of the blame or the responsibility for the state of our marriage in New York. We both made mistakes. We both took each other for granted. We both forgot to make time for what was most important, for each other."

"And then one day I realized that we had lost each other. And I got scared. I didn't know what to do. And that's when I made the mistake with Mark."

"I wish," Derek said, "that I could point to one decision, one mistake, and say that's where things went wrong. And I'll never do it again. The problem is that there wasn't one mistake. We had lots of small mistakes, lots of times when I stayed at the hospital maybe longer than I needed to, lots of times when we forgot to take each other into account."

"We both," Addison jumped in, "were busy trying to build our careers. I think for a while that made things easy for us. We were med students together, we were residents together. It was only when we started to specialize, when our time together was no longer built into our training that we started to let go. We both had our own individual certifications and mentors and patients, and it wasn't so easy to catch lunch or a nap together in the on call room or whatever."

"And because it had never been difficult before, we never really thought about working at it, to keep our relationship there. And I'm as responsible for that as you are, Derek. This isn't a contest to see who's more responsible or who screwed up worse. We both did."

Addie reached up and wiped away her own tears this time.

"What matters now is that we're both really trying to fix it, to be honest, to be committed, and to love each other."

After Addison finished, they both sat there silently. Neither one of them wanted to rehash the specific times that they had screwed up. The forgotten occasions. The time they went three days without seeing each other even though they were working in the same hospital. The arguments they never resolved and just allowed to build up into an underlying resentment that was easier to let be than to address.

They each had a list, although Derek was sure Addison's was much longer, of slights.

"I have an idea."

Addison raised an eyebrow at Derek's pronouncement.

"I think we should take our break, and we should each make a list."

"What kind of list?" Addison asked.

"A list of promises. Things we can do in Seattle to avoid making the same mistakes we made in New York . . . . Tonight we can talk about our lists and put some safeguards in place so that we don't fall back into our old bad habits."

***

Derek found himself back at the beach, near the same spot where he had been lost in thought just two days earlier after hearing Addison’s account of her affair with Mark. He thought about how far he and Addie had come in discussing their problems. He also recalled the less serious moments of the weekend – making love, battling over the crossword puzzle, shopping, hiking.

The time together away from work had done wonders to restore the Shepherds’ connection with each other. It had been a long time since they focused on each other. It had been a long time since he felt so much trust in his relationship with Addison.

Derek knew that more than anything he wanted – no, he needed – to ensure that he and Addison never fell apart again.

When Addison first walked back into his life in Seattle, playing the part of the wicked witch of the east, Derek guarded his heart. When he came to Seattle, Derek had shut Addison out of his heart and his life in order to survive. At her return, Derek was terrified that if he let her back in, if he forgave her, gave her a genuine chance, that he would lose himself again in his love for her. If that happened, and they fell apart a second time, he didn’t think there would be any way for him to survive.

Addison had stuck around anyway, showing her remarkable determination and will and her endless capacity to love him, even when he was being a first-class asshole, and had proven to him that she was worth that chance.

And slowly, Addison had crept back into his heart simply by being her strong, resilient, loving, amazing self, when he was busy looking the other way – looking at Meredith. Despite everything, Addison was back in his heart.

Addison was his heart.

So Derek pulled out the piece of paper and pen he had for his list. The focus of his list would be, he knew, things he could do to ensure that Addison always knew that he loved her, so that she would never feel like she couldn’t reach him – that he wasn’t there for her -- the way she had felt in New York.

1. Weekends away together – at least once every six months. Next time, Vancouver?

2. A real vacation – at least a week somewhere far away. Paris?

3. Seasons tickets to the local repertory theater.

4. Always wake the other when get in late/leave early.

5. Lunch together at hospital whenever possible.

6. Date nights – once a week?

7. Talk!!! Regular sessions like on this trip?

8. Call if stuck at hospital.

9. Surprises. Lots of salmon scrubs and peach roses.

10. If 12 hours pass and haven’t kissed wife – way too long. Drop everything and fix situation immediately.

Looking at the last item on his list made Derek want to kiss Addison now. He looked at his watch and realized there was probably a chunk of time before she’d be back at the B&B, so he headed back into historic Victoria to take care of something he’d promised himself that he’d do.

*****

As usual, Addison chose to remain in town while contemplating what she and Derek had shared. This had been the best conversation yet, for she and Derek were able to focus on the root cause of their problems rather than simply on the affairs that they had after wrecking their marriage on the rocks of indifference, inattentiveness, and absence.

They hadn’t rehashed every little thing, but the conversation nevertheless had brought back to Addison the memories of that painful time in New York when she could not figure out how and why she had lost her husband or what she needed to do to get him back.

And now, now they were creating safeguards to see that situation never occurred again. Positive. Forward-looking goals. Toward building their life together. Now it was about them – Derek and Addison. The Shepherds.

Addison pulled out a piece of paper from her bag to work on her list. Like Derek, she wanted a strong list with a plan for the future to prevent a relapse into their estrangement in New York. And she wanted to finish in time to make a quick stop to pick up something on her way to the B&B.

But, first things first. What could she do different this time around? What would make her and Derek stay happy together? Ultimately, she had learned that marriage was a process, it was a commitment, it was about two people both making the effort.

She began to write:

1. More weekends like this one. No pagers

2. Talk. Scream if need be, but don’t let things go out of fear about what Derek will say. Be strong.

3. Tell Derek you love him. Lots.

4. Surprises to make Derek happy. Very sexy lingerie. Caffeine.

5. Take ferry together whenever possible. Travel to/from work together as much as possible. Wait for each other.

6. Explore Seattle together. Make it home.

7. Walk Doc together sometimes.

8. Go back to salmon scrubs permanently.

9. Romantic dinners for two.

Addison paused for a moment before she wrote down the tenth item, but then she figured it was worth talking about no matter what. The tenth item was something she and Derek had to at least have a conversation about, before they waited too long for a conversation to matter.

10. Baby?

C&F, Chapter 22-23

Mon, 17 Jul 2006 05:31:18 GMT

I'm making my way back to this story now that I've finished the Grey's Anatomy summer three sentences challenge, which was tons of fun. Anyway, I figured it would be a good time to repost a couple more chapters.

Disclaimer: Still really, really not mine. No profit. But I have considered plotting a takeover.

Chapter 22

Addison Shepherd took a deep breath.

She had taken almost every minute of her three hours, as she wandered aimlessly around Victoria, to process everything Derek had said, about her and about Meredith and perhaps most importantly about himself, his feelings, emotions, and thought processes as he dealt with her affair, had one of his own, and ultimately chose Addison over Meredith.

It had been a hard three hours, just as it had been a difficult conversation before that.

But it had been worth it.

For the first time, Addison felt she understood a little more of what her husband had been thinking and feeling for the past several months, why he had acted the way he had, why he had been so torn between her and Meredith.

She wasn’t as nervous about returning to the B&B today, even after listening to Derek explain what Meredith meant to him, as she had been the day before when she had been terrified that Derek wouldn’t show up at all, after hearing her explain why she had turned to Mark and what had happened in New York after he fled for Seattle.

What little terror remained had no logical basis. It was the lingering remnant, the ghost of the marital issues the Shepherds still sought to put to rest.

Addie knew that.

When she could separate her heart from her head, she knew that Derek would be there. He had already chosen her. They were going through all of this in an effort to rebuild, to become what they once were – or even better. Derek had done nothing for a few days straight but show her how committed he was, how much he loved her, how much he wanted a new and better life with her.

Sadly, logic never fully governed terror.

Listening to Derek talk about Meredith, about the empty space another woman had filled in her husband’s life, it had hurt.

She didn’t like this about herself. Her newfound lack of confidence in herself, her husband, her marriage. Once upon a time, there had been no lack of certainty in relationship with Derek.

But life – and mistakes on both their parts – had shaken that confidence, that certainty. His in her, and hers in him.

As far as Addie was concerned, it didn’t change the underlying love, her belief that Derek was her soulmate, and her life mate, her desire for her husband and her marriage. But the pain on both sides had shaken the confidence, the certainty, the trust.

After all that they’d been through, she felt like she ought to be able to be confident, to be sure. But she just hadn’t made it to that point yet.

She was working on it.

Ironically, with all the times that she had asked Derek for his forgiveness, she had never really thought about how to forgive him.

She had pushed her own hurts to the side, as realistically she needed to if she wanted to pursue her own marriage, but the conversations of the past couple days had brought them to the forefront.

The hurts in New York, when Derek forgot about her, forgot to care about her, forgot to love her.

And the hurts in Seattle, when he continued to pursue Meredith.

Addison knew in her heart she could forgive Derek for almost anything if she could just understand. After all, it’s not as if she was blameness, and he had forgiven her. She was almost certain of that.

After today, she understood Derek’s fixation on Meredith much better than she had before. And she was able to forgive that.

Not forget, but forgive.

It helped that she felt as well that Meredith also had accepted her place in Derek’s life. Meredith had offered to deliver a gift from Derek to her. That had to be a sign that Meredith was, if not at peace, at least working toward being at peace with having both Derek and Addison in her life at least as friendly colleagues, if not as actual friends.

But Addison still had questions, unanswered worries, and they as a couple still had more to deal with.

Nevertheless, Addison told herself as she climbed the steps of the B&B, they had made progress.

For the first time ever, they had been able to really discuss Meredith, discuss the time in their lives between Derek finding her with Mark and her confronting Derek in Seattle, and also Derek’s continued preoccupation with Meredith long after he had chosen Addie.

And despite her lingering fear, Addie was pretty sure that her husband would be at the B&B any minute – if he hadn’t beaten her there.

Sure enough, when she opened the door to their room, she found her husband lying on the bed, reading a copy of The DaVinci Code. He put the book down on the bed and smiled at her as she entered.

“Are you OK?” Derek could see the remnants of the tears that he knew, even before he saw her, that she had shed while they had been apart.

Addison gave him a weak smile as she crossed the room and sat on the bed with him.

“It’s hard,” she admitted. “But I am. . . or I will be. . . so long as you’re here and I’m here. . . . I know what we’re doing is right, that we’re tackling our problems the way we need to, but it’s so hard, Derek.”

“I love you, Addie.”

It’s amazing what four little words can do.

After almost 15 years together, after everything they’d been through, after everything they’d discussed, Addison still felt her heart speed up at those four little words.

Maybe their effect was strengthened because although Derek had been saying them regularly for the past three days, he hadn’t said the for almost a year before that.

“I love you, too, Derek.”

With her response, Derek moved the book off the bed and leaned forward to cover her mouth with his. It began as a kiss of reassurance, of love, less sexual and more comforting. Derek’s hand reached up and touched her face as if to wipe away the tears that she had shed while they were apart.

When he pulled away, he looked her in the eye, as if to confirm that she was really there and really OK.

And he thought to himself how beautiful she was.

Addison had a million shades, a million moods, a million styles. But this – Addison open and vulnerable, showing him how she felt – was the most beautiful Addison to Derek. She was vulnerable; she was honest; she was courageous; and those qualities were just reflected in the gorgeous features of her face – especially in her eyes.

How, Derek wondered for the millionth time, had he forgotten to see his amazing wife. He vowed never to forget again.

He leaned forward to capture her lips again, letting his right hand come to the back of her head and pull her toward him. This time the kiss was less comfort and more desire. As one hand became entangled in Addison’s curls, the other one sought the warmth and intimacy of her skin as their tongues tangled and their heartbeats started to rise in unison.

They parted only long enough to divest themselves of their clothing, each assisting the other in an increasingly more frantic search for skin. It was as if they couldn’t get close enough together to reassure each other that they were present and they were loved. They touched and tasted, caressed and cared for each other. They came together in a combination of passion and tenderness and love.

In the aftermath, Derek reached down to the bottom of the bed and retrieved the sheets and blanket they had kicked free. He laid back and pulled Addison against him, so she was lying with her head on his chest and he was holding her close.

“I love you, Addison,” he confirmed again, as one hand continued to trace random patterns on her back.

She could feel the touch and the love and affection it conveyed. And she raised her head to bestow a soft kiss on Derek’s lips.

“I love you, too.”

Their second evening in Victoria found Addison and Derek on a nighttime cruise along the coastline.

It was chilly outside, so they had pulled out their jeans and sweaters for the evening. They braved the night on deck for the most part, going inside only long enough for dinner. The view was spectacular, the lights of the coast and the stars up above illuminating the waves and the beach and the houses that dotted the coastline of British Columbia.

Derek loved boats.

And he loved Addison.

So for him, the night was just two great things that went great together.

As he stood at the railing, his arms wrapped around his wife, rubbing her, keeping her warm, feeling her body lean back against his, he tried to remember when he was last so content.

This was the first time in years that he and Addison had taken time away to just focus on them. It was long overdue, and it made him realize how neglected their marriage had been in New York. They were constantly fighting to climb up the medical ladder – from med student to intern to resident to chief resident. Specializations. It never stopped.

The hours kept getting longer and longer; they took each other for granted.

Him more than Addie, Derek admitted to himself, though they both had their moments where work trumped their personal life.

But this afternoon, when Addie had come back after their mandatory break, they had made love. Then they had napped, wrapped in each others' arms. Peaceful. Content. Loved. Relaxed.

Derek felt recharged.

With each moment of the weekend, he was more and more certain that he had made the right choice, to rebuild his marriage and his life with the beautiful woman in his arms.

He had confirmed that to Addison the night before when they re-exchanged their vows in a private ceremony atop a lighthouse.

Derek had one more thing he wanted to do.

Derek pulled away from Addison a little bit so he could turn her around and claim her lips. She put up no objection, surrendering fully to the kiss. When he pulled away, she groaned her protest.

Derek leaned his forehead against Addison's.

"What's up, Derek? I can hear those wheels in your brain turning. You're supposed to be enjoying your boat ride."

"I am. . . . But there's something I want to do."

Addie grinned lasciviously. "You know there's something I want to do, too." She pulled Derek's body close to hers for emphasis.

"I'm being serious here for a moment."

"I thought we were going to only be serious in the afternoons."

"We were serious last night, right? And that made you happy."

"Oh, all right," Addison pretended to pout. "If you'd rather be serious, I guess we can do that."

"So I brought with something that we've had for a while . . . that's bad karma, I feel like. And I think we should get rid of 'em here."

"What are you talking about?"

Derek reached into his pocket and pulled out some a folded square of papers and handed it to Addison.

She frowned in confusion as she opened it. And then she frowned even harder when she recognized what it was, and she took a step back away from him. She felt the tears come unbidden.

"Why are you carrying around our divorce papers?"

Derek took a step forward after her and put his arms back around her, to reestablish his physical and emotional connection with his wife. It was hard to believe that she could be feeling insecure after what they had been doing for the past two days, but he could hear it in her voice.

It demonstrated how deep the fissures in their marriage had been, and how much they still needed to do to rebuild.

This weekend was only a beginning, he reminded himself. They couldn't remedy years of problems -- of absence and its consequences -- in three or four days.

"I'm not carrying them around all the time, or anything like that. . . . I brought them here so we could ceremonially destroy them. We didn't sign them, but we never got rid of them. They were just sitting there – like an invitation for one of us to sign them and leave at any time. . . . They need to be gone. I don't want that out; I don't believe you do either. I want to remove their shadow from our lives."

"So you brought them on vacation with us?"

Addie’s voice held a note of disbelief, and Derek struggled to keep from reacting on the defensive. He hadn’t realized how the presence of the papers themselves would affect his wife.

Just the sight of the divorce papers brought Addison back to that moment months earlier when she had reached inside herself for all the bravura she could find and handed the papers to Derek with a promise to sign them if he did first.

The biggest and scariest gamble of her life.

"I brought them so we could find the right way to get rid of them,” Derek’s voice was soft and steady, and his hands continued to rub Addison’s back, to remind her subtly that he was there with her, for her. “Not just throw them away, but something to symbolize that we're never going to get that close to the edge again. . . . First I was thinking that we should burn them, but now I think that we should rip them into tiny little bits and then let the wind blow them away."

Addison stepped away again, and Derek frowned. He didn’t like that Addison was trying to distance herself from him physically.

"What are you thinking?"

"I just. . . . Don't get me wrong," Addison reached up and wiped away the tears building at the corners of her eyes. "I have no objection to us destroying these papers in any way you would like. But just seeing them brings back these emotions, and I can't help but be scared."

"Of what? I think I've proven that I have no interest in divorcing you, Addie." Derek tried hard, but he couldn’t keep a note of frustration from entering his voice.

"My head knows that. . . . But my heart, my heart still has a hard time believing. . . . I know it's not rational, Derek, but it's there."

She reached up and laid her palm against his face. He looked in her eyes and he could see the pain.

It was real. It was honest. Addie was showing him everything she had been forced to cover up just to get through each day in Seattle. And she had reestablished their physical connection, lessening just slightly the knot that had developed in his gut.

"I don't think you really understand what the last several months have been like for me. Every day, waking up, wondering if this was the day that you would decide that you made a mistake, that you really wanted Meredith, not me. That you couldn't forgive me. That you should sign these papers.”

“Every day, seeing you smile or laugh with Meredith or exchange intimate looks in the elevator and wondering when one of those conversations was going to rekindle your romance and leave me all alone, stuck in Seattle, with no friends and no husband. Every day. . . . The feeling in the pit of my stomach when you handed me back the papers, before I realized that you hadn't signed them. . . . I've lived with that for months. It doesn't magically vanish."

Derek pulled his wife in close to him, taking her hand in his and placing it over his heart. He placed a light kiss on her forehead and thought for a few seconds before he spoke. He wanted to say the right thing.

"You're right, Addie. I didn't really appreciate what I was doing to you. I was so caught up in my own pain, and my own anger, and my own guilt that I couldn't see you. . . . For that, I'm sorry. I can't change the past -- not in New York, not in Seattle.”

“But what we can do is change the future. I love you. I am committed to you. I want us to rip up these divorce papers and enjoy the rest of our weekend and go home to Seattle and build our life together there.”

At his words, the tears fell; Addison couldn’t hold them back anymore. She leaned forward to press her lips to his for a moment. When they parted, Derek continued talking.

“If it bothers you still that I talk to Meredith, I won’t anymore. We just won’t be friends with her. I won’t work with her.”

Addison shook her head.

“We don’t need to stop being friends with her, and it wouldn’t be fair to her professionally not to work with you. She’s a general surgical resident; she needs the neurosurgery experience.”

“There are other neurosurgeons on staff.”

Addison shook her head again.

“I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you made that offer, but we’re just going to have to find an equilibrium of co-existence with Meredith. The happier we are, the more solid we are, the less I’ll feel that pit in my stomach when I see you together. It’s already less than it once was, and eventually it’ll fade away altogether.”

Derek marveled at the strength and character of his wife. He knew that he couldn’t handle seeing her with Mark again, even as friends, and he vowed to limit his own contact with Meredith, regardless of what she had said. Or to include Addison, so she would know that nothing untoward was going on.

“I’m sorry that the divorce papers made me flip out,” Addie apologized, wiping away the remnants of the tears that she had finally controlled.

“I’m not,” Derek assured her.

“You like me weeping?”

“No. But I like us communicating. Being honest. How can I understand how you felt if you don’t tell me? This is how we deal with the hurts, together, honestly. This is how we rebuild.”

Addie smiled.

“So do you get to rip them up, or should I?” she asked, the papers still in one hand.

Derek took the papers from his wife and ripped them in half. He handed one half back to her.

“We should do it together.”

So each Shepherd ripped their half of the divorce papers up into shreds. Then they held their hands up in the air and let the wind carry the tiny pieces away.

Derek wrapped his arms back around his wife as they watched the wind blow the small white tatters of paper into the distance.

Addie turned around within her husband’s embrace, so that she could look Derek in the eye and smile.

“You were right,” she said, leaning in for a quick kiss, a promise. “That did feel good.”

The End of a Very Bad Day, continued

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 01:21:04 GMT

Chapter 4: Continuing Cloudy Skies

Bailey was staring at the surgery schedule, contemplating her next chance to get in the OR, when she saw Derek Shepherd sauntering toward her, a devilish grin on his face.

“So I heard you got your mojo back.”

Bailey leveled a glare at him.

“Do you mean to suggest that I ever lost it?”

“Yes, I mean you cried in surgery. . . .”

As Bailey’s glare intensified, suddenly Derek realized his mistake.

“I mean, no, of course, not. Nobody and nothing could ever take your mojo away. Your mojo is clearly indestructible and all powerful.”

Then he thought perhaps a diversionary tactic might be in order.

“I mean, the Chief. . . .”

“Don’t you talk to me about the Chief. . . . He’s a dead man walking. . . . And, for the record, my mojo is fully intact and fully capable of shoving your mojo where the sun don’t shine.”

“Yes, Dr. Bailey,” Derek decided a real change in subject in my order. “Actually, I was hoping to talk to you about a couple of things.”

“Yes?”

“First, I was wondering if you and Tucker have plans Friday night. The weather’s supposed to be good and Addie and I are both not on call, so I figured we could have a little barbecue with friends.”

“I’m not on call either. Let me talk to Tucker, but I think that’d be good. It’s hard to remember sometimes that normal people actually socialize with people outside the hospital.”

“Well, we’re surgeons. By definition, we’re not normal. But, yeah. Sometimes I miss New York just because we lived there so long we had real friends, not just colleagues. We actually knew people outside the hospital. And I know Addie misses that. I do, too. So I thought we should work harder at cultivating our friendships here.”

“Who else are you planning to invite?”

“I’m thinking Burke, but there’s sort of the odd matter of Christina, because I’m not sure if she’d be comfortable hanging out with all of us, but on the other hand I don’t know and I know after yesterday that we have no interest in inviting all your interns. . . . I’m going to have to talk to Addie about it. . . .”

********

Izzie had collected the newest round of test results for Beth Winters and tracked down Addison to an on-call room. She knocked, to be on the safe side, and when she heard Addison say to come in, she opened the door.

“It’s me, Dr. Shepherd. You wanted these results from the bloodwork and the other tests on Mrs. Winters?”

As Izzie came further into the room, she saw that Addison was – well, she didn’t look the happy Addison Shepherd with whom Izzie had started out the morning.

She wasn’t crying, but she had that look that one gets when she is doing everything she can to cover up that she might. Izzie knew that look.

Sometimes Izzie thought she was the poster child for that look.

“Dr. Shepherd, is everything OK?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine. It’s just, just been a long couple of days. . . . So what have you got for me?”

Izzie didn’t feel she could press. While she liked Addison Shepherd a lot, she was never entirely comfortable with her, as a result of the whole Meredith and Derek relationship.

They just don’t make Hallmark cards for relationships where your roommate is the ex-girlfriend/mistress of your boss’s husband. Although, Izzie realized with the exception of the one time Dr. Shepherd had called her on the use of the nickname “McDreamy,” generally she didn’t bring up their personal relationships, odd and twisted though they were, at the hospital.

As Addison perused the test results, Izzie let her mind wander back to her future in the program. She had gone from a few months ago being asked by Dr. Shepherd to specialize in neonatal to being almost threatened with expulsion for becoming romantically interested in Denny. This was a downward trajectory that needed to end.

More and more, Izzie had been wondering if she had made a mistake in not taking Addison Shepherd up on her offer.

She enjoyed neonatal, working with the mothers and their new babies. She thought she could be really good at it. And Dr. Shepherd was generally, notwithstanding her now extremely acrimonious relationship with Alex, a good boss and a good teacher.

But now clearly wasn’t the time to be asking about moving up in the world; first, Izzie knew she had to get back on Bailey’s good side.

She wondered if Bailey liked brownies? Or chocolate chip cookies?

**********

Derek was off on a quest to find his wife, when he instead ended up in an elevator with Meredith Grey.

He wasn’t sure how to say what he wanted to say to Meredith, so he let her start the conversation. He was rather annoyed with her at the moment, and he thought it probably showed.

Meredith was no happier than Derek to be caught in the elevator with her ex. She remembered the look in his eyes the night before, when he had arrived at Finn’s place and found her there.

“You don’t get to do this, you know.”

“Do what?”

“Disapprove. . . . Not as my friend, and not as my not friend. It’s none of your business.”

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t give me that. You know exactly what I’m talking about. You don’t get to approve or disapprove about who I date.”

“I’m not.”

“I saw the look you gave me last night.”

“Last night . . . last night was the end of a very long day. . . . A day that included waiting around for an operation that I never performed. A day made much longer by the fact that neither you nor any of your friends know how to keep your mouth shut, whether around each other or around patients, whether personally or professionally. A day that ended with me rushing our nearly catatonic dog to the vet again. Where, though I knew you were going to date him, I didn’t really expect to see you half-naked. . . . So, whatever it is that you thought you saw, whatever inappropriate reaction you thought I had, I’m sorry.”

“You don’t get to pick your wife, have sex with your wife, bad or otherwise, and then be mad at me for moving on.”

“Look, will I admit to a flash of jealousy. We were involved; it's never easy to watch someone you care about move on. But I picked Addison. And I have realized that I made the right choice because I love Addison. . . .”

“And, for the record," Derek continued, "since you and the rest of the hospital, thanks to you, seems to be so concerned, last night I had amazingly hot sex with Addison."

"You absolutely have the right to move on, to date anyone you want, and Dr. Dandridge seems like a great guy from the little I know. Or at least a great vet. And I honestly do hope you’ll be very happy together.”

With that, the elevator doors opened and Derek rushed out to continue his quest.

******

Having been tipped off by Izzie – at least this time her gossip was for good – about the decline in his wife’s mood and her decision to leave the hospital for lunch, Derek was pretty sure that he knew where to find her.

When Addison needed to think, she headed for the nearest viewfinder.

On his way to the viewfinder, he stopped and bought a batch of pretty mixed floral bouquet. He wasn’t sure what had prompted the decline in her mood, though he figured it was probably the professional aftermath of yesterday’s surgery, and he figured the flowers couldn’t help but me a good pick-me-up. He just wanted to make Addie smile.

Sure enough, as he neared the viewfinder, he could see Addison.

She was facing away from him, staring out at the view, but he would know the legs coming out of that skirt and the flaming red hair anywhere.

“I heard a rumor that the most beautiful, smart, amazing woman was hanging out here and I just had to come see if she might let me buy her lunch.”

Addison jumped when she heard Derek come up behind her. When she turned, she knew he was going to be able to tell that there was something really wrong. There was no way to wipe away her tears – and no escape. So she turned.

When Derek saw Addison’s tears, he instantly knew that Addison’s mood wasn’t about Alex Karev. Addison cared about her work, but things like that made her angry. And he knew she hadn’t lost a patient, because he would have heard.

Derek simply had no idea what was wrong.

But he knew what he had to do.

Before he even said anything, he pulled her tightly into his embrace.

“Whatever it is, Addie, I promise it’s going to be OK,” Derek whispered, holding her even tighter as she began to sob harder. “I love you, and whatever it is, we’ll make it better.”

Chapter 5: The Eye of the Storm

Derek Shepherd was a very, very confused man.

As he held his wife in his arms as she sobbed, he could do nothing more than hold her and stroke her and give her platitudes.

Because he had no idea what was wrong.

And, thus, no idea how to fix it.

He hated to see Addie cry, especially like this. Like she was heartbroken. Like her world was coming to an end.

But it made no sense to him, because when he had left his slumbering wife in their bed very, very, very early this morning, everything had been good. Better than good. It had been great, fantastic, stupendous, for the first time in so long. They had really come together as a couple the night before, first physically and then just by talking, by sharing their lives the way they used to.

So what the hell had happened?

When he finally heard Addison’s tears slow, her breath become more steady, he finally loosened his grip enough to be able to look his wife in the eyes.

“Do you want to tell me what this is all about?”

As she had sobbed, Addison had thought about the irony. Here, she was sure Derek was about to break her heart and yet he had found her, had brought her flowers, and now was holding her while she cried.

And, yet, when she thought back to what she now knew, that he had come to her the night before only after seeing Meredith with another, her heart broke anew.

She knew she had to figure out the truth.

Addison or Meredith – whom did Derek really want? Whom did he really love?

Although how she was going to handle things if the answer was Meredith, she had no idea.

But she had to know.

When her tears finally slowed and Derek pulled away a little bit to ask the obvious question, she knew she had to respond with a question of her own.

“Derek, tell me, what made you decide to come home to me last night?”

“What?”

“I just, I need you to be honest with me. 100 percent honest. Don’t hold back anything, even if you think it might hurt me. I just . . . I just need to know what was in your head, what changed, what made you come back to the trailer wanting to jump me in the shower?”

“What? Why does this matter? I don’t understand, Addie.”

“Please. Humor me. Just tell me everything, what you were thinking yesterday, what you were feeling. Everything that happened. And don’t leave anything . . . or anyone . . . out.”

All of the sudden the picture in Derek’s head went from complete static to at least the fuzzy outlines of a picture. He didn’t know exactly what Addie knew, or thought she knew, but he knew that what, or more properly, who, had her upset was Meredith Grey.

He led Addison to the nearest bench and they sat down together. Derek kept Addison’s hand in his own, not letting her pull it away when she initially tried to separate herself from him.

“OK. But for the record, I love you. I picked you. I want you. And, whatever I did to make you this upset, we’re going to find a way to fix it.”

Addie knew that if the reality was there Derek wanted Meredith – still – there was no way to fix it, but she nodded anyway to encourage him to start.

“Well, I think it started yesterday morning. I promised you that we were going to have non-boring, hot sex, but then the phone rang. And I told you it was about the dog – which, it was."

"But you grabbed the phone and started talking about how we were trying to have decent sex. . . . What you didn’t know was that it was Meredith, and not Finn Dandridge, on the other end of the line.”

“Why didn’t you tell me it was Meredith in the first place? I never would have said that. . . .”

“I know you wouldn't have. When she first called, I didn’t tell you it was Meredith because I didn’t want her in bed with us, metaphorically speaking, of course. Especially just then, when, we weren’t exactly making love the way we used to. . . . I didn’t want a fight, or to make the situation uncomfortable. . . . And, once you had grabbed the phone, I just laughed. I figured Mere would say something, but when she didn’t, I didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t want to upset you. I’m only telling you now because it ended up substantially affecting my day.”

“So, anyway, when I got to work, like I told you last night, my patient was this crazy divorce lawyer. And Stevens and O’Malley, in the course of spending their day with her, kept essentially suggesting to her that we were headed for a divorce."

"First, they just implied it when she asked if any of us needed her services – she said they had a look. And, then, apparently they shared with her gossip they’d learned from Meredith about our morning and the fact that we apparently had lousy sex. ”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh. . . . I wonder how George would feel if we went around talking to patients about the last time his sex wasn’t so hot. But anyway, so I ended spending most of the day thinking about us, about our marriage, about where we had been, and where we were going. I never for one nano-second considered the attorny’s offer. I had no doubt that I did not want a divorce. . . . ”

“And, the divorce attorney said something about how some people come to her saying the conversation’s great, but the sex isn’t, or sometimes the bad sex is a result of our issues, and all I kept thinking was about how hard we’ve both been working to overcome our issues.”

“I came to this conclusion: sometimes bad sex is just bad sex. When you’ve been together 12 years, every once in a while you have to have an off morning or an off night. And I kept thinking that I just wanted to make it up to you – and maybe to prove to us that we are as hot together now as we ever were.”

”And that’s why you came home like a man on a mission?” Addie’s heart was breaking. If Derek couldn’t even tell her about seeing Meredith and Finn Dandridge together, then they were both in denial about the future of their marriage.

“That’s most of it, but there’s one more thing I have to tell you. I don’t know quite how to say this, because I know it is going to sound bad, so I need you to promise to wait until I say everything I have to say before you respond. You have to hear me out.”

Derek reached up and wiped a few more tears from Addie’s cheek before she nodded.

“So last night I took Doc, because he was totally out of it when I got home, to the vet and when I got there, Meredith was there.”

Addie’s heart started beating faster. She knew that whatever Derek said about seeing Meredith was going to make or break her.

“She was wearing just one of his shirts and I guess he lives above his clinic, because she was coming down the stairs. And I was surprised to see her there. Especially when it was clear from her attire that they were intimately involved, and though she had said something about telling Dandridge that she and I were merely friendly co-owners of the dog, I just hadn’t figured things would progress that quickly. Though I don’t know why not, since Meredith is always jumping into bed with men. After all, that's how we started.”

“Anyway, I will admit to still caring about Meredith, and seeing her like that with someone else was a shock and maybe I was a little bit jealous, Addie, but that was not the reason I came home to you. I was not using you as a replacement for Meredith, or to get revenge on Meredith, or for anything else.”

“Maybe seeing Meredith fueled one small part of my urgency last night, but it was nothing compared to the thoughts I had already been thinking all day, and it was nothing compared to the sight of you when I walked through the door of the trailer.”

“The sight of me?” Addie whispered.

“You should have seen yourself, Addison. You were all fiery and frustrated and angry, the drink in your hand. You were taking off your nylons and your legs were all long and sexy, and all I could think about was that I wanted them wrapped around me. Right that minute. All I could think about was how much I wanted you, how much I needed you.”

Addison looked at him.

“Was I just a substitute for Meredith?”

“No. 100 percent, no. A long time ago, I could have chosen Meredith. When I was deliberating over the divorce papers you had handed me, Meredith asked me to. She actually said, ‘pick me.’ But I couldn’t do it. Because she wasn’t you."

"And since the day I met you, Addie, you’ve been my other half. We’ve made mistakes and we’ve hurt each other, but even when things were at the worst, it hurt because that was still true. You are my other half.”

“You were never a substitute for Meredith. Not last night. Not ever. . . . If anything, she was a substitute for you.”

“When we fell apart, when I saw you with Mark, it was like there was this whole big piece of me that was just gone. I was like a man missing several crucial internal organs. And, Meredith, though I wasn’t really looking for it, she was like a life support system to me. She worked for a while, but honestly even if you had never come back after me, I’m not sure if we would have worked for long. Because eventually, even on life support, the patient dies if you can’t fix what is wrong. Meredith couldn’t begin to fix what was wrong, because she didn’t have any information with which to even begin a diagnosis. She didn’t know about you. She doesn’t know anything about my family, our past.”

“She would have learned.” Addison interjected. “And then maybe she could fix you better than I can. Because she doesn’t have wounds of her own.”

“Maybe this is egotistical, but I have no doubt that if I really wanted Meredith, if I really loved her, I could still go after her, woo her away Dandridge or whomever, convince her to forgive me, to give me another chance. . . . While I cared about her and still care about her, and while I may have had a flash of jealousy last night when I saw her with Dandridge, I have no desire to do that because I love you."

"Seeing Meredith with someone else doesn't make me move across the country to flee the pain, because she is not the love of my life. The twinge I felt when I saw her yesterday was not even in the same universe with the anger and rage and jealousy and pain I felt when I found you with Mark. I am slowly getting over losing Meredith; I'm not sure I could ever have gotten over losing you.”

“The reason it was hard for me to pick you when you came to Seattle was that I was afraid that if I let you back in my heart, if I started depending on you again, that you would break me again, and there wouldn’t be anything left. But you’ve proven to me that I can trust you again, that I can be with you again. So I cannot regret my choice.”

“You are my missing organs, Addie. Without you, I was only half-functioning. And maybe we’re still healing, but we’re getting better every day."

"One of the things that I was thinking about all day with that divorce attorney was how we reacted to our boring sex. I actually felt closer to you then then I had in a long time. Because we were laughing. We were enjoying each other’s company. We wanted each other, the same goal, even if we had momentary problems getting there.”

“Meredith, maybe she’s another kind of cure. Maybe in the long run, had you and I not decided to fix things, we could have built some kind of prosthetic me, to replace the missing organs. But she has flaws of her own. And it wouldn’t have been the same.”

“Maybe it would have been better.”

“No,” Derek assured her. “It wouldn’t have been. Because I know, Addie, that you and I at our best are the best. And we are getting back there.”

“You really love me?” Addie asked, and Derek’s heart broke a little at the tone. The doubt, the nerves, they were understandable given the way he had been acting. And he resolved to do better, so that Addie would have the confidence in him that he had slowly been building in her.

“I really love you, Addison” he said, pulling her into his arms and fusing his mouth to hers. “I love only you."

Chapter 6: A Ray of Light

Addison Shepherd felt like she had been riding an emotional roller coaster.

First the high last night of real intimacy with Derek – physical, emotional, genuine intimacy. Then, the low this morning of attributing Derek’s actions not to his desire for and love for her but to a reaction to seeing Meredith with another.

And now Derek had turned her world upside down again.

She felt like Sally Field.

He loved her. He really loved her.

And now she was back in his arms.

After telling Addison that he loved her, Derek set out to prove it to her. His mouth had fused to hers, his tongue tasting and exploring and dueling with hers in the age-old dance of tongues everywhere. His talented hands had slipped underneath her shirt and were exploring the bare skin of her back. As he broke the kiss, his mouth traveled down to the side her neck, nibbling everywhere it touched, making her skin tingle with excitement and exhilaration.

No wallflower, Addison was just as active a participant in the game of love. She let her mouth travel to Derek’s pulse point, and she could feel his reaction when she hit the one spot that she knew drove him crazy. One leg skimmed Derek’s calf, and she felt him tense beneath her in order to remain standing. And she had her hands skimming his chest, feeling the definition of the muscles beneath his shirt.

She could feel her love, her desire for her husband grow and build.

Even more intoxicating then what his hands and his tongue was doing to her body, or what she was doing to his, was the feeling that he really was with her again.

He wasn’t distracted. It wasn’t just physical.

Derek was with her.

It was such a shame they were in public, Addie thought to herself, and she was going to have to stop this before the flames reached the point of no return. She wanted to be able to return to her viewfinder when she needed it, and a charge of public indecency wouldn’t do anything for their reputations. She needed to stop things before they spiraled out of control.

Or at least move them to a more secluded location.

Then their pagers saved her the trouble.

******

“So who paged us?”

Meredith walked into the surgical conference room noted on her pager and found George and Izzie as well as Burke.

“Beats us,” said Izzie, who had already conferred with George and Burke on that exact question. “All of our pagers just said to be here.”

“What’s going on?” Alex came in and joined the crowd, two of the surgical nurses right behind him.

“I don’t know,” Izzie said. “Are you supposed to be this far from your patient? Dr. Shepherd might have you fired.”

“The page said she had approved me being here. But I have no clue what for.”

“Really, the page said I approved you being here?” Both Shepherds had entered the room behind Alex, and Addison’s voice was skeptical. Alex handed over his pager as evidence, and Addison raised an eyebrow.

“OK, so who paged us?” Derek asked.

The interns all shrugged their lack of knowledge, as Burke stood there impassively.

The Shepherds grabbed chairs on one side of the conference table. Derek dropped on the table a bag from an Italian deli across town. He pulled out napkins for himself and Addie, and then two sandwiches. He handed his wife half of each. Meredith watched the Shepherds interact, Addison stealing Derek’s pickle as they each began to eat.

“You stopped for lunch on the way back?” Burke asked.

“The page didn’t say it was urgent; it said to be here in 15 minutes. . . . And we were hungry,” Derek stated the obvious.

As he had ordered the sandwiches, Addie had borrowed the deli’s bathroom and repaired her face, and now it would have been a total shock to anyone who saw her that she had recently dissolved into tears. It was their little secret. There was no more need for tears, and no need for anyone else to know they had ever occurred.

A horde more people came through the door, including Christina, Olivia, and finally Bailey.

“Good, you’re all here.”

“You paged us?” Addison queried.

“Some of you, actually given the way gossip flows in the hospital, all of you are aware of the Chief’s efforts to mommytrack me," Bailey stated impassively. "You are all now going to play a part in ending those efforts.”

Bailey explained her plan.

“What if we don’t want to cooperate?” Derek asked.

Addison smacked him, only somewhat playfully, as Bailey glared.

“Never mind.”

********

“Richard.” The He-Shepherd caught up to the chief and handed him a piece of paper.

“Derek,” the Chief took the paper and looked at it puzzled for a moment. “What is this?”

“Orders for your MRI.”

“I don’t need an MRI.”

“It’s been six months since your surgery. Either you get an MRI and I get the results to make sure my brilliant work is holding up in a man of your age, or I see to it that you don’t operate. . . . Your choice.”

The Chief stared speechlessly after him as the He-Shepherd peeled away into a patient's room.

*******

“Chief.”

“Dr. O’Malley.” The Chief stared at the intern, as George shifted his weight antsily from foot to foot.

“Y’know how you asked me to keep you informed about hospital gossip?”

“Yes, Dr. O’Malley. What is it?”

George remained silent for a moment before speaking.

“People are wondering who you're going to pick as your successor. . . . After all a man of your distinguished carriage should have time to enjoy his retirement? . . . . What do you plan to do with it? Golf? Or fishing? Maybe some travel? . . . An addiction to the history channel?”

“Are you suggesting that I’m old and in need of retirement?”

“No, sir, I would never do that, sir. . . . I’m just saying that people are wondering, sir.”

George's pager went off, and as the intern took off running, once again the Chief was left speechless.

*******

“Chief.” Burke handed the Chief a file folder.

“Preston.” The Chief opened the folder and began to examine the contents.

“I was reading this article and I thought of you. . . . I assume you are taking B vitamins.”

“What?”

“The article talks about how important the B vitamins are for a man of your . . . stature, to keep your heart healthy. . . . You wouldn’t want to add me to your list of doctors, would you?"

As Preston walked off, the Chief examined the article more closely.

“Why Elderly Hearts Need B Vitamins.”

As Bailey impassively observed the expression on the Chief's face -- a cross between dismay and confusion -- from just inside a patient's room, she muttered to herself, "The best things in life are priceless. . . . I guess I don't need Mastercard."

And the Nazi smiled.

Chapter 7: A Blindingly Beautiful Sunset

Derek Shepherd smiled at the view in front of him.

The smooth plains of his wife’s beautiful back, marred only by the back of a black satin bra. He allowed his imagination to invoke what she would look like if she turned around.

Then, he said to himself, to heck with imagination. Reality is so much better.

“You are so beautiful.”

Addie had felt, rather than heard, Derek join her in the lockerroom as she was changing into her scrubs for Beth Winters’s surgery. She always could feel her husband, and her soul mate, when he was looking at her. She could feel his gaze – warm, interested, affectionate, a little bit aroused.

But she waited.

When Derek spoke, Addison turned, and the sight of the front of that black satin bra with the little lace trim designed to drive him crazy in all the right ways, contrasting against the pure white of her skin, had him crossing to her and pulling her into his arms before she could even speak.

His lips attacked.

Derek only had one pair, so Addie was uncertain how it could feel like they were everywhere at once. On her mouth. At the base of her neck. Lower, worrying the strap of that bra he found so intriguing.

And where his lips weren’t, his hands were. Tracing the sides of her ribcage, one dipping down her back to feel the edge of her panties.

She gave as good as she got, her hands feeling the muscles of his back as his hands moved. Running up through the hair that she found so intriguing because it never looked the same way twice. Her mouth open, wet, wanting him.

But when Addie felt Derek reach for the clasp of her bra, she pulled away.

“What?” he ground out frustrated.

“This is the lockerroom. Anyone could walk in at any minute. . . . Plus, we have a patient, two interns, and a bunch of nurses waiting for us.”

“I don’t care,” Derek growled, and he pulled her close again.

Addison leaned in for one last kiss before she shoved him away.

“Yes. You do,” she reached for the top of her scrubs and had it on in a nanosecond. “But I will take a raincheck.”

******

“Dr. Webber.”

“Hello, Meredith. How are you?”

“I’m good, sir. How are you?”

“I’m fine. . . . Is there a reason you ask?”

“I just. . . . well, there’s no easy way to say this. . . . I was wondering if you were getting enough fiber?”

“Excuse me.”

“It’s just, I was reading, and they say fiber is the key to long life. And well, you’re very dear to me, a mentor, a friend of my mother’s . . . and I just wanted to make sure you were getting enough fiber.”

Meredith handed the Chief a bag. It was fairly heavy.

“I have to go check on a patient now for Dr. Burke.”

As Meredith left, the Chief looked inside the bag.

Inside were two extra large canisters of Metamucil.

*******

“All, right, Dr. Satan, let’s get this party started.”

Addison grinned at Derek as he finally joined the party in the OR.

Having left him alone in the lockerroom as soon as she donned her scrubs, she wondered if he needed to take a cold shower on his way to scrub in. After all, that was twice they hadn’t finished what they started.

If she didn’t want to get jumped in the hospital, she was going to have to be careful to avoid closets and on call rooms.

As Addie pondered Derek’s state of attraction, George and Izzie exchanged puzzled glances.

They were uncertain of the significance of Satan as a nickname, particularly when it was paired with a teasing tone and smile. They were both a bit nervous about sharing an operating room with the volatile Shepherds.

George was still pondering his earlier conclusions, about how Derek and Addison had actually managed to put their marriage together, how they had forgiven each other terrible sins and managed to build something new -- or at least repair what once must have been. Just because they had always been nasty and sniping to each other in Seattle didn't mean that it had always been that way. After all, they had chosen each other a second time.

And Izzie was still thinking about her own future, and whether she could manage after all to convince Bailey and Addison Shepherd to permit her to specialize. She vowed to make extra effort to impress Addison during this surgery.

“Why, Dr. Shepherd, how nice of you to join us -- finally? Did you get held up? Forget where the OR is?”

“My apologies. . . . I was busy attempting to make out with my outrageously beautiful wife, and then as a result got unavoidably delayed.”

At that Addison smiled, and George and Izzie both stifled giggles.

“Well, since you have a good excuse.”

Addison gestured to Izzie to touch the scalpel to her patient’s body, making the first cut to deliver a healthy baby who would hopefully by the time surgery was done also have a healthy mother. Since the C-section part of the surgery was routine, Addison was having Stevens start the procedure for experience. However, she would deal with the preemie once they reached that point.

“Y’know, Dr. Shepherd," Addison observed aloud, as she watched Izzie work. "Flattery really does get you almost anywhere with me.”

****

“Dr. Webber.”

“Dr. Karev. Dr. Yang.”

Alex and Christina had come up with what they figured was a surefire way to deliver the coup d’etat to the Chief and hopefully thereby secure themselves spots on Bailey’s honor roll.

But it definitely took two for courage.

“We were just having this discussion. . . ,” Yang started.

“And we were having a hard time figuring out who we could ask for advice . . . ,” Karev continued.

“For guidance. . . . After all, being so young, we don’t have a lot of experience with . . . this . . . particular,” Yang added, her tone as deferential and obsequious as it could get.

“Treatment,” Karev inserted. “And we just realized when we saw you. . . .”

“That you would be the perfect person.”

“What exactly are you attempting to ask me?” The Chief asked, grinding his teeth, a bit scared after his last few encounters with members of his surgical staff.

“Have you ever experienced side effects from taking Viagra?” the two asked the question in unison, their voices blending as one.

As the Chief once again was rendered speechless, both interns’ pagers went off.

“Sorry, Chief, gotta go.” Karev said.

“We’ll have to continue this conversation later,” Yang added.

As they both raced into the stairwell and down the stairs, they waited until they hit the second landing where Meredith was waiting for them.

“You have perfect timing,” Karev told her, as he and Yang both started laughing so hard they couldn’t catch their breath.

“Glad to be of service. . . . How did he take it?”

“Bailey was right,” Christina grinned. “Priceless.”

*****

“So how weird was that?” Izzie asked George as they sat down at a table in the cafeteria with their post-surgery snacks.

“Weird.”

“What’s weird?” Meredith asked, as she sat down to join them with a cup of coffee and the chocolate chip cookie she had been coveting all day.

“The Shepherds,” Izzie said. “All during surgery, they were acting like a couple in love.”

“Good.”

“Good?” Both Izzie and George couldn’t keep the question from exiting their lips in unison.

“Yes,” Meredith responded emphatically. “Good. . . . Against my better judgment and my will, somehwere I ended up friends with both of them, which is weird in itself. It's sometimes an odd and awkward friendship, but then. . . what relationship of mine isn't odd and awkward. Anyway. . . . So good.”

“I think you mean that,” Izzie said. “I’m so proud.”

“So why was it weird?”

“Maybe because I’ve never seen them actually act happy. Like they were in love. ”

*****

“Richard.”

“Addison.”

The Chief waited for the other shoe to drop.

Addison just kept smiling at him. And it made him nervous. After what the others had pulled, he had a feeling Addie had something special up her sleeve. As his favorite and most creative surgeon, she always had something special up her sleeve. Only this time he was the target; he had no doubt that she was part of the conspiracy.

And the silence was making him nervous.

“I realize I’m not your doctor, Richard, but your friend.”

“You know you’re like a daughter to me, Addie,” the Chief replied, hoping that he could preempt the evilness with love and kindness.

He should have known better.

“Well, as your surrogate daughter, I made it business to touch base with your proctologist. He says you’re overdue, and he’s managed to fit you in for an appointment tomorrow morning. 9 a.m.”

“Addison.” The Chief’s tone spoke for itself.

“I spoke with Adele and she’s very concerned about you not taking care of yourself, and I promised her that I would step in and ensure that you were being properly monitored. . . ."

"Addison."

She ignored the tone of voice and the warning.

"So, in addition to your proctologist, you are going to have your colonoscopy – which you are long overdue for, according to your internist – the day after. Again 9 a.m. Here are the orders,” she said, handing them over. “Remember, it’s a liquid diet 36 hours beforehand.”

“Addison.”

“Yes,” she replied, her tone innocent as a choirgirl.

“What do I need to do to make this stop?”

“Make what stop?”

“You know. Bailey’s behind this. . . . She has to be.”

“Well, if you were being . . . grandpa-tracked . . . it might help if you were to be a man, take responsibility, and apologize to the wounded party.”

“It might?” the Chief echoed, his tone one of hope.

“But for the record, both the proctologist and the colonoscopy are non-negotiable. I’ve already informed Adele, and she’ll be ensuring that you are where you supposed to be when you’re supposed to be there. . . . After all, I only love you and want to make sure you live to actually be a grandpa.”

****

Two hours later, Addison finally drove up to the trailer. She pondered the fact that she was actually happy to see it, Derek’s SUV already parked outside.

He had gotten to leave the hospital a full 90 minutes before she did, since one of her patients on bed rest had been drenched when her water suddenly broke. The patient in question had the bed next to the one Karev had been monitoring all day, and after Addison heard about Yang’s and Karev’s grandpa-tracking effort, she had let him assist her on the C-section. Mother and baby were fine. All in all, it had been a good day for Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd.

When she entered the trailer, she almost went back outside to make sure she hadn’t stepped into the wrong trailer by accident.

The table was covered with a beautiful tablecloth Addison had never seen in her favorite shade of green. There were romantic tapered candles burning. A vase of fresh flowers – irises, to be exact. A bottle of wine was chilling.

And the smells emanating from their closet of a kitchen testified to the fact that someone had made her favorite dinner.

She dropped her briefcase on the couch and walked up behind Derek, who was busy putting the finishing touches on the chicken pamagiana.

She put her hands around him and felt his body react to the proximity of hers.

“Good evening, Satan.”

“Good evening, McDreamy. . . . Have I fallen through the looking glass?”

“I certainly hope not.”

“What is all this?”

“Can’t a man treat his wife to a special night?”

“It’s not my birthday. Not our anniversary.”

“Nope,” Derek agreed as he dislodged himself from Addison long enough to turn and take her in his arms. He pulled her close and attached his mouth to hers. Her lips parted, granting him entrance, and they exchanged silent expressions of love, longing, and lust, before he pulled back. “There is no occasion, except that I wanted you to know that I love you.”

Tears sprang to Addison’s eyes, and Derek saw them threatening at the corners.

“I love you, too, Derek.”

“And perhaps, just perhaps, I wanted to put you in the right frame of mind to finish what we started,” Derek grinned evilly and leered playfully at Addison. "After all, that was mighty nice lingerie you were wearing. . . . I feel the need to try to take it off of you."

“I think, Dr. Shepherd, that that sort of consultation just might be arranged. . . . Depending on the quality of the chicken pamagiana.”

“I know, I know,” Derek chuckled. “You only love me for my cooking skills.”

“Oh no. I'd love you even if you couldn't cook,” Addison assured him with a smile. “The cooking skills are just bonus. . . . You have other . . . skills . . . that are far more integral to my happiness.”

Epilogue: The Stars Shined Brightly

Addison woke slowly.

She could feel her husband's gaze upon her, and feel his hands up her, tracing random patterns in her skin. She could feel one of Derek's strong, capable hands dancing along the skin of her arm, then her back, then dropping lower, before coming back up and repeating the pattern. The other hand was massaging her scalp, moving gently through her red curls that had no doubt been made even more wild and tangled than usual by the ravages of sleep and, before that, extremely hot sex.

She kept her eyes closed and basked in the feeling of being cherished, of being treasured, of being loved.

It had been so long, and she just needed to soak in the feeling.

"Good morning, sleepyhead," Derek said, shifting so his mouth could claim hers. "I know you're awake."

"Mmmmhmmm," Addie smiled. "Well, if I wasn't before, that kiss would have done the trick."

"We have to go to work. . . . But before we get up, I wanted to talk with you about something?"

"OK."

Addie's voice was still sleepy, but Derek could detect a hint of nerves. He vowed to find a way to eradicate that, to make his wife believe in them again, believe in him again.

"We're not on call so we're having a barbecue tonight." Addie looked at him confused. "I already invited Bailey and Tucker. And I thought we'd invite Burke and Christina. I know there's bound to be a little awkwardness there, since she's an intern and we're her bosses, and she's Meredith's best friend, but that's the price she has to pay for being with Burke. . . . Burke is our friend, or at least your friend. She can always not come if she doesn't want to. What do you think?"

Derek could see her confusion and he leaned forward to attempt to kiss it -- and the doubt -- away.

"We've moved to Seattle. We live here; we work here. But we've been so busy with all the trauma of trying to put us back together that we haven't made lives here. We need to build our life together, and I thought this would be a good way to start."

****

"Dr. Bailey."

Miranda counted silently to three before she turned around.

"Chief. . . . I understand you're quite busy this morning."

"Make it stop."

"I have no idea what you are talking about, sir."

The Chief and the Nazi had a staring contest.

There was silence between them as they just kept looking at each other.

The medical personnel who surrounded them couldn't keep themselves from being drawn to the staring contest, the contest of wills. At the same time, they knew if they were caught staring at the starers, the penalty could be very stiff.

The Chief finally conceded defeat, remembering Addison's advice.

"Dr. Bailey, I sincerely apologize for any suggestion that I might have made that you were not performing at the peak of your ability. . . . Clearly, I was mistaken."

The smile came slowly to Miranda's face.

"Apology accepted, sir."

And the Nazi turned and walked away.

She had reclaimed her throne.

*****

"Explain to me again why we're going to this barbecue."

"Because these are my friends." Only traces of Burke's exasperation with his difficult girlfriend showed in the tone of his voice. "We're going for the same reason that we go over to Meredith, George, and Izzie's place when they invite us. Because that's what couples do; they socialize with each other's friends."

"Since when are you friends with the Shepherds? And can the Nazi even have friends?"

"Look, we are a lot like your friends. We're bonded by medicine, by shared experiences. I play basketball with Tucker. I mentor Miranda. As for the Shepherds, they're good people, even if they managed to royally screw up their personal life for a while. . . . But they seem to be back on track. . . ."

"Look, I never flaunted the fact that Derek and I were friends because I was peeved at the way he was handling his personal life, and because I thought it was better if I just stayed out of the whole Meredith-Derek-Addison triangle. Especially since you were so clearly on Meredith's side, and I thought . . . ." Burke decided he was better off not finishing that thought.

"Anyway, Addison and I have always been friends, although actually I probably haven't been a good enough friend to her since she came to Seattle. She's smart, she's dedicated, and she's funny, and if you would give her half a chance, you would like her. Heck, if you weren't so busy badmouthing her when she first arrived, she would have been a pretty good mentor for you interns. Because she loves to teach. . . . If you don't want to come to the barbecue, that's fine. . . . But I'm going."

******

Hours later, Christina was marvelling at the company.

She was sitting with Addison and Miranda -- all of the doctors had told her that when they gathered as friends to use their first names -- on the porch of the trailer as the men conferred with seriousness over whether the meat on the grill was sufficiently charred.

The picnic table the Shepherds had set up was heaping with food and the cooler was full of beer, and the conversation over appetizers had ranged from music to books to the best place to go in Seattle for a truly great omelette. Then the men had fired up the grill, with typical macho boasting.

Doc just ran in circles looking for whom he could persuade to either throw the next stick or slip him some food on the side. Doc quickly had realized that the softhearted Baileys were actually his best bet.

Christina was slowly realizing that what Preston had said was true; his friends -- her bosses -- were people, too. She had sort of figured that out about him, but all of the attendings and Bailey had still had that teacherly glow about them. They weren't real people; they were surgeons. The best of the best.

It was only now listening to Addison and Miranda talk about their mutual addiction to mysteries and how they thought, like everyone else on the planet, that both Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had lost their minds if not their souls, that Christina was truly comprehending that they were just people, too.

They were Burke's friends. So in the same way that Burke had adopted her friends, she had to adopt his. They were just three couples relaxing together, having a good time.

Adopting Burke's friends as well as her own would mean they would walk a fine line for a while perhaps between the Shepherds and Meredith, and while she wasn't too good with fine lines in the personal context, Christina realized that she would just have to deal.

******

After dinner with full stomachs, the three couples decided to engage in a game of charades -- despite Preston's warning that Christina was extremely competitive.

"Preston," Addison pointed out. "With the exception of poor Tucker, we're all surgeons. We're all extremely competitive. . . . And Tucker has learned to hold his own."

As they began playing, it quickly became clear that Preston's warning was in part for his own sake, because he and Christina just weren't very good at charades. The Baileys were pretty good, managing to get most of their answers.

But the Shepherds were dominating; it was almost like they were reading each other's minds. And Derek realized that he was having a great time watching Addison just be Addison, connecting with her, competing as her partner instead of her adversary.

"Our turn again?" Derek asked after watching Christina frantically but unsuccessfully try to act out the words to "Cheaper by the Dozen." Derek grinned mischieviously as she sat down, and he glanced at Addie as he picked his next clue. It said, "Spiderman."

But that wasn't what Derek was planning to act out.

He started by making quote marks in the air.

"Phrase." Addie called out. He nodded. He held up seven fingers. "Seven words." He nodded again. He held up the first finger. "First word." Derek nodded again and smiled at his wife's enthusiasm.

He pointed to Addie and then to himself. "Couple." She called out and he shook his head. "Marriage. Man. Woman." He shook it again and made the universal symbol for a little world. "Us. We." Derek nodded. "We," she confirmed, and he nodded again.

He held up four fingers. "Fourth word." He nodded. Then he held up the little word symbol again. "The," she called out, and he shook his head. "A." He nodded.

"We blank blank a blank blank blank." Derek nodded confirmation.

The other couples watched as Derek held up five fingers, trying to figure out which one of their clues he was acting out.

"Fifth word." In the air, Derek drew a box. "Box. Square." Derek shook his head. Then he drew a triangle on the top for the roof. Thankfully, they were on the same wavelength, and Addie called out, "House."

"We blank blank a house blank blank. . . . Derek, I have no idea what saying this is."

Derek held up two fingers. "Second word." Derek pointed down at this foot. "Foot." He shook his head. He knelt down and pretended to tie his shoe. "Tie. Shoe." Derek nodded. "Shoe." Derek pulled his hands apart in the charades gesture for making a word longer. "Shooooo." Addison tried to draw it out, but she wasn't sure where he was going.

Derek made the sign for second word again and then for second syllable. He leaned over and pretended he had a cane and that he had a long beard. "Old." He nodded. "Shoe. Old," Addie thought for a few seconds. "Should. We should blank a house blank blank."

Derek nodded. He held up six fingers.

"Sixth word. You better hurry," Addie called as she looked at the timer running down. He pointed down. "Down." Derek made the "sounds like" symbol, cupping his hand to his ear. And then he pointed to his ear. "Sounds like ear?" Derek nodded. "Bear? Hear?" Derek nodded, and waived his hands to keep trying, and then Addie got it. "Here. . . . We should blank a house here blank."

The others had picked up on what Derek was doing and they were all smiling, wondering when Addison was going to get it.

But Addie was too far into the game.

Derek held up three fingers. Then he indicated one syllable. Then he pretended to hammer something. "Hammer." Derek shook his head, but waved for her to keep trying and made the one syllable signal again. "Nail. Build." Derek indicated that she got it.

"Build. . . . We should build a house here blank," Addie's tone was frustrated as she watched the time run out. "Derek, I'm sorry, I don't know what the last word should be."

Derek approached her with a smile. "The last word was Addison."

"Huh?"

"We should build a house here, Addison." Derek put the pieces together.

She was silent for a moment.

"I'm going to assume that that's not actually what it said on that little slip of paper you picked."

Derek shook his head. "Nope. It said Spiderman."

"I would have gotten that," she assured him. "Do you mean it?"

"Yes. I love you and I think we need to build a new home here. . . with a bathtub and enough closetspace for all of your shoes."

Addison practically leaped into his arms and fused her lips to his.

"I think that's a fabulous idea," she said when they finally broke for air, to the applause of their friends. "You do realize that that's going to be a lot of closet space."

"I know. But it'll be worth it."

An Entirely Separate Story

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 01:17:48 GMT

Hope those in the U.S. are having a happy Independence Day! For today, my Livejournal is declaring independence from Cracks & Foundations, and instead I'm reposting another story that is whole and complete. Feedback is as always more than welcome.

The End of a Very Bad Day

A Very Long Post-Episode for Blues for Sister Someone

By Lilybeth

Disclaimer: I don’t own Grey’s Anatomy. I do this for fun and imagination and because the characters have taken over my fingers and don’t permit me to type other things. There is no profit involved. Indeed, you might say this keeps me from the real work I should be doing.

Chapter 1

“Addie?”

Derek said his wife’s name softly as the two lay intertwined on the bed in their trailer in the midst of the woods. Addison was lying with her head on the chest, and he could feel one hand still stroking his chest. For his part, Derek had one hand stroking his wife’s back, exploring the smooth skin there, and the other lying comfortably on her hip.

It had been a long time since they lay together like this, comfortably and affectionately in the warm glow of post-coital bliss. After their initial bout of hot, lusty, frantic sex in the shower, they had moved to the bed for round two, which was slower but no less intense, and now they were just basking in the aftermath.

“Mmmhmmm?”

“So you had a bad day?”

Addison dropped her head and kissed Derek’s chest softly before answering.

“I have to say it has improved dramatically in the last couple of hours, since you came home. . . . It feels like, like we’re really connected for the first time in a long time, like you really want me. . . . And that’s way more important to me than all the crap at work.”

“How about we make some dinner, and you tell me about it anyway?”

“I’m not sure I want to move . . . ever.”

Derek began to sit up, bringing his wife with him. When he was upright enough, he leaned forward and claimed her mouth in a soul-searing kiss, their tongues intertwining and exploring. When they parted to breathe, Derek smiled.

“A man cannot live on hot sex alone. . . . Let’s check out the kitchen.”

When she leaned as if to lay down again, Derek playfully pulled Addison out of bed with him, and she stole one of his flannel shirts to wear, while he grabbed a pair of pants on his way to raid the refrigerator. They scoped out the provisions, and Derek decided that he should cook, since they had the fixings for omelets.

“How do you feel about breakfast for dinner?”

“After that, we can have anything you like for dinner.”

Addie smiled, as she leaned against the counter and watched her man go to work. He started by opening a bottle of Shiraz and pouring them each a glass.

“So talk to me while I work. . . . Tell me what happened.”

Addison gave Derek an abbreviated account of her day, starting with Karev’s backtalk, how he was rude to her patient, injecting his own personal beliefs into her treatment and refusing to follow orders both inside and outside of the operating room.

She continued with an explanation of how she had followed the patient’s wishes, but that the patient refused to confirm that with her husband who was threatening suit.

She wished she could be confident it would all end up fine in the end, because she had nothing wrong -- other than failing to document her patient's wishes in an effort to help her out. Her obligation was to her patient, not to her husband, and Karev had been present and would no doubt under oath support her account of what happened. Plus, she didn’t think when push comes to shove the patient would lie under oath, given everything.

But this was the real world, not Disney World.

The reality was that there would be a settlement and a black mark on her reputation, unless she could convince the hospital and the lawyers to fight it out. But if they did that, then her patient would be hurt and it still might not come out Addison's way.

“You’re really between a rock and a hard place,” Derek observed, refilling her wine glass while the eggs cooked. “But while your patient's wrong to not come clean, she is right about one thing. You are too good a surgeon and too well-respected for this to have any long term impact on your career. . . . Nevertheless, you definitely need another glass of shiraz.”

She looked at her glass as Derek refilled it. “Are you trying to get me drunk, Dr. Shepherd?”

He leaned it for a quick kiss and let his hands creep under the flannel shirt to feel the softness of Addison’s skin.

“While I plan to seduce you again tonight, Dr. Shepherd, I think I’ve already proven that I don’t need alcohol to get you in the right frame of mind.”

Addison pulled Derek to her and hugged him tightly before kissing him.

“That is the truth.”

When Derek pulled away to work on their breakfast-dinner, he took a good look at his wife and thought to himself how sexy she was.

She looked, despite all the work craziness, relaxed and well-loved. And damn hot, leaning there, her long legs bare, wearing only his partially-buttoned flannel shirt. Her red hair tousled and curly, falling over her shoulders and making him want to tangle his hands in it. No make-up.

Just one hundred percent, pure, unadulaterated Addison.

His wife had a thousand different looks for different occasions, but this was still the way he liked her best, the way no one else got to see her. Just relaxed and open and natural. He was sad to say he couldn’t remember the last time she had looked quite so comfortable in his presence.

“So what are you going to do about Karev?” Derek asked as he served up their eggs and they moved to the table to eat.

“Oh, I’m taking care of him. I already talked to Miranda. He’s my personal slave for the foreseeable future. . . . And I guarantee you that it’s not going to be a pleasant servitude.”

“Are you going to make him walk around the hospital scantily clad and feeding you grapes?” Derek laughed. “Because as your husband, I’m going to have to object to that.”

“No.” Addison grinned. “You are the only scantily clad man for me. . . . Besides, even if you weren’t, after today Karev makes my skin crawl. . . . I was thinking of slavery more like the Egyptians, than the Greeks, y’know lugging large bricks to build the Pyramids. Hard menial labor. . . .”

“Basically, he is going to be doing more scut work than he knows what to do with. If you can think of anything you need doing that’s highly unpleasant, let me know and I’ll have him take care of it. I’ve got Bailey and Burke on board as well, and Karev is going to be the surgical intern who does every menial, unpleasant task I – or any of you – can think of until I decide he’s learned his lesson. Given his attitude, he’ll be lucky if he ever sees the inside of an OR ever again.”

“Don’t get mad, get even? How very Satan of you!”

Addison smiled. “I’m the queen of all things evil, and don’t you forget it.” Addie grinned. “But this time it’s for a good cause. . . . So, anyway, enough about my terrible, no good day. How was yours?”

“I spent most of the day waiting for my patient to seize so I could operate, and then once she finally did seize, she decided she didn’t want the operation.”

“That must’ve been frustrating.”

“Actually, it was kind of good. She’s this high-powered divorce attorney. Stevens and O’Malley spent the whole day coming up with random ways to try to make her seize so we could map the brain, and apparently she had so much fun while she was not seizing that she realized that her job stress – listening to people argue constantly – was aggravating her condition. She’s going to try changing her lifestyle first; if that doesn’t work, she’ll come back for the procedure.”

“Interesting. . . . What did they have her doing?”

“I know they had her play some video game and drink a lot of coffee, but other than that I’m not even really sure. She made the connection to her career after O’Malley and Stevens had some big fight in front of her . . . extremely professional of them."

"But, before she had her change of heart and decided to give up the battles of divorce law, she offered me her services.”

Addison might have been truly scared had she not literally spent the last few hours exchanging intimacies in her husband’s arms, but the mention of divorce and her husband in the same sentence still made her nervous.

She raised an eyebrow: “And did you take her up on her offer?”

Derek went from grinning to serious in an instant.

He looked Addison in the eye and reached over and took her left hand in his and rubbed it with his thumb. He could feel her wedding rings, and the strength and the gentleness in her capable hands, in the hands that saved lives and loved him. And Derek felt the nerves and tension that she felt, even though they had been as physically intimate as a couple could be.

Derek knew it was time to put her fears to rest, to be emotionally as well as physically intimate with his wife.

“No. I told her I was definitely not interested.”

“I know we still have issues that we’re working through, but I picked you almost 12 years ago and I picked you a few months ago.”

“And I don’t regret it, Addie, about either time. I don’t have any doubt any more. . . . I love you. And I want to rebuild our life together.”

And Derek watched as tears came to her eyes, and she used her other hand to reach up and wipe them away.

“I love you, too, Derek.”

Chapter 2: Dawning of a New Day

This morning Addison Shepherd woke with a smile on her face.

It didn’t matter that she was alone in bed, Derek having been paged to the hospital for an emergency a few hours earlier.

It didn’t matter that she was in a trailer in the middle of the woods. After last night, she had some fond memories of the trailer. Not that she wouldn’t happily move into a house with real walls, real closet space, and a bathtub. But she wasn’t hating the trailer nearly as much as usual.

Even the fact that she had a potential malpractice lawsuit hanging over her head couldn’t take away from the way she felt after last night, when Derek first practically devoured her during hot shower sex, then treasured her in the same bed in which only hours earlier they had only been able to accomplish boring sex, then made her dinner and listened to her problems, and then told her about his day.

Most importantly, Derek told her he loved her.

And then, needless to say, they went back to bed. But sleep was not on the agenda.

Yesterday may have started out with boring sex, but it certainly didn’t end up that way.

Yes, this morning was good.

*******************

Bailey on the other hand was definitely not smiling when she came into the locker room.

The look on her face had all four of her present interns jumping to their feet as if they were brand new and terrified of her once again. The chief didn’t think she had her “A” game back, and Bailey was determined to show him just how wrong he was.

She could start by whipping her crazy, lazy, moronic interns back into shape.

“Yang’s in surgery with Derek Shepherd. Grey, you’re with Burke today.” Meredith didn’t wait for permission before taking off. She could read the writing on the wall and, while she felt for her friends, she had no desire to join them as an object of Bailey’s wrath.

“O’Malley, you’re with me. Get me pre-op labs on the patient in 516.” Like Meredith, George knew to get while the getting was good.

Then, Bailey stood there and gave Karev and Stevens the evil eye. They each waited, Izzie dropping her eyes to the floor and Alex glaring right back.

“If there is anything left of you when I am through with you, you are both with Addison Shepherd today. . . . Karev, I want a moment alone with Stevens first. You go wait in the hallway. When I’m done with her, I’ll deal with you.”

After the door to the locker room slammed shut behind Alex, Izzie waited nervously, twisting her hands.

“Y’know, Stevens, when the five of you first started, I knew you would make some mistakes. You’re interns. That’s what interns do. You screw up. You mess up procedures. You misdiagnose. You occasionally even kill a patient.”

“Who would have imagined that my biggest problem would be my interns’ sex lives? First, there was Grey. Sleeping with an attending. How stupid could an intern – and a female one at that – get? There is nothing that will undermine the other doctors’ respect for you more than trying to sleep your way into procedures. And then Yang followed her lead.”

“But you, you take the cake. What you are doing with Denny is crossing a line that absolutely cannot be crossed. A romantic or sexual relationship with a patient is grounds for possible disciplinary action by everyone from the AMA to the hospital board, and in some states is criminal. You could lose your spot in this internship program. You could lose your license.”

Izzie looked back at Bailey, willing back the tears.

“I realize that you did not do this intentionally, that you often lead with your heart with patients. Addison tried to teach you a lesson about that a few months ago, but it clearly didn’t take. You have to learn it. There is no alternative.”

“This is what we’re going to do about Denny. . . . You have five minutes supervised by me – as soon as I finish killing Karev and burying his body – in which to explain to him why you will not be coming around any more.”

“Period. No exceptions.”

“You will not be assigned to him as a doctor; you will not visit him as a friend or as anything else. And you will be a model intern for the foreseeable future to thank me for saving you from yourself.”

“Are we understood?”

Izzie nodded, blinking back the tears in her eyes.

“Repeat after me. ‘Yes, Dr. Bailey.’”

“Yes, Dr. Bailey.”

“Good, now go send Karev in here, then go get me and yourself a cup of coffee. I’ll meet you outside Denny’s room in 10.”

Izzie nodded and left, and Bailey took a deep breath as she waited for Karev.

Alex re-entered the locker room with his trademark swagger and smirk.

Bailey wanted to take a baseball bat to his head, particularly after what he had pulled with Addison yesterday. Not that Addison wasn’t more than capable of fighting her own battles. But it was going to take all of her skill to fix Karev before he got himself expelled from the program, or just murdered by any one of the attendings.

Bailey glared at him.

“Do you just not want to be a surgeon?” she started, her voice even. “Because if that’s what you want, we can just let you go right now. There are other people who would kill for your spot, for the opportunity to learn from Burke and the Shepherds and the Chief. . . . I want an answer. Do you want to be here, or don’t you?”

“I want to be here.”

“Then act like it. At the moment, you’ve managed to piss off at least two of the three star attendings and, quite frankly given who Derek Shepherd is married to, I wouldn’t count on impressing him any time soon. And in so doing, you have made quite the impression on me and the Chief as well. Just to be crystal clear, this is not the impression that you want us to have of you.”

“Burke had told me that he would prefer not to work with you. Lucky for you, Addison Shepherd had requested your services indefinitely.”

Alex’s scowl became even more pronounced.

“This is how it’s going to go. First, you apologize for your behavior yesterday. Dr. Shepherd’s duty was to her patient, not her patient’s husband. If and when you are questioned about this situation by anyone, you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and that includes what the patient told Dr. Shepherd in your presence.”

“I realize that you may disagree morally or religiously with the situation, but medically and legally Dr. Shepherd was correct. If in the future you have a moral issue and would prefer not to be part of a particular treatment for that reason, come to me and I’ll see what I can do. But you do not ever undermine the attending in front of a patient. You keep your mouth shut and opt out.”

“After you apologize, you are going to work on getting yourself into Addison Shepherd’s good graces.”

“It’s going to be a long, hard climb. . . . If Dr. Shepherd says to wash her car, you say, ‘would you like me to wax it, too, Dr. Shepherd?’ If she tells you to get her coffee, you splurge and bring her a muffin. You do not speak unless spoken to. You do not do anything except be helpful, polite, and respectful.”

“I realize you interns don’t always think things through, so let me spell out for you that you are on thin ice as far as this program is concerned. If Dr. Burke and the Drs. Shepherd decide they want you out, you are gone. And if you are gone from this program because they want you out, where exactly do you think you are going? What kind of recommendation do you think they’ll give you when their buddies at other hospitals call them up to ask about you? Your career as a surgeon will be over. Do you understand me?”

Alex looked at her and nodded.

“Repeat after me. ‘Yes, Dr. Bailey.’”

“Yes, Dr. Bailey.”

“Good, now go. And don’t let me ever hear another bad word about you from an attending. . . . Ever.”

**********

Izzie’s morning had been tough.

First, there had been Bailey’s lecture. She knew with her head that Bailey was right, but it’s not always possible to make your heart listen to your head.

And then there was actually explaining the situation to Denny.

Denny had listened, but no matter how she tried to explain it she didn’t think he understood that this painful five minutes under Bailey’s watchful eye was really the end. She was sure he believed she’d be back, sneaking in when no one was looking.

Izzie simply couldn’t afford to risk her career.

She’d worked too hard, sacrificed too much, to get from the trailer park to Seattle Grace. To be a surgeon. And Bailey had made abundantly clear exactly what she had to lose. Everything.

At least she didn’t mind working for Addison, especially since Addison was in a great mood after Alex’s groveling apology, which Izzie sadly had missed.

It might’ve put Addison in a great mood for Izzie, but it wasn’t enough to save Alex. While Izzie was working with Addison on an interesting case involving the likely delivery of a preemie so that the mother could be treated for a neurological disorder, Addison had given Alex a case that basically involved running back and forth to the lab once an hour. Nothing was expected to change, so it basically was just monitoring test results for the foreseeable future. Good exercise. No surgery.

“You OK?”

“Yeah,” Izzie turned and saw Meredith there. “Thanks for asking though.”

“Was Bailey really tough?”

“She called it like she saw it. She told me what I already knew – what you had warned me about, what Alex had said in his less than charming manner – that I couldn’t fall for a patient. She put it in starker terms, made the risks real. I can’t risk my internship or my license. And then she gave me five minutes under her watch to say goodbye.”

“Can you do it?”

“I don’t have a choice. . . . Do me a favor and try to explain it again to him, because I don’t think he got it when I said it. I think he still expects me to sneak back in his room. But I worked too hard to get here. I can’t risk everything I’ve accomplished for a flirtation, or even something more, with a patient.”

Meredith nodded. “I’ll try.”

“On another subject, where were you last night?”

“I was home.”

“But very late. . . . after I was asleep. How was McVet?”

Meredith smiled. “He was really nice. We delivered a horse.”

“Really?”

“Yep. And then we went back to his place and he was making me dinner. And Derek showed up with Doc.”

“What? Is Doc OK?”

“It’s touch and go. Doc took a turn for the worse again and Derek rushed him in. And there I am, having just showered off horse birthing goop, standing there in one of McVet’s shirts.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah. There was this contempt in his eyes. . . .”

“Ouch. I’m sorry.”

Just then Izzie’s pager went off. “Gotta go. My labs are in.”

As Izzie and Meredith raced off in opposite directions, neither of them saw Addison who had been just around the corner.

One unintentionally overheard conversation had changed everything.

Chapter 3: A Gray Seattle Afternoon

Bailey felt like herself again.

This morning she had reclaimed her title. Her proper position as chief disciplinarian and all around no-bullshit queen of the surgical staff.

No more disrespect. No more undermining her. No more mommy-tracking her.

She was Miranda Bailey. She was the Nazi.

Respect her. Fear her.

Or pay the price.

She had set her interns straight.

Izzie Stevens knew that she would no longer be flirting with patients. And Alex Karev, well, his apology to Addison Shepherd had been a sight to behold. Miranda was sorry she hadn’t witnessed it herself, but she had heard tales. Addison had left her quite the amusing phone message about Alex’s groveling, as well as his menial assignment of the day. That boy was going to be lucky if he saw an operating room in the next month.

Most importantly, people were once again respecting her. Fearing her. Fleeing from her wrath.

This was the way it was supposed to be.

She was paged to an emergency, and she performed a surgery. Nothing big – just wiping up the various non-life-threatening internal injuries from a moderately bad car accident. She had claimed the patient, had Yang take care of the necessary pre-op tests, and booked the OR before anyone could tell her otherwise.

She, with Yang’s assistance, had performed the surgery flawlessly.

Was there any doubt?

Now that she had whipped her interns back into shape, now that she had reclaimed her spot in the OR, now it was time to take care of the Chief.

Like her interns, Richard Webber apparently needed to be whipped into shape. Reminded who really was boss.

She was just the woman for the job.

******

“Mr. and Mrs. Winters, I’m your friendly neighborhood neurosurgeon, Derek Shepherd, and this is Dr. George O’Malley, the surgical intern working with me today,” Derek introduced himself and his intern to Beth Winters, the pregnant patient whose treatment he would be handling while Addison took care of delivering and caring for her premature baby, and her husband, Scott.

Addie has left him a message about the case, a referral from an old med school friend who had called Addison, and Bailey had assigned O’Malley to work with him on the case.

As his introduction might indicate, Derek was having a good day.

Though he had not gotten much sleep last night, it had been a very good night. A great night. A fabulous night. He and Addison had spent some quality time together and connected both physically and emotionally in a way they hadn’t been able to achieve since she came to Seattle.

Derek wasn’t sure he was ever going to be able to look at that tiny shower in the trailer in the same way. Indeed, future showers might all need to be cold. Every single one. That’s how hot the mere memory of the night before was.

And though Derek was paged in the wee hours, the emergency surgery had been successful and the victim of a drunk driver likely would walk again because of his efforts.

Now Derek was going to be working with his wife.

They always had fun working together when they were getting along, back in the good old days, before everything had blown up. After last night, he figured that working with Addie today would be a blast.

“I’m Beth and this is Scott. And I’m confused, Dr. Shepherd. Are you related to my new OBGYN or is the last name thing just coincidence?”

“As a matter of fact, I am. Almost 12 years ago, I was smart enough to con Addison into becoming my wife.”

“Lucky man.” Scott Winters grinned.

“And I know it,” Derek grinned right back. “But don’t let her know. I have to try to keep her guessing. It’s tough having a beautiful and brilliant wife. I have to work hard to keep up. I’m sure you understand my problem, Scott.”

As Shepherd bantered with their patient and her husband, George observed Derek, a little bit confused and bewildered.

Granted he hadn’t really been around the man as much since “McDreamy” and Meredith split and the Drs. Shepherd reunited, particularly since George had been working with Burke, Bailey, and even Addison a fair amount, but he had never seen Derek quite so happy or effusive about his wife.

It was quite a difference from the days when he walked around Seattle Grace calling her Satan to anyone who would listen. Back then, Derek Shepherd might have admitted that Addison was a good doctor, but George would have been stunned to hear Derek call Addison beautiful or brilliant or to characterize himself as lucky for being married to her.

And just the day before there had been the whole thing with the divorce attorney and the bad sex.

Although, when George thought about it, Derek himself had never appeared to be interested in the patient’s offer of representation.

Derek also had not been the one discussing the rumored bad sex. That was something Izzie had been talking about, something she had shared with him in front of their patient – which was more than a little bit inappropriate now that he thought about it in hindsight – something she probably got from Meredith. All of the attorney’s pro-divorce cues had come from George or Izzie, not from Derek.

Regardless of the quality of their sex life that particular morning, George suddenly realized that the Shepherds really had put their marriage back together. While everyone else was watching them bicker and battle, they had apparently more quietly fixed things under the surface.

George could respect that, even if he still harbored some resentment toward Derek for his treatment of Meredith. But certainly pots couldn’t afford to hold grudges against kettles, and he had made more than his own fair share of mistakes with and about Meredith Grey.

“Perhaps we should get down to business,” Derek said, handing George the patient’s chart. “Dr. O’Malley, why don’t you tell me how you think we should handle Mrs. Winters’s condition?”

As George outlined the necessary tests to assess Mrs. Winters’s neurological condition – a tumor growing in between two vertebrae in her back and affecting her spine, with additional pressure placed upon it by her pregnancy – Addison was sitting alone in one of the on-call rooms.

She had appropriated the on call-room for privacy and seclusion.

Sitting on the floor with her back against the wall, she had her knees pulled up to her chest and was hugging them.

She was willing back the tears in her eyes.

She had been so happy when she woke that morning, so thrilled that she and Derek had reconnected physically and emotionally.

She had felt married again.

The Doctors Shepherd had come together in a wild frenzy of hot sex followed by the real intimacy that comes from sharing lives, from communicating their thoughts and feelings, supporting one another, and commiserating over problems.

It was as if all of their slow, slow, slow, really slow, progress had culminated in this great moment where Addie found faith in their future. In their marriage. In their love.

And now?

After overhearing how Derek had seen Meredith with Finn Dandridge immediately before he came home and instigated sex with her, now Addison simply didn’t know what to think or believe.

Was the night before a lie?

Was that moment of passion, of hope, of love, at least on her part, really instigated on Derek’s part as a result of jealousy?

Did Derek come home seeking refuge in her body solely because he saw that Meredith was involved with another man?

Was last night’s iintimacy more about his feelings for Meredith than his feelings for her?

Did he really love her, Addison, as he had said the night before?

Or was he still in love with Meredith?

The doubts and the questions kept coming and coming.

Addison didn’t know how many more times she could handle getting her hopes up only to have her dreams of rebuilding her marriage, her life with her husband, shattered once again.

She had picked Derek, but had he picked her?

She loved Derek, but did he love her?

Hadn’t she paid the price for her mistakes? Wasn’t she entitled to forgiveness? To a new beginning?

She had told him once months ago that if he was going to keep hurting her, she was going to have to special order a new skin.

If things imploded now, if what she thought she saw and felt in Derek the night before was a lie, a facade, a mirage, Burke was going to have to perform a heart transplant.

Because no surgeon at Seattle Grace would be skilled enough to put back together the pieces of the one Derek destroyed.

And I haven't updated for a while....

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 03:19:26 GMT

Let's see if I remember how. Thanks, as always, to anyone who gives feedback. I always appreciate it.

Formalities: In case anyone hasn't ready the first 19 chapters, this is Cracks and Foundations, a long opus primarily about Addison and Derek, two Grey's Anatomy characters, although other GA characters as well as Lost characters make appearances. I do not own any of these characters. If I did, this might be on screen rather than in a livejournal. I make no profit. Thanks for the loan. I return them undamaged and only slightly used.

“I need to know, Derek. What made you decide to take the chance? Why didn’t you sign the divorce papers?”

Derek looked at his wife, practically curled up into a ball on the bench beside him, the angst and pain in her eyes as unmistakeable as the tears falling almost unconciously from her eyes.

He knew this was hurting her. It was hurting him.

Deep down they both were so wounded -- and part of the reason those wounds hadn’t healed in the months they had been back together in Seattle is that they had never really exposed their emotional gashes to air, to the oxygen of honesty and expressed emotion. Instead, fearful of making the situation worse, they had kept the wounds covered, and the infection festered.

Derek believed deep down that their marriage would be better for cauterizing the wounds. And he knew Addie believed it, too. That’s why they were putting themselves through these conversations.

But, sometimes, sometimes, he really wished for anesthesia.

Nevertheless, he realized that sometimes it was just better to rip the stitches, get all the pain out there. Then, maybe, they could really heal.

They could repair the foundation of their marriage.

“I wish I could give you a real reason, Addie, some wonderful romantic answer about how I knew you were my soulmate and I couldn’t live without you, even though I was still angry. I wish I could say that I looked at you and I just knew that I loved you and I could forgive you and that we would make it and live happily ever after. . . . I wish that was the case. The reality --”

Derek paused, took a deep breath, and Addison braced herself again. She could handle it, she told herself. They were committed, so she could deal with anything Derek had to say, anything she had to hear. . . . No matter what.

“When you handed me those papers, god, all I wanted to do was sign them.”

“I wanted you to disappear, to vanish from my life as if you had never come to Seattle. To take with you all those nasty feelings that you had brought back with your presence."

"I thought, if I signed the papers, I could get rid of them again – the anger, the resentment, the jealousy, the rage, and even the love – and all of my memories, too, of you and Mark, and even of the good times we’d had together. . . . Because those memories, they were reminders of what I’d lost.”

“I sat there with those papers, pen in hand. . . . And I wanted so badly to sign them, to excise you from my life, to go back to my world of denial, a world where you didn’t exist.”

“But every time I tried to put pen to paper, I just couldn’t do it. Believe me, I tried.”

“Something in me, for as much as I thought that I wanted you gone, that I couldn’t forgive you, that I was living a better life without you, couldn’t let you go. Rebelled at the very concept of permanently separating us.”

“Deep down there was something, something I couldn’t conciously put my thumb on, but something that wouldn’t allow me to sign those papers. . . . Something in me couldn’t conceive of a Derek actually living without Addison -- forever."

"I told Meredith that it was that you were my family. Twelve years of birthdays and holidays and just plain old ordinary days. Twelve years of memories -- of our wedding day, and the time I was doing laundry and flooded the laundryroom, of fighting over the Sunday crossword puzzle. Twelve years.”

“I didn’t know how to let go.”

“But I also didn’t know how to hang on. To forgive. To build something new. I was a walking mass of confusion, because I couldn’t seem to move forward, and I couldn’t seem to go back, and I just was in this limbo.”

“I know that even after I chose you, I still didn’t know how to get back to us, back to Derek and Addie.”

"I didn't know if I loved you. I remembered loving you, remembered us. But how could I love you if I coudln't trust you? How could I love you if I had no faith in myself?"

“And you were still chasing Meredith.” Addie whispered, and Derek looked up again at the sound.

“I don’t know if chasing was the right word. . . . Or maybe it is. I know I promised you that I would stop talking to her, but I couldn’t do it. It was like something was pulling me toward her. I thought at the time that maybe it was love.”

“You said it was love,” Derek’s heart twisted at the pain in Addie’s voice, “You told me you loved her.”

“I thought I loved her.”

“But the more I think about it, I don’t think I could have loved Meredith, because I was so wrecked that I was incapable of it. I think I chased Meredith for a lot of reasons.”

“For one, being with her -- even after I chose you -- was still easier than being with you, being reminded of everything we had been through and had to deal with, seeing the flashbacks of you and Mark together, intimate, that would pop into my head without warning. Meredith was the easier path.”

“And, I felt guilty. So guilty. I had never thought of myself as the kind of guy who would lie to a woman about something so fundamental as being married. . . . What kind of sleaze did that make me? I was her boss, too, and I had disregarded so many warnings about getting involved with her. Everything was playing out in public, in front of all the people we worked with and her friends. And then to dump her on top of it? I felt so guilty, and so horrible about myself.”

"Being around her was in a way like pennance. I wanted to torture myself, to hear her condemn me the way that I was condemning me."

“The more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve realized that what I loved was what Meredith represented. Meredith was a fresh start, she was potential. . . . While Meredith and I each had baggage, it wasn’t the same kind of baggage that you and I had; it wasn’t 12 years of baggage. It was her baggage and my baggage; it wasn’t our baggage.”

“And,” Derek wanted to reach out and touch Addison, but she didn’t look as if she could bear it. He didn’t know if his touch would be reassuring or not, so he kept his hands to himself. “I was around her more than you knew.”

“What do you mean?”

“I used to seek her out, jump in elevators to get a few minutes with her, arrange to work with her.”

“Just how oblivious do you think I am, Derek? . . . There is a reason why I generally walk the stairs at Seattle Grace. It's not just because stairs are good for cardiovascular health, or to keep the cafeteria from adding pounds to my hips.”

“Do you really? . . . I guess I’m the oblivious one. . . . We also, we used to meet in the mornings to walk Doc when it was my turn. We told ourselves we were friends, but I don’t think we were at that point. We were still emotionally involved; I was still cheating on you emotionally. . . .”

“And I’m so sorry, Addie.”

“I know you were working so hard to try to make things right, and I just wasn’t focusing on you, I was focusing on Meredith. . . .”

Derek saw new tears begin to fall from her beautiful eyes and he idly wondered if it was possible for a person to actually damage their tear ducts from too much crying. And he made a vow, a silent one, that if -- when -- they survived these discussions, he was never going to make his wife cry again.

“And another reason for that, although I only admitted it to myself recently, was that I wanted to make you pay, to make you suffer the way I suffered.”

“You got your wish,” Addie wished she had bitten her tongue fast enough to keep the retort in.

“Not very honorable, is it? . . . I wanted to punish you, to get my revenge. And I wanted to test you, to see if you really wanted me, if you would put up with me. . . . I didn’t realize that that’s what I was doing until recently, but in hindsight it seems clear.”

Addison nodded.

“I’m about done, about ready for our break,” she said, reaching up to wipe away yet more tears. “But I have one question that I need the answer to.”

Derek nodded his assent.

“Do you still love Meredith?”

“No. I am not in love with Meredith Grey.”

Derek looked his wife in the eye when he answered the question, softly but firmly. But then Addie dropped her own eyes back to her knees curled up to her chest, and he knew that he had to move forward, had to finish this before they separated to process the conversation, the pain and heartache brought to the forefront by his accounting of his own affair.

“I am in love with you . . . . I told you before. . . . I don’t think I ever loved Meredith, at least not like I love you. My heart was in pieces when I met Meredith, and maybe I wanted to love her, because that would have shown that I was still capable of loving anyone, and because she was like this fresh new innocent woman in my world of pain and heartbreak.”

“But to love someone, you have to know them, you have to trust them with who you are, your good points and your bad, and trust them to love you in spite of the bad. Meredith and I were never at that point with each other, because I couldn’t possibly trust anyone with me, with my heart, with my future.”

“She only ever saw a shell,” Derek let a flash of a grin sneak through, “a fabulous shell, but a shell nonetheless.”

“And then you came back,” Derek’s grin faded. “Like I said before, Addie, seeing you just generated this giant morass of emotions from which I could not escape. . . . How could I, how could I possibly even think of loving someone else when I was so mixed up, so confused, so overwhelmed by my feelings for and about you?”

“I might have wanted to love Meredith, and I might have tried to love her, and I told you I loved her, but I didn’t.”

“I don’t know exactly why I told you what I did, because even then I don’t think I thought it was true. . . . Maybe I wanted it to be true. But I think it was really more about you and me then it was about me and Meredith.”

“Maybe I was feeling trapped by you, your presence, your eagerness to reclaim what I didn’t know how to find. . . . And maybe I just wanted to hurt you. I know I did, and for that I am sorry.”

“Even if I had loved Meredith, it wouldn’t have been the same as the way I love you. Because I firmly believe that a person can only have one other half; it’s two halves that make the whole. . . . And you were my soulmate. You had ripped me apart, but that didn’t change the fact that underneath that swirling ball of emotions I still loved you and you were my other half, my soulmate. It just took me a while to recognize it. . . . And it took me even longer to trust in it.”

“To believe in you, in us again.”

Derek couldn’t help himself and he reached forward and covered Addie’s hand with his own, but she kept her eyes down. She just couldn’t handle any more from Derek at that moment.

“But I’m there, Addie. I do believe in us, in our future, and that’s why we’re doing all this.”

“I still care about Meredith. I’m not going to lie.”

“But, whatever I may have felt before, it’s morphed into caring the way one would care about a friend with whom you’ve been through some tough times. Because we went through some tough times together.”

“And I do think she’s amazing – a littlle messed up, but who am I to judge anyone for being messed up? And I still feel a little guilty, for screwing up her life while I was such a disaster about my own. I guess you could say I love her, but I’m not in love with her; I love her the way I love Savvy and Weiss, the way I love Bailey. She really is a friend. . . . Only now, I truly believe, the friendship is not about trying to hang onto her as more than a friend, or as she puts it, as her ‘not-friend,’ but about actually being friends.”

“And what I feel for her, it’s nothing compared to what I feel for you. And that is ultimately why I believe I couldn’t sign the divorce papers, because beyond all the pain and the hurt there is this fundamental truth. That I, Derek, love you, Addison, and that there will never be anyone else who can hold a candle to you in my heart.”

Addie nodded, before she unfolded herself from her curled-up position on the bench. She abstractly noted that she shouldn’t have sat like that for so long, as her limbs were stiff and unwilling to do as she commanded. But she needed to get away, to process, to deal with what Derek had revealed before she said something she regretted, before her own body imploded from the ball of emotions that Derek’s words had set free.

So she started walking.

“Addie.”

She heard Derek’s voice and she paused, but she didn’t turn around.

“I love you, and I’ll see you back at the B&B.”

Addison took a deep breath. “Yeah, I’ll see you there.”

Derek watched Addison walk away, and he knew that he had once again caused her pain.

That was hard for him to deal with – even though he believed that the pain was for a good cause, that it was healing pain, rather than the kind he had inflicted either through his absence or through his intentional infliction of hurts large and small since the affair with Mark.

Unlike yesterday, when he had spent three hours trying to process what he was told, now he had three hours stretched in front of him in which he didn’t know how he was going to avoid thinking about the anguish he caused his wife.

What if, after everything, she decided she couldn’t forgive him after all?

He had done some pretty unforgiveable things.

He had told his wife that he loved another.

He had flaunted his past physical and ongoing emotional affair in front of her, and he now recognized that she had been far more aware of his actions with Meredith than he had even attended.

What if she didn’t come back?

‘No,’ Derek told himself firmly. ‘You have to believe in Addison and in your love. In your life together. In your marriage. In your wife.’

As Derek worried, it was Addison’s turn to walk away, to choose for the first time to get away from Derek.

Their conversation, well to say that it had been hard for her to hear was the worst kind of understatement. There were points when she thought her heart would simply stop beating from the pain. As a physician, she believed that emotions could affect the body, and vice versa, and Derek’s words had caused her so much pain that she thought it could potentially stop her heart.

Derek had wanted to sign the divorce papers. Affirmatively wanted to.

Derek had actually pursued another woman. He had chased Meredith Grey, despite everyone’s warnings, despite the fact that he was married, despite the fact that he was her boss. He had been so attracted to her that it had overcome his common sense.

He loved Meredith. Even he wasn’t in love with her, the fact was he truly and deeply cared about her. And, while she knew that she cared about Mark, the caring in her case was a result of more than a decade of friendship that pre-dated her affair with him, not a result of the affair itself.

He had wanted to hurt her back. She could understand that. She could not imagine what Derek must have felt when he found her with Mark, and despite his best explanations and his forgiveness now, she understood that desire to cause pain in return.

But the method he had chosen. Derek had – when she believed they were trying to fix their relationship – lied to her, misled her, about the extent of his ongoing relationship with Meredith. She had suspected and let it go, to some extent, because she was afraid of what confrontation would bring. But, that didn’t stop the confirmation from devastating her.

How was she supposed to trust him again? And how was he supposed to trust her? What if they couldn’t get back what they had lost – the trust that was the foundation of who they were?

For the second day in a row, Addie let her emotions overcome her. She cried, she tried to drown the pain, the doubts with her tears.

And when her tears were spent, she tried to sift back through their conversation, looking for the positives, looking for the things that she could cling to, could pin her hopes and dreams on?

Whether he’d wanted to or not, Derek had chosen her. He hadn’t – even when they were at their worst – been able to sign those divorce papers. She looked down at the bands on her hand and said a silent prayer of thanks.

Derek was willing to go through all of this, to really fight for them. For the first time since she had moved to Seattle, he was really willing to talk about their feelings. Though it was killing them both, that had to be better than the faked progress they pretended to make with their marriage therapist.

Derek said that what he felt for Meredith paled next to what he felt for her. Addison clung to his words as they echoed in his brain, for she knew that if Derek were to wake up one day and decide he made the wrong choice, it would surely kill her. She liked to think of herself as strong, but there was only so much emotional trauma she could take.

So she let her memory of his words wash over her again:

“What I feel for Meredith, it’s nothing compared to what I feel for you. And that is ultimately why I believe I couldn’t sign the divorce papers, because beyond all the pain and the hurt there is this fundamental truth. That I, Derek, love you, Addison, and that there will never be anyone else who can hold a candle to you in my heart.”

C&F, Chapter 19

Sun, 04 Jun 2006 20:06:55 GMT

If the GA withdrawal is this bad in June, what are we all going to do for the next three months?

Disclaimer: Derek & Addison Shepherd still aren't mine, and I make no profit from them. Thanks for letting me play with them.

For the second morning in a row, Derek Shepherd woke up intertwined with his wife, as close as two people can be.

And the closeness only made him realize yet again how distant he and Addison had been before this weekend. They had been together but apart.

Now, finally, they were tearing down the wall between them.

Silently, he thanked Celia Booker and his brother Jack once again. He hoped Celia was kicking up her heels in Paris. And, Jack, well, he just hoped Jack found his own soulmate somewhere.

The night before he and Addison had renewed their vows in a private ceremony for two. He had restaked his claim on his best friend, his lover, his better half, his soul, and he knew that she owned his heart and his soul and his body. Now, the hand lying on Addie’s hip was once again wearing his wedding ring.

And it felt right. The way it should be.

***

A few hours later, Addie and Derek had partaken of the B&B's delicious (and decadent) breakfast and then taken a long hike to stretch their legs and work off some small portion of the food they were consuming that weekend.

The scenery was beautiful, and the conversation was lighthearted as the two just enjoyed each other’s company again.

It felt good to be just Derek and Addie. Together alone. Away from the demands of everyday life.

After their hike, they grabbed a quick sandwhich for a late lunch in a cute coffeeshop Addie had spotted the day before.

Then the Doctors Shepherd ended up back at the same bench in downtown Victoria that they had occupied the day before.

It was as if they had designated that spot to be where they did their serious talking. And, for as much as they had put on the table the day before, as much as things had improved during the last few days, there remained plenty more to cover.

As they sat and took a moment before diving back into their issues, Derek leaned forward and captured Addie’s mouth with his. It was a kiss of love, of reassurance, and Addie gave as good as she got.

When Derek finally pulled away, Addie said, “So where do we start today?”

“First, I just want to thank you again. I know how hard our conversation was yesterday, and you are so brave and amazing for being willing and able to share all of that with me. I know it was scary for both of us, but I think it was worth it.”

“And I’m sorry, Addie, for my role in everything, for not being there for you in New York, and for not staying and fighting for you when everything blew up.”

“Can you forgive me?” Addie asked, and Derek almost smiled in amusement when she began twirling a curl around a finger nervously. The nervous habits were so unlike the Addison that most people saw, and he knew that now was not the time for teasing. He leaned forward and lay the palm of his right hand against her face, needing the contact.

“Yes. . . . I love you, Addie, and I know I said I hadn’t forgiven you when Mark came, but the pain was so raw then. Seeing Mark brought it all back, ripped my heart wide open again.”

“I guess I needed to know that you would pick me, that you would stay and fight for me, for my forgiveness, for our life together even when I wasn’t acting like somebody who was worth fighting for. . . . You’ve shown me how much you love me, so how could I possibly not forgive you?”

Addie’s smile of relief was instantaneous and wide and joyful, and it made Derek smile back. He just didn’t have a choice, but then the smile faded as he thought about what had to come next.

“And I think turnabout’s fair play. So I think today I should talk about Meredith. I know -- like yesterday -- it’ll be hard for us, but I don’t want there to be any secrets, any walls between us.”

Addie nodded, and Derek watched as she pulled her knees up onto the bench with her, putting her arms around them. It was as if she was folding herself up into a little ball, making herself as small a target as possible so as to minimize the potential pain. If only that worked with emotional pain, Derek thought.

“First, like you said yesterday, I want you to remember that I love you. I chose you. I want us to have the most amazing future together. That’s what we’re working for.”

“And, just like yesterday, when we’re done, when we need a break, we’ll take our three hours and meet back at the B&B. I promise you that I’ll be there, and . . . I need to know that you’re going to be there, too.”

“I promise.” Addie had no hesitation about making that vow.

She had been fighting to get her husband back, her marriage back, herself back, since well before she even came to Seattle. She didn't think there was anything Derek could say, ever -- other than that he didn't want her or didn't love her anymore -- that could keep her away. Given the way things had been between them the past few days, she knew that whatever painful revelations Derek was about to make she would find a way to deal with. Because there was no way she was giving up after they had come so far.

Besides, what could he possibly say that would hurt more than that he loved Meredith? And she had already been there and done that. She chose not to buy the T-shirt, but the memory was alive and well and heartbreaking in its vividness.

“OK, then, . . . I guess I should start at the beginning. . . . When I came to Seattle, I was, well, I’m not even sure how to describe what I was. I had picked up and moved without a word to anyone, to you, to Mark, to my family, to other friends.”

“I just couldn’t deal with what I had seen and so I left. I ran away. Thankfully, I had the offer from Richard on my plate, and since the only thing I could handle doing was working, I gave notice at the hospital in New York and I came to Seattle. No one here knew me, except for Richard. I could hide and lick my wounds, or just ignore that I had any.”

“I admit it was not especially brave, and it probably wasn’t the best way to handle things, but I wasn’t really using my brain at that time. I was just working off of instinct, and my instinct was to get as far away from you and Mark as possible.”

“I met Meredith at Joe’s, the night before she started her internship. I wasn’t looking for her, or anyone. I was just looking for a drink. Or a lot of drinks – not especially smart, particularly given my family history. You would think I would know better than to drown my feelings in alcohol.”

“But I didn’t. I drank. Then I drank some more. And I flirted with the pretty blond at the bar andm\, after I drank some more, I went home with her.”

“The next morning she told me she was late for her first day of work, and I should get out. I had no idea she was an intern. I tried to be polite, but I didn’t figure I would ever see her again. Just a typical one-night stand, I guess, not that I’ve had many.”

“Then, I get to the hospital and there was Meredith. She was so embarrassed, mortified that she had unknowingly jumped into bed with one of her bosses.”

“I pursued her. Meredith was just this fresh-faced young intern, so determined to become a surgeon. Watching her and her friends, sometimes when I wasn’t careful, I would flash back and see us the way we used to be. Alex, the overconfident one like Mark. George, the nerdy nice guy like I always thought I was. And Meredith, Meredith was like a young you, so smart and eager and determined to make her own way. I think that’s a big part of what drew me to Meredith, she was like you back when we fell in love, back before we grew apart.”

“I pursued her. She kept trying to push me away because I was the attending. And, when Bailey found out about us, well, the Nazi was more than ready to kill both her and me.”

“But, for as much as I pursued Meredith, at the same time, I never let her in. She only saw the surface Derek, the charming, cocky surgeon. The flirty doctor. She never knew the real me.”

“Actually, we never let each other in. I couldn’t. If I so much as thought about you, thought about our marriage, our lives together, I started to break down. So I just didn’t. I did my best to try not to imagine you and Mark happy together in New York, like I thought you were – I know better now, of course, after our discussion yesterday but that’s what I thought then. I tried to keep the images of you and he together at bay."

"So in order to avoid that, I just kind of ignored the fact that I had any life at all before I moved to Seattle.”

“I think Meredith would have picked up on that sooner, except she had her own issues that she was dealing with. She was trying to keep under wraps that Ellis had Alzheimers.”

“We were both so busy trying to keep up the images of what we wanted everyone to think of us, that we never got past the surface with each other. When they brought Ellis into the hospital, I was as surprised as everyone else. And after that Meredith started pushing me for information about me -- where I lived, what my family was like. I gave her few details. None of the important stuff, about you or New York. Not long after that, you showed up.”

“And you hated me,” Addie interjected, breaking into Derek’s monologue for the first time. It caused him to look up at her. During his speech, he kept looking down at his hands. He knew he had to get it all out, and he wasn’t sure he could do it if he looked her in the eyes.

But her remark caused him to look up and catch her eye.

“I will admit to feeling 100 million emotions combined, Addie, when I saw you walking across the hospital lobby to confront me. Fear, worry, exhileration, grief, joy, dread, horror, fright, pain, rage, relief, anger, love, desire. You name an emotion and a shot of it probably went through me in the minute after I saw you. I couldn't even process the emotions. I just watched you walking toward me and all I could hear this little voice in my head shouting over and over, 'Addie's here.'"

"No matter what I said then, Addie, I could never truly hate you.”

“It was like in that one minute everything had come rushing back, every feeling I had suppressed for months erupted simultaneously and I didn’t know how to handle it.”

“I didn’t know what you wanted. I felt guilty, so guilty, for what I had done to Meredith. She had no idea that you existed, and I felt like I was responsible for ripping open her heart the way that mine had been ripped open.”

“And I had no idea what you wanted. Did you want me back? . . . Or were you really just in Seattle for the consult? When you said you still loved me, still wanted me, I didn’t know what to believe. Was that real? Or did you just want me as some kind of fallback because things hadn’t worked out with Mark?”

“It was never that, Derek, I swear. I love you, I wanted only you.”

“I know that now,” Derek replied quickly, once again reaching for her hand and letting his fingers feeling the wedding bands safely on her fingers. “But then I was just so full of a zillion contradictory thoughts and feelings, and I was afraid to believe that you had come to Seattle for me, to get me back, to love me. I couldn't believe that an Addison who wanted me, who loved me, was anything more than a mirage. . . . Illusory."

"So I called you names. Did my best to drive you away again, so I could tuck all those messy emotions back into a nice safe box.”

Addie used her hand to wipe the tears from her face. She took a deep breath and asked the question that had run through her mind over and over and over again during the last several months.

“I need to know, Derek. What made you decide to take the chance? Why didn’t you sign the divorce papers?”

Chapter 18

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 23:55:29 GMT

The entry speaks for itself: Cracks & Foundations, Chapter 18

Disclaimer: They own me; I don't own them.

Chapter 18

*************

“Reservation for two. Shepherd.”

As the Shepherds waited for the hostess to seat them, they stood close together.

Addison was wearing the sexy little black dress her husband had packed, strappy sandals, and a shawl to ward off the cool night air. The dress was short -- not so short as to be risque, but short enough to show off her long legs to their full advantage. Her hair was loose and curling, and the smile on her face made Derek’s insides twist. In the best possible way.

Derek could not help but observe how beautiful his wife was. Looking at her legs made him flash back to the very first time he saw her in a dress, at the welcome party for the new batch of med school students. She was wearing another classic little black dress that showed off her legs to advantage that night 16 years ago. Time had only made Addison more beautiful to him.

He kept her hand firmly clasped in his and his body as close as possible, so no others might get the idea that she was available. He realized that it was a bit silly to worry about that given everything they had survived.

He knew Addie had no intention of making the same mistake twice, yet he could not help be glad for the rings on her left hand that signaled to all potential wolves that Addison was his. Not that he was ever going to give her reason again to feel neglected and go looking for affection elsewhere.

Addie leaned in even closer to him and whispered, “You smell good.”

“Not too girlie?”

“Definintely not too girlie. . . . Sexy. . . . It makes me want to take you back to the B&B and well,” Addie dropped her voice even further, to a throaty growl that Derek had to strain to hear but the tone of which sent sparks of desire up his spine even before he heard her words. “see if you taste as good as you smell.”

“Didn’t we just test that theory while we were drying off?”

“There can never be too many tests of this particular theory. After all, we wouldn’t want to be less than scientific in our experiments. It might ruin our reputations, Dr. Shepherd. . . . Perhaps I’ll just have to perform another experiment for dessert. Nothing like a little almond-vanilla Derek to make my mouth water.”

Derek’s stomach twisted again with anticipation as he leaned in for a quick kiss. When Addie tried to deepen it, he pulled away. If he had let her, he might have been tempted to rip off that little black dress and show her how much he desired her right there in public.

They were dining in an old lighthouse that had been converted into a four-star restaurant. Bailey had assured Derek that, like the B&B, the Old Lighthouse – as it was actually called – was full of romantic ambiance and excellent food. Nevertheless, Derek didn’t think the staff or the other patrons would appreciate him making love to his wife in the entryway.

The hostess came back and led them to a cozy table for two with an excellent view, where they ordered a bottle of wine and listened to the specials.

As Derek watched Addie peruse the menu, he tried to remember the last time they’d been out for a romantic dinner like this one. And he realized again that it had been way too long.

Like Celia Booker’s husband, he’d simply forgotten what was important in life. Thankfully Celia and Jack had both reminded him.

When their waittress left with their orders in hand, Addie smiled nervously at Derek, and then worried her lip.

“What are you thinking about?” Derek asked, taking her hand in his both to reassure her and just because he liked to.

“Can I ask you a question? Or maybe I should wait until our next ‘discussion’? . . . I don’t want to ruin tonight.”

“Why don’t you ask, and then we can decide if we want to talk about it now or later?”

“OK. Why now?”

“Why now what?”

“What happened in Denver that made you suddenly plan all of this stuff? Because I feel like there had to be some trigger and I don’t know. . . . ”

Derek smiled wryly.

“We can definitely talk about this now. . . . What happened in Denver was that I saw my brother.”

“Huh?”

Addie had known that Jack was going to be at the neurosurgery conference as well; after all, neurosurgery was practically a genetic commandment for a Shepherd male. And Jack and Derek liked to use conferences as time to catch-up, guy time. Often they’d add on a few days for a “guy trip” to get some quality twin time. But she didn’t get what Jack had to do with this.

“Jack made you decide to be romantic? Because, no offense, but something about that seems more than a little bit weird.”

“No, Jack reminded me that I wanted to remain married to you. Because I didn’t want to be him. . . . And then he told me that since I wanted to remain married to you, I should remove my head from my ass and act like a husband you might want to keep around.”

“I’m not exactly following. Why wouldn’t you want to be Jack?”

“Sarah left him. She decided she had enough of being married to an absentee husband, she fell for someone else, and she just packed her bags and left.”

“That’s terrible. They’ve only been married less than two years. Is Jack OK?”

“He’s doing as well as can be expected. Apparently he came home from the hospital one day and she’d already packed her bags; he offered to work at it, go to counseling, spend less time at the hospital. She wasn’t interested. She’d already moved on. She didn’t fight at all.”

“Jack’s doing OK, but not great, just OK. . . . I think he realized that they never really knew each other. Sarah saw him as this perfect savior who had fixed her back, helped her walk again. And he said her as an angel. They never learned enough about each other to really have anything real, to have a marriage, to have anything worth fighting for. Now I think he doesn’t really know what he wants.”

“And talking to him, he pointed out to me that we were the opposite of him and Sarah. . . . We’ve known each other for so long, seen each other through really tough times both personally and professionally. We may not be perfect, either together or apart, but we both know that, we both know each other’s flaws, and we love each other anyway.”

“Most of all, he reminded me that you were here fighting for me, even though – as Jack put it – you’ve had to put up with me at my worst.”

Addison smiled, a real smile, the kind that made Derek’s heart beat faster.

“Your worst, huh? I wonder what Jack thinks that is.”

“He’s right, Addie. You have had to put up with me at my worst, especially when you first came to Seattle. I am sorry for that. I’m not sure I would go back and change it, because I think I needed to know that you would, that you wouldn’t just give up, that I was worth it to you, even when I was being mean and sarcastic and worse.”

“Were you mean and sarcastic? I didn’t notice,” Addie kidded.

Just then, the waittress arrived with their meals.

Over dinner, they let the conversation drift. Derek shared with Addison the family gossip that Jack had shared with him, particularly the juicy rumor that his youngest sister was finally giving up on escaping the family legacy. She was taking the MCAT but keeping it a secret from the family. Then there was the even juicier rumor that the oldest of his three sisters, Charlotte, was pregnant again, with her fourth child.

They ate and they shared easy conversation, company and comraderie. For dessert – at least the first, actually edible round – they shared a chocolate mousse that was quite simply the best thing either of them had ever eaten.

When they finished, Derek suggested that they go out on the balcony of the lighthouse, and see the view through the flashes of the still working light. While a functioning restaurant – and admittedly tourist trap as well – the owners also kept the light going, both for ambience and for sailers.

Outside it was chilly, and Derek wrapped his arms around Addie, with her leaning back against his chest, as they looked at the gorgeous view.

In between the flashes of light, they could see the stars in the sky, and in the flashes themselves, they could see the coastline and the ocean. In this romantic setting, Derek thought about how good it was to have her back in his arms and back in his life. He realized that despite his angst earlier in the day, he had already decided who and what he wanted for the rest of his life.

When he pulled away, Addison turned to see what he was up to.

Derek looked her in the eyes, and raised one hand to touch her cheek and then tuck her flying curls behind her ear.

“I have something I want to say.”

“OK.” Something in Derek’s tone made Addison’s stomach churn with nerves, although she couldn’t put her finger on it. After the past few couple days, she had no reason to be nervous and yet she couldn’t help it.

“I love you, Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd. The day that you walked down the aisle of that church and married me is the best day of my life. And . . . I guess, I’m sort of looking at this trip like a second wedding, a chance to reaffirm our commitment to each other.”

As Derek talked, Addison started to cry, the tears running silently down her cheeks and once again Derek brought his hand to her face to wipe them away.

“Having survived all of the turmoil of the past months, I think this is the right spot and the right time. . . . I want you to know that I do love you and that I promise to love you, to cherish you for all the days of our lives. I promise to share your troubles and sorrows, and your joys and hopes and dreams, and to share mine with you. I promise to be your confidante, your partner in life, your best friend and your lover for now and for always.”

The words echoed to Addison. She knew them. She remembered hearing them before as if their wedding had been just yesterday instead of almost 12 years earlier.

“I love you, too, Derek.” Addison took a deep breath before repeating her own vows from so long ago, the tears still streaming down her cheeks as they had when she married him the first time. “I promise to love you and to cherish you for all the day of our lives. I promise to share your troubles and your sorrows, and your hopes, dreams and joys, and to share mine with you. I promise you a life together, to be your confidante, your partner in life, your best friend and your lover, for now and for always.”

Derek leaned in and kissed her, a kiss of commitment, of affirmance. And he took her left hand in his, rubbing her wedding ring with his thumb. And then with his other hand, he produced a small box from his pocket.

“If this were our first wedding, we’d exchange rings now. You still have yours; you’re still wearing it. . . . But I thought maybe this would be a good time to restore mine to where it belongs.”

Addie smiled and kissed him again before she took the box and opened it to reveal Derek’s wedding ring. And she slipped it on his finger, where it belonged, and she brought his hand to her mouth and kissed it as if to seal the deal.

Then, she grinned mischieviously, making Derek’s toes curl.

“You may kiss the bride,” she pronounced.

And he did.

Happy Memorial Day weekend

Sat, 27 May 2006 05:15:26 GMT

Hope everyone has good plans for the holiday weekend. C&F continues here. For those wondering I'm now up to about 25 chapters, so the reposting will continue as I also keep writing. The story does have an ending point, but it always seems farther and farther away as I write each chapter. Is that the Murphy's law of writing? Anyway, I should add that feedback is always welcomed and desired!

Cracks and Foundations, a story about Derek and Addison Shepherd, two Grey's Anatomy characters that I still sadly do not own or profit from in any way.

Chapter 17

Then they stopped and stared at each other.

Each could see that the last few hours had taken their toll.

The telltale signs of tears were present on both their faces, despite the fact that Addison had tried to cover up the evidence of hers with make-up.

“Hi.”

Derek looked at his wife, standing there so clearly nervous, and was grateful that he had followed his instinct to get back a few minutes early.

He didn’t like the thought of Addison waiting there, worrying that he wasn’t going to show. He couldn’t blame her for her fears, as they had spent all afternoon talking about the very thing that sent him fleeing across the country once before.

She definitely had good cause, although he wished that she could trust, have faith. They would have to build up that trust once again.

Meanwhile, he was sure that Addie had worried from the moment he left her on that bench.

Hopefully, the fact that he was there – and there early – was reassuring to her, both for today and for the future when they discussed their issues.

He had needed the time to think, to process, to deal with his emotions on his own, rather than letting the negativity overflow and saying things he didn’t mean that would hurt his wife even more.

Derek had already said plenty of harsh things in the past weeks and months, many of which he regretted. Nevertheless, the last thing he wanted was for his need for some time alone to think to leave Addison terrified again that he wasn’t committed to her, that he wasn’t coming back to her, that he didn't love her.

“Hi.”

Addison was unsure what to expect from Derek.

She had been so afraid that he wasn’t coming back, that she was going to end up alone again. She was so relieved that he had shown up, grateful that he had been early and put an end to her worrying – at least on that front.

But had their conversation made things better or worse? What if he had changed his mind about saving their marriage now that he knew the whole truth?

“I know I’m a few minutes early,” she confessed. “But frankly I couldn’t stay away any longer. . . . I’m so glad you’re here.”

Derek reached out and pulled his wife into a hug, a tight hug, a barely-can-get-any-breath-in-the-lungs hug.

And she was more than OK with that. Breathing was highly overrated. Hugs were much more necessary to her existence.

Derek could feel the relief, the love, as Addison hugged him back just as tightly.

After a minute Derek pulled back just enough to permit him to use one hand to brush Addie’s hair from her face and to permit him to look her in her gorgeous green eyes.

“Thank you.”

“For?” Addie raised an eyebrow.

“For a lot of things,” Derek stole a quick kiss. “For opening up and telling me the truth about Mark. For letting me go off and think things through on my own. For trusting me to come back to you, even though I know it was against all of your better instincts. For giving me another chance to be your husband, to get it right this time around.”

Addie couldn’t believe she still had tears, but she felt her eyes start to water.

“I didn’t have a choice, Derek,” Addie blinked back the tears. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Addison. I said it yesterday, and I’m going to say it again today, and I’m going to say it again tomorrow and every day after that. I don’t want us ever to forget again, to take each other for granted again.”

“And I know it was hard on you,” he leaned in and kissed her again, softly, for reassurance and for love. “I know it was hard to talk to me and to let me go think, but I believe that we’re going to be better for it, we’re going to be better in the end for having really talked about our issues.”

She shook her head.

“We’re not done yet.”

“I know. Today was just a start," Derek stole another kiss, and wondered that he had been able to go so many days and weeks and months without focusing his attention on his wife and her magical lips. "But I have to believe that if we can talk about Mark and still end up back here kissing and hugging and being with each other a few hours later, that we can talk about anything and survive, even if sometimes it’s hard. . . . "

"Because we both want to," Derek continued. "We are both committed to and fighting for us, for our marriage, for our future. Because we love each other and, no matter what, no matter the horrendous mistakes that we both made, that hasn’t changed.”

Addison couldn’t help herself. She fused her lips to her husband’s, as if trying to draw strength and energy and love and commitment from his mouth.

When she felt restored enough to break away, she led him through the bed and breakfast to their room. She needed to be alone with Derek, to feel close to Derek, and to have him feel close to her.

And she had an idea.

With a capital I.

When they got to the privacy of their room, Addison went in the bathroom while Derek sat on the edge of the bed. When she came out, she left the water running.

Addie went to her luggage and pulled out a plastic bag. From that bag, she pulled the vanilla-almond bubble bath that Derek had given her the day before.

“Addie?”

She smirked.

“Yes, Derek?”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m thinking about taking all of my clothes off.”

“For the record, I always like that idea. . . unless we’re in public or an OR or someplace crazy.”

“And making use of this wonderful bathtub and this fabulous smelling bubble bath that my amazing husband gave me,” she continued, removing her shoes and socks as she spoke.

She went in to the bathroom and poured in the bubblebath, as Derek sat on the bed in contemplation.

“I’m also thinking . . . .” Addie’s voice trailed off as she came out of the bathroom and started shedding more of her clothing.

“Yes.” Derek’s eyes followed his wife as she began to disrobe more fully. His eyes grew more focused as she progressively removed her sweater, and then her jeans.

Just watching her was putting less than fully pure thoughts in his head.

Addison would never admit that she was deliberately putting on a show.

But, of course, she was.

She knew that the matching underwear with the creatively positioned lace was practically designed to make Derek salivate.

He never told her which of her lingerie he loved, but it was important for a surgeon to have keen observation skills. Addie brought those skills outside the OR into her marriage whenever possible, and she had picked this particular set out with Derek’s underwear fetishes in mind.

A woman had to learn something about her man in almost twelve years of marriage.

And she knew how to strike a pose to show off both her lingerie and the rest of her assets to prime effect.

Derek knew that his wife was teasing him, tempting him, taunting him, and he smiled mischievously, determined to prolong her enticement.

Though there was no real doubt how this scenario was going to end.

“About whether I can lure my husband into the bathtub with me.”

“Doesn’t that stuff smell girlie?”

Addie laughed. “You don’t think vanilla almond is a manly scent?”

“Not particularly.”

“Perhaps you should have considered that when you gave Savvy the directions about what to purchase.”

“You want me to tell Savvy how to shop for bubble bath?” Derek laughed at the thought.

“Well, if you object that much to the scent,” Addie smirked as she removed the lacy bra and dropped it quite deliberately on the floor, and then turned to give Derek another show before walking into the bathroom, her voice trailing out behind her.

“I guess you’ll have to figure out how to entertain yourself for the next little while.”

Easier to Repost Than to Write

Tue, 23 May 2006 00:00:05 GMT

My theme for today is that it's easier to repost than to write. No duh, huh? Of course, as I repost -- and for that matter, as I write -- I'm always rereading. And I hate when I catch my own mistakes 'cause it means I put them out there in the world. So sorry for those of you who've caught mistakes. You beta and you proofread, and they still get out there in the world.

Anyway, I still live in my delusional Addison and Derek fictional world, which -- DISCLAIMER ALERT -- for the record I do not own. So here's Cracks & Foundations:

Chapter 15

Addison Shepherd knew when it was time to cry.

Recounting to Derek the story of how she ended up in bed with Mark for the first time, and then how she stayed with him while trying to pick up the shattered pieces of herself while Derek fled New York – well, if that didn’t justify a full-fledged sobfest, she didn’t know what did.

Derek had left her there, sitting on a park bench in the middle of Victoria, when he left after hearing her story to deal with it himself.

Addison was terrified.

Terrified that this time when he fled he was going to leave not just the city, not just the state, but maybe the country or even the hemisphere. Maybe they needed a neurosurgeon in Australia? Or Antarctica?

Terrified that she would be sitting at the B&B all by herself and the three-hour mark would pass and once again she would be alone, with no idea where Derek was.

There was no one in Victoria to help her pick up the pieces.

And, even with help, Addie simply was not sure that she could do it again. The core of steel inside her remained weakened by the flaws from the last time Derek left.

One more time would probably be the end.

She’d be like one of those buildings that simply, having lost its structural support, fell in upon itself.

But, as Addie sobbed, she began to feel lighter.

There was a physical and an emotional release.

She had no more secrets.

Derek knew everything.

Derek knew that she had been with Mark while Derek had been in Seattle.

And Derek knew that Mark had loved her, had wanted Addison back.

And Derek knew -- or at least he’d been told -- that Addison chose Derek. She chose her marriage. She chose her love.

Now the choice was once again up to Derek.

What Addison did not know was if Derek was going to be able to keep his promise.

If Derek was going to be able to choose her, Addison, despite the pain, despite the mistakes, despite everything. If he could believe in her, in them, a second time.

Oh, Addison believed that Derek intended to. That he intended when they started this conversation to get past it and to meet her back at the B&B in three hours.

She just did not know if he was actually going to be able to.

So now that she had let all of her secrets out, she also let out all of her tears. And, after a while, her sobs slowed, turned from out-of-control bawling to a steady stream of tears, and she gulped and hiccuped and tried to catch her breath. Then they slowed to just a trickle.

Then she was ready to leave the sanctuary of her bench.

First things first, she needed a bathroom and a mirror, because she had more than two hours to kill and she was damned if she was going to do anything before she washed her face and fixed her makeup.

After that, well, a cup of coffee was definitely in order. Then, Addie smiled, maybe some power shopping.

Unlike Derek, Addie had no need to think about this particular conversation.

She had already dissected her own relationship with Mark ad nauseum, both with and without her therapist.

What she needed was to distract herself until that magical three-hour mark, after which she would know one way or the other.

What could be a better distraction than spending some money?

*********

Derek, on the other hand, was a man with a far different mission.

After leaving Addie on the bench, the vision of her tears streaming down her face emblazened in his head along with the one of her with Mark’s hands on her body in their bed, he had walked as fast and as far as his legs could carry him away from the center of historic Victoria.

He just walked. And walked. And then he walked some more. It was like if he kept moving his legs, he wouldn’t have to deal with his pain.

So he kept right on walking.

He ended up on a rock near the shore, looking out on the ocean but not really seeing the spectacular view before him.

For Derek was entirely inside his head and his heart.

He had asked for honesty. Boy did Addie deliver.

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

And now he had to deal with the honesty he had asked for. He had to face what he had been running away from since the day he left New York. Since the day he left his wife.

First, the reality that Addison had sex with Mark. Multiple times. The night he caught them and after he left.

That wasn’t really news. He had sort of figured that out. You could say he was the master of the obvious.

Though it was hard to get past, he had sort of made an uneasy kind of truce with that information. He did his best never to think of it, and after months of practice he was more or less able to ignore it.

Other than when Mark had shown up.

And while they were discussing the affair.

It had taken a while to get to this uneasy truce. To start letting go. To start to forgive the physical betrayal.

When Addison had first showed up in Seattle, it was like the recurring acid flashback from hell.

Look at his wife, and the picture of Mark making love to her would flash before his eyes.

Touch Addison, and see the instant replay in his mind.

But time had helped. And Addison’s repeated apologies. And then just seeing her more, replacing that memory with others. It helped that she rejected Mark and sought him out.

Nevertheless, for a long time, that unwanted memory had deterred him from touching his wife, from having sex with her -- from making love to her.

But Addie had forced the issue, and they had “ripped the stitches.”

Derek had forced his way past the memory of Mark touching Addison. There had been a night when he was determined to make her body forget Mark's touch.

Derek had made it his mission to reclaim every single inch of her body from the tip of her toes to the top of her head.

He had used his mouth; he had used his hands; and he had repossessed his wife.

If that made her sound a little bit like a possession, well, Derek could live with that -- although he would never share the thought with Addison, who likely would bean him upside the head with a brick or something harder.

He couldn’t help it if once in a while a little caveman came through; he could indulge the internal caveman so long as he kept the sentiment a secret. But thinking of it, even now, made him smile.

Addison had been stolen from him, and Derek had reclaimed her.

Physically branded her as his own once again.

And the process of making love to Addison once again, of feeling her warm body, and her long legs, and the smile turning up the corners of her mouth, and her kiss, had allowed him to let go of the image.

More or less.

Now, so long as he didn’t conciously bring it up, most of the time the memory stayed away. It would never be a good thought, but it no longer deterred him from doing things like taking advantage of Addie’s hot green negligee of the night before.

And the physical closeness had helped with emotional closeness.

Not that sex equals love, but making love to Addison had let him see her again, had let him believe that she picked him, that she wanted him, that she loved him.

That Mark had been a mistake.

Boy, had he. A bigger one that Derek had even realized until Addison’s confession today.

Their “affair” was nothing like he imagined it.

Derek had pictured romantic trysts behind his back, Addie and Mark laughing at the oblivious husband/best friend who didn’t realize what was going on, lovers with smiles and laughs and emotional intimacy, stolen moments at the hospital, and flowers, candy, and poetry.

Not a drunken one night stand fueled from desperation, anger, frustration with him.

Which, Derek had to admit to himself, is all that it would have been on Addie’s side if he hadn’t disappeared. The “relationship” hadn’t occurred until after Derek was gone.

If he had found the guts, the will, to beat the crap out of Mark that night and fight it out with Addie in New York, he would have had a lot less to get past.

It was hard for him to picture Addie as she described herself.

“Falling apart” and Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd just didn’t go together. Look at her in Seattle. Cool, calm, and collected. She had walked into Seattle Grace every inch the put-together New York docter and society wife. She took his insults and his emotional daggers and she never let him see her sweat, never let him see that he had pierced her armor until well after he chose her.

He had known, even when she first arrived, that some of that was bravado.

A case of Addison putting her strongest foot forward, of coming in fully armed and fully shielded.

But it was still hard to reconcile it with an Addison who didn’t eat, who didn’t sleep, who was ordered away from her patients, and who went voluntarily to a therapist.

Who stayed with Mark because she needed him, not because she wanted him.

It was hard for him to square what he had thought in his head about Mark and Addison for all those weeks when he was separated from them by a continent with the picture painted by his wife.

It wasn’t that Derek doubted Addison, because he had no doubt of the honesty of her account.

It was just that it was like she had told him that the sky was red with purple polka dots. He didn’t doubt she was right, but he was having trouble processing the information.

The more Derek thought about things, the angrier, the more enraged he got.

And he had just a couple of hours to find a way throught that red haze and back to his wife.

Chapter 16

Derek Shepherd realized he had a choice.

He could let the anger inside him, the regret, the bitterness take over.

He could shut out Addison, let her go, leave her, punish her for the affair she had with Mark Sloan. He knew that he could always tell people that his wife slept with his best friend, and they would understand why he left.

It was one heck of an excuse.

Or he could make the decision to forgive, to rebuild, to have a future with Addison.

The choice was difficult.

Life would not be easy either way.

If he rejected her, Derek would truly have to let Addison go. Let her rebuild her own life as well.

With someone else.

He would have to find away to make a life without her, without his partner of the last fifteen years.

If he forgave her, really and truly forgave Addison, then Derek would have to find a way to let the affair go. Not forget, because that was impossible, but to forgive. To trust again. To have faith again. To hope again.

To stop using the affair as a weapon in their fights, as an excuse when he didn't feel like being kind to his wife, as a rationale that permitted him to continue flirting with Meredith.

Derek had already tried to leave Addison.

He had not been very successful.

The only way he had been able to survive leaving his wife, moving across the country without her, cutting her out of his life, had been to entirely shut down.

He hadn't dealt with it; he had just denied his emotions -- his pain, his anger, his jealousy, his rage.

In doing so, he had also denied his history, his memories, his friends, his family – anything and anyone that had the potential to remind him of Addison.

Without all of that, who was Derek Shepherd?

******

Addison looked in the mirror in the bathroom in the quaint little coffee shop she had found.

The proprieter had looked at her sympathetically and said to "go on back."

While Addie appreciated the gesture, she felt like the sympathy might break her.

The cold water she had splashed on her face made her feel a little more like herself. She pulled out her makeup kit and began to undo the damage the tears had left on her face.

Though a little makeup never solved the internal problems -- couldn’t take away the guilt, the heartache, the terror, the doubt -- at least it made Addison feel a little more like herself.

Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd did not break down often.

She prided herself on being strong, confident, self-assured, tough. That's how she made it to the top of her specialty, and that's how she saw herself personally as well. She had put up with weeks -- months -- of being Satan at the hospital, of her husband's scorn, of his sarcasm, of his flirting with a young blonde intern, without breaking.

But when it came to Derek, the toughness was a shell.

Before Mark, Derek's neglect, his lack of commitment had broken through. Maybe if she'd been less concerned about being strong and more concerned about her marriage, she would have found a way to get through to him before the disasterous encounter with Mark.

Now, it was the honest discussions that just might break her.

The makeup, repairing her physical flaws, enhancing her looks, was like strengthening the outer shell of Addison; at least the disguise might cover the inner turmoil.

'When in doubt, always put your best face forward, Addie,' she told herself.

Whatever was going to happen next between her and Derek was in his hands.

All she could do is wait, and wonder, and distract herself.

By any means necessary.

*******

Sitting alone on the windy beach, Derek realized that while he was without Addison he had only pretended to be fine.

The only way to do that, to maintain that pretense, the image of the easygoing baggage-free Dr. McDreamy, was to pretend that Addison simply didn't exist.

He ran away not just from his wife, but from his past.

Derek remembered the day he met Addison, the first day of medical school when she had taken the seat he wanted in biochem class. He had been about to object when he realized it would be far better to sit down next to the gorgeous redhead with the warm smile and the intelligent humor shining in her green eyes.

He remembered each of the 22 times he asked her on a first date.

He remembered the disaster that had occurred once she finally said yes. It was something of a miracle that there was a second date.

He remembered their wedding day, their friends and family witnessing Derek and Addison giving themselves to each other; smashing the wedding cake in each other's faces with no delicacy whatsoever; their first dance as man and wife; removing her garter with his teeth; Addison tossing her bouquet of peach roses directly to his sister Liz; making love for the first time as husband and wife.

Derek remembered thousands of smaller memories, of happy moments, meals shared, intimate moments, watching her perform surgery, looking up from his own surgery to see her, waking her with a kiss, being surprised with sexy lingerie or just a cup of coffee when he really needed one.

And Derek remember the not so happy times as well.

Screaming arguments. Addie wasn't a redhead by accident. She'd been exceedingly calm since she'd come to Seattle, mostly he admitted to himself because she'd been afraid of driving him even further away. But he even missed the flares of temper.

And their creative ways of making up.

But were those memories enough to get past Addison’s betrayal?

For no matter how much Addison apologized and no matter that he now understood his own role in the events leading up to that night, he still could not forget the sight of Mark touching Addison, Mark loving Addison, and -- even worse -- Addison touching Mark.

*********

The coffee had helped a little, but even the infusion of caffeine couldn’t keep Addie’s mind from racing.

At least on the outside, she knew she looked cool, calm, and controlled. On the inside, she couldn’t focus.

She had never before been unable to concentrate on something as basic as shopping.

But, as she wandered from boutique to boutique, smiling and nodding absently at the salespeople and other customers, occasionally touching a blouse here or a piece of pottery there, Addison simply could not keep her mind on the present.

She kept seeing the looks in Derek’s eyes.

The disbelief, the shock, the horror when he had walked in on her and Mark.

The rage, almost hatred, when she had first shown up in Seattle.

The angst when he told her that he loved Meredith.

The fury when he punched Mark.

The disdain, the contempt when she explained to the Chief why Derek had punched Mark.

The searing sadness, the heartwrenching pain as she explained just minutes ago her own account of the destruction of their marriage.

How could Derek possibly forgive her?

How could she survive if he did not?

********

As terrible as the memory of walking in on Mark with his hands and his lips on Addison was, the fact was that it simply did not stack up against 15 years of being friends with and loving Addison.

He had picked her.

For better or for worse.

They had seen better.

And they had definitely seen worse.

It was time for a new cycle.

Having finally listened, really listened, to Addison's account of her affair with Mark, he knew he bore more than a little responsibility for what had happened.

Not that his absence, his inattentiveness, excused what had happened. It did not. But it did contribute to it. The same way that Jack's absence and Jack's inattentiveness had destroyed his marriage to Sarah.

It was time for Derek to be an adult, to face that fact.

Oddly, equally difficult to handle was the fact that Mark and Addison were not the great love affair that Derek had imagined.

That made their betrayal both easier and more difficult to forgive.

Easier because he could believe Addison when she said that she loved him, Derek, and only him.

Harder because Derek had to deal with the fact that he had driven his wife to a drunken betrayal of the vows he held sacred.

Ultimately, Derek knew that he would never be able to forget what Addison had done.

And he knew that forgiveness was a process.

But he was working on it.

The Never-Ending Repost

Sun, 21 May 2006 14:47:24 GMT

A week has passed and the trauma, though not the heartbreak, from the Grey's Anatomy finale perhaps with it. How can Queen Shonda not see that the better, more interesting storyline is Derek and Addison? All I can say is may Derek and Meredith both get what they deserve.... and I'll leave it the imagination what I think that might be.

Oh well, here's chapters 13-14 of Cracks and Foundations, my Addison and Derek opus. I should perhaps warn readers, in case I haven't made it clear already, that I like angst?

Feedback and advice is more than welcome!

Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Disclaimer: Still don't own them. Really.

****

Addison Shepherd woke up feeling different than she had in a long time.

For one thing, she realized she was naked in her husband’s arms, her green negligee having been discarded in their initial bout of friendly, teasing lovemaking. Her husband had one hand buried in her hair and the other around her waist; their legs were intertwined as well. If she had wanted to move, she would have had a difficult time doing so without waking Derek.

It felt good to wake up like this, having slept skin to skin, so close to one another, almost as if they were once again two halves of a whole.

And to remember the night before.

Her sexy surprise had kicked off a humorous game of “doctor” and Derek and Addison had been careful to thoroughly examine one another everywhere from the tips of their toes to the tops of their heads -- and all the more fun parts in between.

The exams had been teasing and lighthearted as they rediscovered each other in a way that they had not in a long time. No angst, no anger, no stress. Just good, old-fashioned tactile fun, culminating in a couple of mindblowing explosions during which they called each other’s names.

They had fallen asleep in each other’s arms.

A few hours later Addison had woken up to Derek kissing his way along her body, a more leisurely exploration. The second that Derek realized that he had lured her to conciousness, he whispered that he loved her and that he would always love her.

Addison returned the sentiments.

The second time the Shepherds made love was no less thorough, but far more tender and more emotional. It was as if each was trying to coat their partner’s skin in the emotion, in the love, in the caring, in the devotion, in the commitment. And the end result was far more powerful, the emotion bringing tears to both Shepherds’ eyes.

Another reason this morning felt different was that there was no dog begging to be let out. As much as she loved Doc, and she did, it was great to be able to lie in in the morning without worrying about whether it was her turn or Derek’s to take him out.

And coupled with no Doc was no trailer.

Addie cast her eyes around the beautifully decorated room of the bed and breakfast to which she had been whisked and felt a slight pang that she couldn’t move in.

She missed living in a real house with real walls, with closet space, and a bathroom with a tub. A place where plugging in both the hairdryer and the curling iron would not blow out the fusebox. A place where there was room for more of her infamous shoe collection.

She understood that Derek thought they had too many material possessions in New York, but she thought a happy compromise could be fashioned that involved something with real closet space.

And although there wasn’t a kitchen in their B&B room, Addie missed the kitchen from their New York home. Both she and Derek liked to cook when they found time, but she found it too frustrating to even attempt it in the trailer with the absence of practical things like counterspace and a full-sized fridge.

But, she reminded herself, if she really and truly had Derek back, she could live without all the rest. She had learned to live in the trailer. She could be content in a trailer.

If the choice was between a house or a husband, there was no choice to be made.

Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd had learned in the past few years that there was only one thing necessary to her life, to her happiness.

Her husband, Derek.

Everything else was just window dressing. If she had Derek back, she could find a way to be happy, even in a trailer.

The final reason that the morning felt different was that there was no work to worry about, no pager likely to bring in emergencies. That was a good thing because it would allow Addie and Derek to concentrate on each other and not to use the hospital – their patients and their surgeries – as a shield when the going gets tough.

But, on the other hand, Addie mused that the absence of a shield might not be such a good thing.

Despite the love, the surprises, the tenderness, the joy, the passion of the day before, Addie could not help but worry.

While she was more certain than she had been since coming to Seattle that Derek loved her and wanted their marriage to work, she knew they had lots of elephants inhabiting the bed and breakfast with them. They were simply going to have to confront them.

And she was terrified that confronting them might send Derek running away once again. She was determined that they would build their second life together on honesty, on a strong foundation, but she was simply afraid of what needed to be done to get there.

What would happen when she told Derek that she stayed with Mark when he left New York?

Or that Mark had specifically asked her to come back to New York with him during his recent visit to Seattle?

What would he say when she asked him about his secret walks with Meredith?

Did he still love the intern?

What had prompted the sudden romance of recent days?

“Good morning, beautiful.” A familiar voice interrupted Addie’s introspection. She turned and smiled and kissed Derek good morning, pushing her serious thoughts aside. “Good morning, handsome.”

A few hours later, Addie and Derek by mutual agreement had gotten up, showered, and gone down to breakfast – where they playfully fought over the front page and then the crossward puzzle. After stuffing themselves with the B&B’s infamous stuffed french toast, fruit, bacon and coffee, they agreed that a walk was in order.

They wandered through downtown Victoria, doing some window shopping but mostly enjoying the fresh air and exploring the city. They read historical markers, poked through a few antique shops, and generally relaxed.

After a few hours of fresh air, Derek and Addie bought themselves some coffee and a small snack and settled together on a bench overlooking the Olde Towne Square. They people watched in silence, but they both could feel the ghosts of marital issues past, present, and future arriving for a visit.

Derek rubbed Addie's hand in his own, feeling its softness and its strength. He rubed his thumb against her wedding rings, and thought about what they symbolized. And then he decided how to start.

"I have a proposal," he said, continuing to worry her hand in his own.

Addie shifted her body on the bench, so she could look her husband directly in the eyes. Derek reached out with his other hand and tucked away a flyaway curl, placing it securely behind her ear. He lay his hand against her cheek, feeling its softness as she examined his visage.

Casting aside her own memory of a much happier proposal a dozen years ago and her deep-rooted fear that confronting their issues might make Derek disappear again, Addie nodded, signaling him to continue.

"We both know that there are things we need to talk about," Derek paused. "I don't know how we got through months of therapy without really addressing the important stuff, but we both know that we need to. . . . I don't think we can handle doing it all at once, and I don't want to let our . . . issues . . . ruin this weekend, because I think -- no, I know -- that it's also important for us to spend good time together, just Derek and Addison, building new happy memories together. . . . We can't ignore our issues, but we also can't let them run our lives."

"So what I thinkwe should do is have designated conversation times. Maybe in the middle of the afternoon, like now. We should talk about issues, one at a time, for as long as we need to . . . or as long as we can stand it."

"And, we should agree now, ahead of time, that when we are done with a 'session,' we should take a mandatory break from each other."

"A break?" Addie asked nervously, biting her lip. All she could think of was the last break Derek had taken from her, a break that involved moving across the country without so much as a word and falling in love with another woman. "What kind of break?"

"I'm thinking three hours . . . just enough time to allow ourselves, our minds and our hearts, to process whatever we've been talking about in a productive way. . . . We talk, and then we go our separate ways for three hours, and we meet back at the B&B."

"What are we going to do with three hours?" Addie had a feeling she knew what she would be doing. Worrying that Derek was not coming back

"Whatever we need to do to get past -- or at least put temporarily to rest -- what we've talked about, to not let it infect the rest of our time together. Or, find some way to distract ourselves while the other one goes and does that and we just worry."

"So we're supposed to just get past it in three hours? What if one of us says something so horrible . . . that the other one can't get past it? What if. . . ?

Derek cut her off, holding her hand even more tightly.

"First of all, Addie, we both want this to work. I know I do. And I know you do. . . . And, I know it's hard, but you have to trust me on this."

Addie stared at him for a minute, eyes meeting eyes, soul meeting soul. She took a deep breath. And she jumped. And she nodded.

"I know you're worried, because maybe we don't have the best track record. . . . I'm not saying that whatever issue we're discussing will magically be gone, but we have to start somewhere . . . so we can truly get past the past and build a new and better future together. . . . And the B&B can be our non-issues place. We can go back there early if we're ready, but whatever happens we agree now that we must be back there within three hours, ready to put whatever it is aside until our next talk."

Derek watched as Addie bit her lip again, a sure sign that she was terrified.

"And," he continued, "I am promising you now that no matter what happens, no matter what we say or what emotions our talks dredge up, I am promising you that I love you, I am committed to you, and I will see you in three hours."

Addie pulled away, just far enough so she could look Derek directly in the eye. She saw his love there, his commitment -- and his fear. And she took another deep breath. And she nodded again.

"Where do we start?"

Derek took a deep breath of his own.

"I know that this isn't going to be easy . . . for either of us. And I know this is far from the only thing we have to talk about. . . . But I think we have to start with Mark."

Chapter 14

"But I think we have to start with Mark."

Addie heard the words come out of Derek's mouth, and she let her head drop, her hair falling forward to cover her face, to shield her for a moment.

She knew that Derek was right, that Mark was a big giant open wound in the middle of their marriage. There was plenty to discuss there.

Yet, Addie couldn't help be scared, because if there was anything that was guaranteed to send Derek fleeing to another continent, it had to be her affair with Mark, her betrayal of their wedding vows, of the sanctity of their marital bed.

She took another deep breath, trying to prepare herself for whatever might come, and raised her eyes.

"How do you want to do this? Do you want to ask questions? Should I just talk?"

Derek could see the fear in her eyes – and the courage that his wife had to face him and pull out little pieces of herself and pray that he wouldn't reject her again. He gave her a wry smile, one that he hoped was reassuring, and he rubbed again the hand that he still had encapsulated in his own.

It was hard to reassure her when he was trying to shore up his own strength for the conversation ahead, but he had asked her to go first, and he knew she was afraid, regardless of the promises he had made. And that she would plunge forward anyway.

She had that kind of bravery, that kind of integrity, despite everything.

"Why don't you start at the beginning? If I have questions, I'll ask, but otherwise I'll just try to listen . . . to really listen."

Addison bit her lip again, as she deliberated where exactly to start. It was starting to hurt, but it was almost a welcome pain, because it was minor and real, a distraction from her thoughts.

Then she looked up, and reached out one hand to touch Derek's cheek, as if to confirm that he was there, that he really was listening.

"I always loved you, Derek. I have to start there. So you know, before we really get into it that you are and always were the love of my life.” She looked him straight in the eyes, tears glistening, but not yet falling, as if she was willing them back. “And I never was in love with Mark, not for a second. I love you, and I will always love you. No matter what."

She stopped after that beginning, making sure that Derek could see that that was the absolute unvarnished truth. She needed that foundation, needed to know that Derek heard her before she could go forward.

Derek looked up, and she could see the pain in his eyes, but he was willing to meet her gaze. And he nodded, his face stoic, as if he was prepared to take a punch, and she went on.

"Mark was your best friend, and he was always around, and so he became my friend, too. And for years, that was all it was. We were friends, and mostly the three of us would hang out, either at the hospital or whenever we could find five minutes to escape together. Sometimes whatever woman Mark was seeing at the time would make it a foursome, but, as you well know, they never seemed to last. And you and I, we would tease him about it, about his serial monogamy, his inability to commit. Mostly, we were just the three amigos."

Derek nodded. He knew this was the easy part.

"And then more and more, it seemed like it was just Mark and me. Not intentionally, but the three of us would make plans, and then there’d be a surgery that you just couldn’t miss, and Mark and I would decide to do whatever we’d planned anyway – go for dinner, catch a movie. It was just as friends. . . . And it didn’t seem odd because we were friends and it was no different then the times when you and Mark went out, either intentionally or because I got called into a delivery or a surgery of my own. It was just the way a friendship between three doctors worked. . . . Inevitably, someone wouldn’t be able to make it.”

“But more and more, it seemed like Mark was there and that you weren’t. . . . I know this sounds like me trying to excuse what happened, but,” she shook her head, and Derek watched with fascination as her hair moved, “that’s not what I mean. There is no excuse. This is just an explanation, an account of events from my perspective, and I know it doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t make what I did any less horrible, any less atrocious, . . . any more forgivable.”

“I found myself missing you more and more, and I didn’t seem to know how to get you back, to lure you away from the hospital long enough to spend time with me. When I tried, I felt like I was bothering you, nagging you, getting in the way of your career. I felt like I was losing you, that you didn’t want to be with me, and I didn’t know what to do.”

“Mark was there again. He was my friend. He was sometimes my shoulder to cry on, my sounding board. And he always reassured you that this would pass, that you loved me. But I couldn’t help how I felt -- unwanted, unneeded, unloved.”

“The night you walked in on us was the first time we had sex. I had no idea then that Mark had feelings for me beyond those of friendship. . . . I was just really upset and really drunk, a bad combination.”

“The three of us were supposed to have dinner at Rosarita’s and then you didn’t show because of some surgery. We waited for you, but you didn’t bother to even call, or to have someone call, to say you weren’t showing up. And while we were waiting, Mark and I polished off the pitcher of margaritas we had ordered. And then, after we gave up waiting and ordered food, we polished off another one. Not the smartest decision. I was too drunk to really navigate the subway system, and Mark, though he seemed equally drunk, was gallant and told me he would take me home by cab. . . . He came up, and then he kissed me. And one thing led to another, and . . . then you walked in.”

Derek closed his eyes and tried to will away the picture in his head.

Mark’s jacket in his house.

Mark’s body in his bed. With his wife.

Mark’s hands and Mark’s lips on Addison.

He tried to will the picture away so he could just hear Addison’s words.

Addison watched Derek scrunch his face, as if by sheer force of will the past could be undone. But life simply wasn’t magical in that way. What she had done could not be undone, not by force of will or magic or anything else. And she knew that just as it was ripping her heart, her soul in two to recount the biggest mistake of her life, that it was destroying Derek to hear it.

She loved him for wanting them to find their way through the pain back to each other. She feared that their effort would backfire. Nevertheless, she knew she had to go on.

She had to get it all out – whatever the consequences.

“And then you left. I grabbed the nearest clothes and tried to chase you, but I simply wasn’t fast enough. And I went back crying, and Mark was there, but I kicked him out and lay their crying and praying that you would come back. But you didn’t. . . . And you vanished. . . .”

“When you disappeared, I fell apart. I didn’t know where you were, what you were doing. Not just that night, but for days to come. . . . As if I wasn’t already a mess. About all I could handle was the work, so I worked as much as I possibly could, until Beth figured out what was going on and began banning me for periods from the hospital so that I would go home and sleep. Instead, I took care of my patients, and when I couldn’t do that I went home and I cried.”

“And Mark was there. . . . He tried to pick up the pieces of Addison. . . . He took care of me. Made me eat. Tricked me into taking a sedative to sleep. . . . And the end result of him caring for me when I was in pieces is that I stayed with Mark for a while.”

Derek looked at her in horror. He saw that the tears had escaped her eyes and were crawling down her face, but her tears couldn’t take away his horror.

He had thought when he came to Seattle, when he let down his guard and a thought creeped into his head, that Addison and Mark were together and happy in New York. He hated it, he blocked it out, but he reasoned that despite the fact that they had wrecked him that the people he had loved – though they had destroyed him – were and should be happy together.

But now, after her account, he actually had a harder time figuring out why she would stay with Mark. It was one thing when he thought they had fallen in love, had a long-term affair.

This was something else entirely.

“You should know that. Full disclosure. Lance the boil. Pick a cliché. The night you walked in on us was the first time, but it was not the only time, that Mark and I had sex.”

For the first time, Derek had a question in his mind he could not escape.

“If you and Mark were so happy, having sex in New York,” he asked acidly, betraying his earlier promise to try just to listen, “then why the hell did you come to Seattle?”

“I never said we were happy. I don’t know about Mark, maybe he was. If so, he was in denial, because I was a mess and he should have known it. And while I care about Mark, maybe even loved him, as a friend, I never loved him the way I love you. . . ."

“While I was trying to pick up the pieces in New York, I went to a therapist. . . . Have a laugh,” she said bitterly. “Addison Montgomery Shepherd admitted she needed help. . . ."

"God, I wish I had done it earlier. Maybe I could have dealt with my insecurities, avoided all this. . . . . But among the things I learned about myself in hours upon hours of therapy was that I still loved you and I still needed you."

"And so I told Mark it was over, and I tried to muster up my courage to face you, and I came to see if there was any chance for us.”

Derek looked at her, speechless. He didn’t know how to respond to everything that was said. He was sure he probably had questions, but he was so full of emotions – anger, sadness, rage, bitterness – that he couldn’t focus on what they might be.

What he did know was that he couldn’t handle much more without spewing the venom of those emotions on his wife, which she didn’t deserve after giving him the honesty he asked for. So he clung to the memory of their agreement.

“I think it’s time for that break,” he said, unable to look at Addie anymore.

Unable to handle the images in his head or the image of his wife in tears in front of him. He needed the escape valve, and he needed it now.

“One more thing,” Addison said, placing her hand on his arm to stop him before he could leave, and feeling her heart rip again as he shrugged it off.

“As long as I’m putting all the Mark cards on the table, there’s one more thing you should know.”

“I didn’t ask Mark to come to Seattle, but when he did, he made clear that he loves me, that he wants me. He asked me to meet him at Joe’s that night, to go home to New York with him.”

Derek looked at her, and she faced him squarely, the tears still streaming.

Then Derek stood up, and he walked away.

Addie sat there alone on the picnic bench, giving up her efforts to keep the tears from turning into full-fledged sobs.

And she watched Derek walk once away again, and she prayed that he would be able to keep his promise. That he would come back.

Still looking for happy Addie....

Wed, 17 May 2006 05:21:23 GMT

I'm in need of happy Addison and Derek and so I'm continuing to repost my own story. How sad is that??

Cracks and Foundations

Disclaimer: I really still don't own them.

Chapter 11

Derek Shepherd sat in the lobby of Seattle Grace, his left hand carrying the last of the dozen peach roses he had bought for his wife early that morning. He tapped his right hand against his knee, as he waited impatiently for Addison to arrive.

So much for 5 p.m. They would be lucky to be on the road by 7:30, but thankfully still in enough time to make the last ferry of the night.

This wasn't just any night during which Derek was waiting for his wife to get off work. Tonight was special. It was the first time he would see Addison since his conversation with his brother Jack had forced him to face the reality that he might lose her again if he did not re-commit himself to his marriage with his whole heart.

The end of his brother’s marriage, destoyed by the same tendency to place work over what was most important in life that had instigated the problems in his own, was just the most recent in a series of events that had forced Derek Shepherd to take a good hard look at his life and his marriage.

Once he got past the surface – the reflexive notion that Addison cheated first – he realized he didn’t like what he found. He was proud neither of his actions, nor of his refusal to take responsibility for them.

But that was all going to change.

So now, as he waited for his wife to finish up with her patients and join him in the lobby, Derek was nervous.

What if his epiphany had come too late?

What if Addison was tired of fighting for him?

Tired of compromising.

Tired of living in a trailer.

Tired of dealing with his absence.

His inattentiveness.

His flirtation with another woman.

Derek Shepherd stood up and paced.

Today, he had planned a series of surprises for Addison, to try to tell her with actions that he was sorry, that he chose her, that he wanted their future . . . together. Today had been about new beginnings, about a new commitment to reclaim their love and their marriage and to make it even better than before.

But what if he was too late?

As Derek paced, and watched, and worried, the bell for the elevator suddenly sounded. And though he knew it was only in his own head, to Derek, the elevator sounded louder than usual, as if it was warning Derek that he might be too late.

Instinctively he knew -- though there was no way he could -- that Addie was on that elevator car.

And, as he watched, the doors opened and Addison stepped off, a box filled with his presents in her hands, her briefcase hanging off one shoulder. As usual, she looked totally and completely together. No one would ever guess that she had been at the hospital since 3 a.m. that morning, a work day of almost 17 hours.

She looked at him, and he felt the nervousness grow.

And then she smiled, and he knew that he wasn't too late.

It was a smile that was a little bit nervous, a little bit fearful, but it had the power to radiate other emotions well. Love. Happiness. Anticipation.

"Hey stranger," Addie greeted him with a kiss. It was just a soft kiss, a small kiss, and it allowed her to shift the box to him. "This has been the most amazing day. I love every single thing about today. I don't know how to thank you enough."

Addison smirked, in a way that sent his pulse racing and put less than pure thoughts in his head.

"Although I might have a few ideas."

"It's not over yet," Derek promised. "Today is just a beginning."

Addison smiled, and he smiled back. Derek tried to remember the last time they had just smiled at each other, both on the same page for just a moment. For that moment it was just the two of them, in their own world, the bustle of the hospital lobby having faded away.

Derek noticed that Addie was wearing both the necklace that he had bought her in Denver and the charm bracelet with medical instruments.

And he noticed that despite the fact that she was happy to see him, that the long day and her exhaustion – and her nerves – showed just a little bit around the edges of her perfect facade.

"Shall we?"

"We shall," Addison responded. "But are you going to give me a hint about what we are doing with this four luxurious days of time off?"

"Wouldn't that ruin the surprise?"

"Well, you've already surprised me plenty today. And aren't you at least going to let me pack a bag?"

Derek shook his head. "All of those pesky details have been taken care of. . . . You just have to let me whisk you away."

"Well, then, whisk away, kind sir."

Before she knew it, Addison had indeed been whisked.

Derek had driven them both to the main ferry terminal, unloaded luggage from the back of the SUV, let Addie stash a few extra things from her briefcase and box of presents in one of the suitcases, and picked up their tickets. They were now among the few passengers that Thursday evening on the last passenger ferry of the night bound for Victoria, British Columbia.

Addie had never been to Victoria before and she was looking forward to it, but more important than their destination was the company.

For the first time in a long time, she felt like she had her Derek with her.

He came back from checking their luggage with a sweater for her, because he thought she might be cold on the open water as the night cooled down. He was also carrying a brown paper bag.

"Thanks," Addie said, touched by the thoughtfulness. "Derek. . . ." She let the thought trail off, because she wasn't entirely sure what she wanted to say. "Thank you again for today. I cannot tell you how much every single surprise means to me."

"Addison," Derek reached out and brushed some of her beautiful hair off her face. "I realize that today is just, as I said before, a beginning. I wanted to remind you of the way our lives together can be, of the way that we can be. . . ."

"And I know that we still have a lot of things to talk about, a lot of serious conversations to have, to rebuild the trust and the confidence that we always had in one another," he continued. "I know that you’ve tried to have some of those conversations before, and maybe I wasn’t quite ready, but I am now. . . . Maybe the time away will give us the opportunity to work through some of those things without the distractions of the hospital and other people. . . .”

“But, regardless, I wanted to make absolutely clear to you that I choose you. . . . No, I choose us. . . . And I wanted to make you smile.”

Addison put her hand over his, caressing it, feeling him there with her. She leaned forward and placed another soft kiss on his mouth, and whispered, “You did.”

Derek kissed her back, the kiss turning more passionate as each sought to show the other their gratitude for and commitment to this second chance. After a couple of minutes, Addie pulled back just far enough to cast a glance at the paper bag Derek had put down so he could focus more completely on her.

“So, what do you have there, Dr. Shepherd?”

Derek grinned, and pulled away to grab the bag.

“Well, Dr. Shepherd, what good is a romantic ferry ride together without a picnic supper to make it complete?”

Derek pulled out a blanket, which he and Addie spread out on the deck. After they settled down together on the blanket, Derek pulled out a bottle of wine, a corkscrew, and two plastic cups, as well as an array of cheese and crackers, a bag of grapes, and a bag of to-die-for chocolate chip cookies.

When Addie saw the cookies, she recognized their origin instantly and made a grab for the bag.

“So how exactly did you convince my mother to bake for this fine occasion?”

“I told you, Addie, I wasn’t pulling any punches today. I wanted to make sure you knew that I was willing to use every weapon in my arsenal to impress upon you the seriousness with which I take this day of presents ‘just because’ I love you.”

Addison heard the words coming from his mouth and started to cry.

“You mean it?” she questioned, using one hand to wipe away the tears.

“I mean it,” Derek brushed away another tear with his thumb. He leaned forward and looked her in the eyes before he repeated softly, “I love you, Addison.”

“That’s the first time you’ve said it. . . .” Her voice trailed off for a minute. “I love you, too, Derek. So much. And I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry that I forgot to tell you and show you how much you mean to me, Addie. You are the love of my life, my everything. We’ll work everything else out, but you have to believe that I love you.”

They kissed one more time, before Derek repeated, “I love you, Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd. I don’t ever want you to doubt that ever again.”

Chapter 12

“Wake up, sleepyhead. We’re almost there.”

The words, softly spoken by Derek Shepherd, combined with a caress and a kiss to slowly penetrate Addison’s consciousness.

“I don’t want to,” she whispered, shaking her head for emphasis. “I was having the most amazing dream.”

Derek smiled and held her closer, relishing having her back in his arms where she fit so well. Their picnic on the deck of the ferryboat had been relaxed, with an unspoken agreement to save their difficult issues for later when they were both well rested.

Tonight was for enjoying each other’s company, and their renewed commitment to each other.

As they ate, Addie had filled him in on the hospital gossip, including a couple of funny stories involving Bailey and her interns and another about one of her own patients. And he had relayed some of the events of the conference in Denver, both medical news and gossip from old friends he had run into there. He mentioned that Lizzie Corday – an old friend of Addie’s as well as Derek’s – had recommended both the barbecue joint where he and Jack ate, as well as the store where he picked up the red rock necklace for Addison.

After they were done eating, they looked at the sunset and then the stars, the Shepherds sitting close together on the blanket. The swaying of the ferry, the wine, and her comfortable position laying back against her husband with his arm securely around her waist combined with the long work day and the relief she felt about Derek’s commitment to the future of their marriage to lull Addison to sleep.

Derek had sat there, his wife comfortably in his arms for the first time in so long that he could not remember the last time.

He thought that said everything about where they had been as a couple.

He was more than content to sit there, holding his wife, taking in the smell of her hair, looking forward to their weekend away together.

Nevertheless, as his wife slept, Derek could not help but think about the unresolved issues that still lay between them. Tonight – even more than when he had first asked her to stay in Seattle or when they had moved back in together – they were committed to working things out.

However, that wasn’t going to be easy, or without its emotional trauma. There were things that simply had to be gotten out in the open, baggage that must be unpacked for them to rebuild their marriage and their life together.

Only by addressing their issues would the Shepherds be able to get past them.

Derek knew, as much as he dreaded it, that they needed to talk about their respective affairs with Mark and Meredith. They needed to talk about what had preceded those relationships, about why they had fallen apart in New York. And they needed to talk about what they wanted for the future – for their future together. It need not all be discussed in one weekend, but they needed to make a start.

But for now, for tonight, Derek pulled his attention back to the gorgeous redhead resting in his arms. And, as the Victoria coastline neared, he began to caress her and whisper endearments in a manner designed to gently wake her from slumber. After all, it had only taken a kiss to waken a Sleeping Beauty.

When Addie spoke, Derek could not help but ask about her “amazing dream.”

Addison opened her eyes and shifted so she could see Derek’s piercing blue eyes.

“I was dreaming that I was married to the most amazing man. . . . He spent the whole day surprising me with flowers and notes and gifts. . . . Then, he told me that he loves me.”

“I hate to break it to you,” Derek replied, taking the opportunity to kiss her again softly. “But that wasn’t a dream. . . . And I do love you.”

“I love you, too, Derek.” Addie responded, thankful to finally be hearing those words again and certain that she could never hear them enough.

The couple got up, folded the blanket, and took the opportunity to spend a few more moments in each other’s arms as the ferry pulled into the dock.

Then, after reclaiming their luggage, they made their way through the border checkpoint, and Derek hailed a cab to take them to Dashwood Manor, the bed and breakfast where they had reservations. The place was a recommendation of Miranda Bailey’s, and she had assured Derek that it was as romantic as they come.

Their hosts checked them in with a smile, and pointed out all the salient features of the inn. The Shepherds scheduled the latest possible breakfast time, realizing that they would want to sleep in, as they both were a bit sleep deprived. Then their hosts led them to the Somerset room.

Addison nearly squealed when she entered it.

The room itself was almost the same size as the trailer. On the top floor of the old mansion that had been converted into the B&B, the room had vaulted ceilings and a private balcony. Addison and Derek stepped out on the balcony, but the darkness of the night disguised the ocean view, allowing them to see only shadows.

Then, Addie checked out the bathroom and realized there was a Jacuzzi tub. She was thankful she had tucked a small portion of the bubble bath package into her luggage.

“You realize that you’re going to have a hard time convincing me to leave this place, right?” Addie questioned her husband with a grin.

Derek crossed to her, and pulled her into his arms, hugging her tightly against him. “I’ll have to think of some incentive to lure you back to Seattle. . . . In the meantime, hand it over.”

“Hand what over?” Addie was confused.

“Your pager. . . . This is a pager-free weekend.”

“What if there’s some emergency and we’re needed?”

“We’re three hours away by boat. It’s unlikely anyone will need us that badly, and we have very competent back-ups keeping an eye on our patients. . . . There are two people who I have given the privileged information of how to reach us in case of a real, genuine, unavoidable emergency. Otherwise, this is a patient-free, pager-free weekend. So hand it over.”

Addie crossed to where she had dropped her purse on the bed, and removed the pager, handing it over to Derek.

“You do realize me giving you my pager is a little bit like letting the fox guard the henhouse?” she asked, making Derek laugh and nod. He couldn’t deny that he was equally, if not more, guilty of letting work interfere with life. But not this weekend, as he turned both of their pagers off and stored them in a pocket in the back of his suitcase.

As Derek secured the pagers, another question occurred to Addie: “By the way, who’s taking care of Doc?”

“Bailey . . . . She said something about them considering getting a dog themselves, so this is supposed to be like a dry run. . . . By the way, she also recommended this place.”

Addison nodded and smiled. She had known that Bailey was one of Derek’s numerous accomplices in the day’s events. She cast a glance at her husband, “Why don’t you use the bathroom first, get ready for bed, and then let me have it? That’ll give me a chance to unpack.”

As Derek took her up on her offer, Addie turned to her luggage, only slightly apprehensive.

There was always a danger in letting a man – even her man – do the packing, and she was a little nervous about her clothing options for the weekend. But, as she unpacked, she discovered that Derek had done pretty well, including an array of everything from jeans to a classic little black dress, one that she had yet to wear. She had an array of underwear and sleep wear as well. And, unlike the first time he had tried to surprise her with a weekend away, he had even packed shoes.

What Derek didn’t know yet was that she had a surprise of her own that she had tucked into the suitcase when he wasn’t looking.

When Derek exited the bathroom in his T-shirt and boxers, Addie took her toiletries and other necessities inside. It was too late for a bubble bath tonight, though she fully planned to indulge later in the weekend.

Meanwhile, she had other activities in mind for before they fell asleep. Just about 10 minutes later, she emerged from the bathroom.

She was gratified to see her husband’s reaction.

“Wow.” Derek was almost but not quite speechless, and she twirled slowly to give him a full 360-degree view of the sheer green negligee she had thankfully bought via mail order.

When she had purchased the sexy number, she had done so just because she thought it would be flattering and cheer her up by making her feel good about herself. But after a day like today, she didn’t need it for that reason.

It was, however, an excellent thank you present for her husband, if she did say so herself.

“I definitely don’t remember packing that,” Derek said, when he finally found his tongue again. “Maybe you should come closer, so I can examine it more thoroughly.”

Addie raised an eyebrow.

“Do you want to play doctor, Doctor?” she queried, grinning wickedly as she approached the bed where Derek lay reclining.

“I would love to play doctor, Doctor. . . . I understand you’re quite skilled.”